Michele I was exactly where you are in the first year. Time in itself does not heal it is more what you do with that time. Grief work is a huge part of that process. Yes crying, crying and more crying is part of it. The loss of hope, apathy and the extreme emotional pain were all part of my first year. Gradually and I do mean very gradually I started to go outside my comfort zone, was able to process what happened and ever so gradually start to build a new life. At almost 3 years I look back and am amazed such a broken spirit could actually build a life that involved joy and happiness. Vent here often. That is what I did and it helped tremendously. There are better days ahead. Wishing you only the best. Gerry

Sorry Michele. I don't have any words of wisdom as I am in the same place as you. You've argued both side of the case so eloquently. You've expressed all of my thoughts. I can't imagine waiting years for this to "pass". It hurts so bad right now. How do you get thru the next 360 or 720 days feeling like this hoping for some peace? I just don't know. I honestly don't think about the future right now as my future died in June. I guess we know the answer....day by day. It's really all that we can do right now. Strength to you my friend. We will make it...slowly but surely.
Love to you
Darcie

Hi Michelle,
All I know is that I just get up and put one foot in front of the other and do something that needs to be done, anything, have a shower, make the bed, clean out a cupboard. I am at 15 months and in many ways am finding it harder now as my emotions are no longer shut down in shock and I feel the reality of his death in a hundred different ways each and every day. Tears are often very close by. I work full time and find that helpful in that I have to go to work and while there I have to focus on other people and other things, however it is also often quite stressful and I am very tired at the end of each day. Like you, I miss
him so much I can hardly bear it and I don't know how I will be able to live the rest of my life like this. A lot of the time, I feel I am barely surviving and I find myself thinking if this is all life is, why bother,! but I only know that I have to go on, often at a snail's pace, particularly on the weekends when I hibernate and do very little. Lending you love and wishes for better days ahead.
Janifer

That should have been Sending you love.......not lending. Sorry.
Janifer

There are times when I feel exactly the same. It is difficult! at the same time I know that I am healing. That these feelings are not as extreme as they were in the spring. Widow brain fog has lifted a bit and I am thinking much more clearly. I think though that I will feel the loss for the rest of my days. I do try to find happiness in my day to day life because we were a happy couple and Larry would have hated that I wallow in self pity. I do think you are allowed to have a "pity party" we all are. A big hug-Patti

When I go back and read my journals from the first year after I lost Cliff, there are a lot of days where what I felt is what you have written. Crushed, angry, ripped in half, you-name-it -- oh and add envious and resentful, too, of anyone NOT going through the nightmare. It is hard. And often it will seem completely pointless. But it is not pointless.

Time does nothing, it is as Gerry said, it is what you do with the time. Right now, you are too angry to want to do anything with the time. I understand that. But it is important that you try a little each day. How do you want to greet your new grandson come February? Your daughter and that little guy are going to need you, your daughter perhaps even more than you realize. I was pregnant with my first son when we lost my father to cancer. Believe me, they are going to need you.

I used to talk to Cliff every night before bed. Yeah, it was a one-sided conversation, but sometimes I felt like I would just burst if I didn't tell him everything I was feeling and everything that was going on with me and our boys. Some people think what you miss most is the big stuff, but I found it was the everyday stuff that was so hard - like you said, the peck on the cheek, the chat about the day, the easy companionship. Missing those things, I am ashamed to say, made me envious of those who still had their mates, and resentful of those who still had their mates who weren't nice people. My husband Cliff was an extraordinary man - it seemed wrong that there were lots of folks out there whose absence would have improved the world while Cliff's absence just diminished it so much.

What a roller coaster! I still feel terrible that I had all those negative emotions, but they were unstoppable.

I will give you my two cents, for whatever they are worth: You need to feed your soul. That might mean something spiritual, or it might mean just going to some beautiful spot and just taking in all the wonder that is still here despite them being gone. I couldn't pray for a long time. I was so angry at God - enraged is more like it. And like you, I couldn't do the usual stuff like listen to music or watch tv if it was the music or shows we had shared. I had to either go way back to stuff I listened to as a kid or look for brand new stuff that would have no painful associations. Find a beautiful spot, or go to an art gallery or museum, whatever means beauty to you - you need to drink deep of that. The pain and the crying for months on end just wrings it all out of us, deep down. It helps to find a different way to recharge your batteries.

My guess is that come February you will be falling in love with a new little man in your life, and the world will look a bit different to you because of it. It's the time between now and then where you need to build up your strength as best you can. How you do that might be totally different from the things I tried, and that is perfectly fine. Our paths are the same and they are different at the same time. You will get through this though - and you will see that it will be worth it.

Are you much of a reader?? I - and others here - can recommend some good books if that would appeal to you. Let me know.

Hang in there, Michele - you can do this. Honest.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Hi Michele, The only solace is to know none of us are going this alone. I can so relate to all you are feeling. Shortly before Juani died, in tears she told me that she was ready to go be with Jesus but she so wanted to see her grandkids grow up - she was like Super Grandma. We had given up hope that either our son or daughter would have any kids, and in the blink of an eye, we had 3. She just loved them with all she had and spoiled them rotten. So one of the few reasons I have to keep going is to let her see these grandkids grow up through my eyes - hard to explain to anyone how important that is to me. It's just that I know how special those kids were to her, and that was the only reason she was able to endure what she did for as long as she did. Michele, honestly I could take your post and sign my name to it and all your words would apply to me. We will get through this, one day at a time, and hold onto the promise that someday it will be better for us. Hang in there my friend, with everything you've got. I know sometimes I've just got to dig way down deep inside of myself to find even a little strength to keep on keepin on - no other choice really if I want to impart to her grandkids not only her remembrance to them, but also the love and wisdom of their grandmother as they grow up. God bless you and comfort you in this your time of need ~ Scott

Michele I am so sorry for your pain . I understand your feelings of loneliness only too well. I want that closeness we shared. I want to feel his arms around me and share those little things that made up our daily lives together. I have a dear friend who has really helped me through allot by just being there to banter back and forth making me laugh and keeping me busy but while he is very special and he cannot replace that missing part of me nor would I want him too. I know I will always miss Al and what we had but I am slowly moving forward as I can share my memories without tears and find some little happinesses. I just keep doing what I have been told to do and take just one day at a time. I wish I had the magic potion to make the pain go away.I would bottle it and give it free to anyone who needed it. i send you hugs and love for whatever little good that may do.

Kathy

Michele

I know how you feel. This is so very hard. Just as you describe all the feelings I see them in my own grief. There are no words of wisdom. Martha always has great advice. I can't top that.

I try very hard to include Mike in my daily life. I journal to him, I talk to him, I cry to him ect. He's not here and that makes me hurt but on the other hand I have to include him. Its how I get through the day. Its impossible to change what we've known. You are strong. I know it doesn't seem that way but you are. Just as strong as you were before. Our lives are forever changed and you're right no one gets it unless they've been where we are. Remember he's with you.... just in a different way

I remember how I felt at the six month mark of being widowed 3 years ago. That was when I decided to stop drinking myself into a coma and check myself into detox. At that point I thought I had no future whatsoever and was doomed to die and follow her into the afterlife if I kept drinking.

That first Halloween two weeks after she died and Christmas a few month after she died were so hard. I feel your pain. It gets easier. Eight month after she died I was being courted by a new man who would open up a new chapter in my life and distract me from my pain long enough to have some really good times with him for 2 1/2 years.

Now that our relationship is over and I realize what a rebound it was, and how I broke up with him partially because I still wasn't over my wife and didn't appreciate him insisting i take the photos of her down in my apartment and pressuring me to move in with him and marry him even though I was so recently widowed and couldn't even think about that, I know it was just a transitional thing.

And who knows, something similar may happen to you. It's okay to feel all the feelings, have all the sadness. I had to drink and cry an awful lot and reject a man I could have married because I was still grieving. it's okay to do all of these feelings. You are suffering. I is good that you are here.

Michele, first, congratulations on your new baby boy arriving in February. Through you he will see this boy and through this boy you will see him!

To not be loved the way we were loved is the worst part of this journey for me too. I miss that kind of love, I know exactly how you're feeling.

I don't think my life will ever be the same again because, like you, I knew complete coupleness for over 40 years too!

I have no secret answer for how we go on.......because there is no secret. It's one day at a time; painfully, unsure of ourselves, unable to cope at times, floundering like fish out of water and looking always searching for peace. A peaceful moment when I don't cry and long for his touch, his smell, his presence in my life.

I'm here with my friend, I'm here!

Roz

WITH YOU!!!!!

Does it ever end...I am so ready to not feel like this anymore...I can't seem to shake the emptiness that I feel everyday...Just want one more day one more hour or one more minute with him...

My dearest, sweet Michelle, I am with you my dear... so hard...I didnt even get to say goodbye to sean, he died instantly, and I never knew what he wanted me to do about certain things...did he want me to sell the house, was he ok with me getting rid of or changing certain things. I only had barely 1 year in a half with my sweet sean. We were just beginning our lives.... building, and enjoying one another, when he left me and his newly adopted daughter and our little girl to fend for ourselves.. Nothing will ever be the same, all I know is this feeling of loss will always be there. I do know this being sad all the time, is wearing down my spirit/soul. How do we get out? It's definetely a struggle, all i know is without all of you, I'd still be so so sad, and lost, and feel all alone. Thank you michelle, for your honest and openness about how your feeling. Congrats on being a new grandma!! I hope youll have a easier time towards the rest off the week. Like a rollercoaster, some days are ok, and some are terribly horrific.. much love and blessings...carla

Michele, I am right there with you. Your words are mine. You're definitely not having a pity party. You're grieving. Six months is a hard time. Fall is a hard time of year for a lot of us. Thinking of the holidays with the center of our lives and our family's lives not being with us is almost unbearable.

The thought of a new grandson that your husband will not be here to enjoy with you has got to weigh you down at this time in your grief. But I believe you truly will see your husband in your grandson. That may be the time that your healing will begin. We can only hope.

There is nothing I can say or do to make it better except that I so completely understand. The messages here from those further down the road are all we have to give us hope. We will make it. It's just so damn hard.

Love,
Linda