Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have seen a few mentions lately in comments and posts about the advice people who have never lost a mate tend to try to give those of us who have.
I have to say, that although they "mean well" they infuriate me right now! I know that this whole grief process can bring a wide array of emotions, but I have told a few of these people off.
One woman, about ten days after Shane died, actually told me to "consider it a blessing in disguise." She is lucky she was not standing in front of me at that moment... and she has made sure to avoid me since.
Another told me, at about the four month mark, that "I needed to snap out of it. After all, she only needed two months to get over her DOG, and he meant everything to her." That was actually one of my sisters! I have not spoken to her since.
I finally told several people, when they were visiting, that I was sick of getting unsolicited advice from people who had never even come close to experiencing what I have been through. I stated that it must be nice to be an expert on everything and know exactly what you would do in my shoes. I know, in hindsight, that it sounds incredibly callous and awful, but I went so far as to tell them all that I would gladly trade places, and let them be the ones who lost their mates, but that Shane and I would be kind enough to keep our mouths shut and not tell them how they should grieve, or what they needed to do. I said that other than my kids and grandkids, there is nobody's life that I would not offer up as a trade to get Shane back. I meant it, and I still mean it.
I have to say, that although they "mean well" they infuriate me right now! I know that this whole grief process can bring a wide array of emotions, but I have told a few of these people off.
One woman, about ten days after Shane died, actually told me to "consider it a blessing in disguise." She is lucky she was not standing in front of me at that moment... and she has made sure to avoid me since.
Another told me, at about the four month mark, that "I needed to snap out of it. After all, she only needed two months to get over her DOG, and he meant everything to her." That was actually one of my sisters! I have not spoken to her since.
I finally told several people, when they were visiting, that I was sick of getting unsolicited advice from people who had never even come close to experiencing what I have been through. I stated that it must be nice to be an expert on everything and know exactly what you would do in my shoes. I know, in hindsight, that it sounds incredibly callous and awful, but I went so far as to tell them all that I would gladly trade places, and let them be the ones who lost their mates, but that Shane and I would be kind enough to keep our mouths shut and not tell them how they should grieve, or what they needed to do. I said that other than my kids and grandkids, there is nobody's life that I would not offer up as a trade to get Shane back. I meant it, and I still mean it.
NEVER would I compare the loss of a dog to the loss of their soul mate. Never would I tell them to consider it "a blessing in disguise". Shane was not ill... he was not better off leaving us.... we are certainly not better off with him gone... So where is the blessing??? disguised or otherwise.... I am NOT seeing it.
I have listened to the "everything happens for a reason" dribble... and the "God's plan" garbage.... but never in my life would I have imagined some of the things I have been told.
I would rather have people say nothing... just a nod (or nothing at all) is acknowledgement enough. Or like Michele mentioned, a simple "sorry for your loss".
I do not push myself or my grief on these people. I do not force them to endure my pain... if they can't handle it, they are welcome to stay away and act like life is blissful. They are not, however, welcome to say this kind of garbage to me. In reality, the ones that have said these things have had rather limited contact with me anyway... a phone call once ever few weeks or months. So I was not "burdening" them with my emotions. It is what it is, I suppose. but I will never be able to accept what they said as "ok" or normal.
There is no way we can show these people the depth of our loss. We can only hope that when it hapens to them (and it will some day) they realize how hurtful they were.
For me moving on is not an option. I just simply exist. For some reason I was left here alone to deal with this pain so I go though the motions sadly while others get to live.
I still like to travel, although it's not the same......NOTHING is the same. NOTHING looks the same, or tastes the same, or smells the same anymore.
So, when supposedly well-meaning folks make ignorant comments.....I give them the "stink-eye"......Hopefully, one day we'll get to meet - Other than this cyber-world - And, I'll show you what a "Roz Stink-Eye" looks like. It used to make Morey laugh and scare the bejeebers out of our kids [they're adults now and still does!]
There's not much we can do to stop the cluttered verbiage that comes out of some, but as long as we have the power to walk away....that act alone will say volumes.
Roz