Ok, so I made it past the sixth month mark! But the loneliness is overwhelming. I so miss the daily interaction, the banter, the calls, the peck on the cheek, just the idea that someone here loves me so unconditionally as I still do him! I can't share the daily news about what the kids are doing. I still have no energy to get anything done. He is not here to keep me company. No sense cooking, cleaning, yardwork, he was the reason I did those things. Trying to make our home more comfortable and now there doesn't seem to be a reason. And I am too exhausted anyway. I can't bounce ideas off him, or get his opinion on anything. The kids are doing well, the boys don't talk about him, and my daughter is so busy with life as it should be. I feel lonely in a crowded room. If I go somewhere or do something I can't come home and share my day with him, or listen to what he has been up to. I can't listen to music, I can't watch any of the shows he loved to watch, I can't even watch the same news chanel. This is just pathetic. My daughter is going to have a baby boy in February. This will be our first grandson. I am so tickled, but he won't be here to share the joy. He so loved and doted on these little grand daughters. He was robbed of this pleasure, I was robbed of sharing EVERYTHING with him. The pain is always there, sometimes I can push it under the surface, but often I can't. Is this what my future has in store for me. Living this life of eternal loneliness? There has to be more. How do I change what I have known for 40 years? What I depended on, who I was? I just don't get the reason behind this level of cruelty. How am I to believe that the future will get better when my beliefs have been shattered, crushed and spit back in my face as if mocking me. I want to shut my heart off. I know if I open it up to anything or anyone with joy will come the pain of not sharing with him. Have we all not suffered enough?? There has to be an answer somewhere out there. I just can't seem to find it. If time is the answer, then let me go to sleep and wake up when this agony is over. yes this will supposedly make me stronger, but I was strong enough. I don't want to be stronger. I know this is the price we pay for loving so, but really? As this crazy world continues to spin here we are, trying to just survive one more day. If not for all of you I never would have made it six months and I am truly thankful to all of you for that. No one else "gets it". nor do I think they even care. Sorry for the ranting, just needed to have a pitty party I guess. Hugs and Love to all, Michele
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