So what on earth does a story about gang members have to do with the a bunch of grieving widows and widowers? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Who am I? What is this path I’ve taken? What is this need I have for relationship? Why did I stop my house remodel at Thanksgiving and spend all my free time dating women? I had the best marriage that could be, at least for the old Scottie. How lucky can a man be? So why bother to find another true love? If you think long enough on the why’s, sometimes you get lucky and figure it out. Not sure it fits, but an epiphany is a word that comes to mind.

   Since my wife died not quite 2 years ago, I have lost relationship with my 2 stepchildren, saddest of all, my 3 step-grandchildren, all but one of my wife’s relatives, all of my family back in Missouri, and all but one in our ministry. I have no children of my own. No friends outside of work and neighbors. Just me and my dog Blue. I’ve spent way more time on getting to know myself than any person should. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m okay with living alone, actually enjoying the freedom of it all. But why am I consumed with finding me someone to build a new life with?

   So as I thought about the gang rabbit trail, I recalled the reason for gangs in the first place. You would not believe the horrors of the life those kids come out of. They have the same human need as each of us to belong. A gang gives them identity, and a family. Perverted though it may be, it fills an inherent human need we all have. We all need to belong.

   So as I thought about this, I came to realize that my need to belong has been driving me to do a whole lot of crazy shit. You see, I’ve got absolutely no one. Nada. Not blaming anyone but myself. But a common thread I can see in my wonderful marriage was that I belonged to not only my wife, but also to her family. And her friends. Everybody loved my wife. She was just that kind of person. So it hasn’t just been of loss to me of the “us” I had as my identity for so many years. It also has been a loss of belonging. Belonging to someone, some family, some church, some anything. I have been stumbling around trying to fill a need I didn’t realize I had. Honestly, I’m better with a good woman. I’m out of control by myself. Always have been. I’m a wild ass fool. Just being real here. I joined a frat my Freshman year of college. I went from a town of 3,000, class of 89, school grades 7 to 12 in one building with a whopping 600 students, to a University that had 25,000 students. I went from a big fish in a little pond to a nobody in the blink of an eye. A frat gave me that sense of belonging that I am writing about. No different from the gangs of today.  Hell, I learned about stealing, drugs, lying, cheating, sex, breaking the law, gay-bashing, hate based only on a person’s skin color. I came to realize it was a den of thieves after I got out of it simply by nearly flunking out of college. But I joined simply to belong. I needed an identity. Good or bad, I got one.

   Simple really. I need someone in my life. I want to build another life with a special someone I love.  I want to belong to somebody. I want an identity outside of myself. It’s in my DNA. I so realize that I can never have again what I had. I know I cannot rebuild the life I had with Juanita because she is gone and she ain’t coming back. No, I’ve got to start all over from scratch. And who’s to say this go around won’t be better. For certain it will be different because it will involve another unique individual. Right now, I belong to my dog Blue and she belongs to me. Sorry Charlie, while nice, that just doesn’t cut it for me.

   And then out of the blue, 3 weeks and 1 day ago, I met a wonderful woman that lives 3 blocks from me. All preconceived fantasies of the one I thought I was looking for went flying out the window. She is just about the nicest woman I could ever meet. And she’s got a good heart. And despite seeing her nearly every single day, I haven’t driven her crazy yet (well, maybe a few times). And do I love her? Sure I do. And she knows it. When we touch, we feel each other in a way I’ve only experienced with Juanita. Freaks us both out. Will it last? Well, in one week it will be the longest non-friendship relationship I’ve had with a woman since my real wife died. It’s good today, and that’s good enough for me because I’ve abandoned my past behavior of future tripping all together. We are having great moments together.

   I never would have picked her out, but then, I honestly don’t think I would have ever picked Juanita out either. Societal norms screw us up. False expectations. We are brainwashed from the time we are born. Happiness with someone is all that really matters. Love itself is organic and it will just keep growing if nurtured by both persons involved in the relationship. So right now, I have a sense of belonging. I belong to my girlfriend, and she belongs to me. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. She knows to be careful, to guard her heart until she is certain, and she knows that I am a deeply wounded person. Somehow I lost all throttle control of love during my grief, but I so recognize the wisdom of it. Best advice I got from someone, here I think it was, that you need to date for at least 4 seasons to really get to know someone. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of the words, “take it slow”. I just seem to have a very poor ability to do that. Always been a full speed ahead kind of guy. I think a part of that now is that I just want to get on with whatever my new life will be while I still got some time to build it with another woman I love. Honestly, I just don’t do well alone. I’m dangerous to myself. But make me responsible for someone else I love, and I become rock steady. And that my fellow grieving friends is my main point. On top of everything else this death has caused me, I’ve come to realize that I have also suffered the loss of belonging. But then, I could always join a gym or run away to the circus. Naw, I’ll stay on this path for now. Never know what’s around the bend. I just want to live life to its fullest. And that I think is a good thing. ~~~ Scottie