Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have seen a few mentions lately in comments and posts about the advice people who have never lost a mate tend to try to give those of us who have.
I have to say, that although they "mean well" they infuriate me right now! I know that this whole grief process can bring a wide array of emotions, but I have told a few of these people off.
One woman, about ten days after Shane died, actually told me to "consider it a blessing in disguise." She is lucky she was not standing in front of me at that moment... and she has made sure to avoid me since.
Another told me, at about the four month mark, that "I needed to snap out of it. After all, she only needed two months to get over her DOG, and he meant everything to her." That was actually one of my sisters! I have not spoken to her since.
I finally told several people, when they were visiting, that I was sick of getting unsolicited advice from people who had never even come close to experiencing what I have been through. I stated that it must be nice to be an expert on everything and know exactly what you would do in my shoes. I know, in hindsight, that it sounds incredibly callous and awful, but I went so far as to tell them all that I would gladly trade places, and let them be the ones who lost their mates, but that Shane and I would be kind enough to keep our mouths shut and not tell them how they should grieve, or what they needed to do. I said that other than my kids and grandkids, there is nobody's life that I would not offer up as a trade to get Shane back. I meant it, and I still mean it.
I have to say, that although they "mean well" they infuriate me right now! I know that this whole grief process can bring a wide array of emotions, but I have told a few of these people off.
One woman, about ten days after Shane died, actually told me to "consider it a blessing in disguise." She is lucky she was not standing in front of me at that moment... and she has made sure to avoid me since.
Another told me, at about the four month mark, that "I needed to snap out of it. After all, she only needed two months to get over her DOG, and he meant everything to her." That was actually one of my sisters! I have not spoken to her since.
I finally told several people, when they were visiting, that I was sick of getting unsolicited advice from people who had never even come close to experiencing what I have been through. I stated that it must be nice to be an expert on everything and know exactly what you would do in my shoes. I know, in hindsight, that it sounds incredibly callous and awful, but I went so far as to tell them all that I would gladly trade places, and let them be the ones who lost their mates, but that Shane and I would be kind enough to keep our mouths shut and not tell them how they should grieve, or what they needed to do. I said that other than my kids and grandkids, there is nobody's life that I would not offer up as a trade to get Shane back. I meant it, and I still mean it.
We have to learn to filter the unnecessary comments from who don't understand . The pain and sadness over comes me all the time.
I think for u. We need to do what we feel is necessary regardless of what people think. We all deal with grieving differently... I realized although my aunt is a widow herself...she was already divorced when she became a widow...so our circumstances are different. Sleepless nights continue....
I have after awhile come to this conclusion: And have said so many times: why do we not have classes on loss of spouses, children etc.
No one including me before I lost my husband did not know how it truly feels or what you go through. I was one of those who probably said the wrong thing before. WHY? Because I had no idea.
I take a moment whenever I can to try to educate people on true feelings of loss of loved ones. I hope those who listened truly understand.
Hugs to you it is upsetting at this time
they do not understand the pain we are in and cannot comprehend that you cant just "be over it"
People have stopped saying these things to me after one particularly loud mouth manager on my team decided to start in on it again with the "well I dont know what it feels like to lose my spouse but.." at that point I cut him off and said "Just. Dont." its not come up again..
You are not callous or awful..You are telling them the truth in a way they probably needed to hear
I think that you have a very healthy way of expressing your responses to people. Really, that level of honesty is what needs to be said. Hopefully they will hear and think about it too. but, if nothing else, at least you got it out and that is better than shoving more pain down inside.
You have every right to be offended by the way they express their concerns. But remember that we once we're ignorant too. Sharon
But now that I lost Larry, I look back and say "Maybe I should of be more considerate or more understanding."
I explain to people now that until you lose the love of your life, you have no idea what it is like..... I didn't
take care
"it was God's plan" - I'm religious, and I personally think God's plan sucks. We were in the middle of buying a house and becoming empty nesters.
"you're too young" - I'm 40, tell me something I don't know
One person even compared my loss to their divorce.
People don't understand what it's like to be walking through life happily, and then be hit hard by the loss.
Maggie