Hi Lyzbeth, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is so especially sad and emotionally painful during the Christmas holidays. You are not diminishing anyone's hopes, just expressing your feelings, and that's okay, why we are all here to listen, comfort and understand each other. I hope your widows' support group you go to will help you and find some heartfelt friends to cling to and share your emotions. It takes courage to go to these meetings because you are revealing your innermost private feelings of grief, and especially hard, even after your 3 years without your husband, to see and hear the new widows that come in, so excruciatingly heartbreaking because they are just starting that journey of grief. It's been 16 months now since my husband, John, died, second Christmas, but the first Christmas after August I was too out of it to think about Christmas, but this Christmas I decided to go positive and loving, and remember all the good memories we had in our 30 year marriage. It's better to remember and laugh, than cry, and at night I am with John and listen to our music on the radio and sing to him. So I found the best way to deal with this grief is to just try and be happy and remember all the wonderful love we shared. I recently found a book in the library by author, James Van Praagh, entitled, "How to Heal A Grieving Heart." It is so nice, just some nice little poetic messages of spiritual hope and all with pretty pictures of butterflies and flowers. It makes me feel comforted. Wish you happiness and joy from my heart to yours.
Hugs, Nanette

Hi Lyzbeth, This is my third holiday too. I find the grief comes in waves. Sometimes life is going ok and I feel I have progressed and am doing fine. Other times life brings me difficulties and I am once again awash with grief. I do feel that overall my moments of grief come less and do not last as long. But still at this moment I am wishing I could go back in time and just hold him. I am missing him a whole lot today.

There are times the pain of the past losses still feel overwhelming and the first was over 25 yrs. It still shocks me how powerful they can be. I usually find it's connected to a holiday or some memory's that were tickled. I now just admit I feel it and try to talk with my grief group about them or a friend. It's the only way I know to deal with them. I have been told I will always feel the loss at different times & ways. That I will just learn to cope with them better. I think for me that's been true. I pray for friends and support for you at this time of year.

This is my 3rd Christmas without Brian and I'm dealing with it OK. No decorations but I only did that for him and the kids. I can live without the mess. Hope everyone here does their best to have a good holiday. Do something different. Start a new tradition. My first year my son and I went to a Chinese restaurant, it was crazy there and made us forget for a little while.

This is also my third Christmas without my dear husband. No family coming to visit this year from out of town so have to make the best of it. I went to a few holiday parties and did okay. Just really difficult without family nearby. Girlfriends are supportive, but not the same as the love of your life. I do still attend a support group so always a plus to share and then to help a newcomer. Just trying to keep in gratitude my health is okay, have friends, a home. Soon the new year will be here..

Thanks to all of you for responding and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I also had many years with my husband and realistically I know that one can not ever get past all of those memories and emotions. I just really don't like the new "normal."

My Christmases got easier to deal with when I stopped trying to make them like they were when Cliff was alive. I had to have new traditions, and nowadays my holidays are very different from what they were when Cliff was still here. Cliff died in November 2007, so 2007 was my first holiday season without him. That makes this my 10th - wow! There are still moments when I can feel him near me, times when he shows up in my dreams, and lately odd signs again - like the unmistakeable smell of his cigarettes when no one in the house smokes. I thought I was going nutty, but my younger son came to me and he had the same experience. Weird and inexplicable.

Sometimes you have to take ownership of the "new normal" and wrestle with it and make it yours. It's hard to do that, and it doesn't happen overnight. But eventually you will find your new balance, your new rhythm, and you will be all right. Don't give up.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

I agree with martha, Make it your own, not the past of what was. It will be my second christmas without my husband. It doesn't always get easier, but it does become more bearable, and sometimes there are those moments of a smile, of remembering something special or funny he use to say or do. It does take time, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We must all go through these holidays, thinking woulda, coulda, shoulda, but the most important thing is, if your husbands/wives were here, they would all want happiness, and peace for us all. Merry christmas, happy holidays, and may the new year bring peace to all of us. Much love and hugs carla

This is also my third holiday without my companion. I realize the pain will always be there, however we must fine a way to celebrate our love ones life as we are to celebrate the birth of Christ. If we can go from grief and pain to celebration.of our life we can move out of this dark pit.

Its far too early for me to change everything i am used to..but i know in time i will be someone new as this is what happened to me after my first husband died..Never the same.So in love with a bright future and another baby on the way,he just got on with the union..Then that was it ,fell off the building he was building and hit his head on frozen wood its almost been 39 years. He was 20 years old. Met my second husband to be 2 years later and we married in 83.He helped me to heal.But you never truly do, you just get up and fill your brain with BS all day and then when alone..well there is the internet or TV or..etc..anything to not be alone.Cause All the memories come..with my first husband he felt like a dream...with 2 Children? I quit feeling pregnant ..and just wanted to die..Then while i was in bed refusing to get up because i wanted to die IT happened..shocked the shit right the heck out of me, I couldnt walk right..i was shaking like a leaf. Vibrating...and it Scared me...I was seriously petrified... like a serious hangover shaking like mad..i awoke my sister and she told me i was okay just go back to bed and i did and then I dreamt it. I was in Heaven with Jesus And there was so much Love in his eyes..The Whole World of Love was in his Eyes. Pure Love. He told me it wasn't my time yet and he wanted me to come back to Earth and start to live my life Again. There is a purpose..so I am trying to draw strength on that memory. I do wonder if I never had that experience if i would even be her now... (( Hugs))