Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
During the latter months of Wilf's life his breathing became difficult and he couldn't lie down to sleep so he was sleeping in the room next door with all the pillows arranged to support him during the night. The room, which friends think of as "Wilf's room", has been cleaned out and tidied but never used since but this weekend they are running a memorial competition for him in the village and I have a house full of visitors from the UK that will mean using the room.
I am sitting here knowing I have to go and make up the bed and I just cant seem to bring myself to do it. People think it is because I don't want anybody sleeping in the bed but it is not that - I don't want to HEAR anybody in the room. Does that make any sense?
The couople who will use it are our closest friends - we are god parents to both their children - I just don't want to think he is in there and needs me and I don't want to cause them any embarrassment by overreacting.
His lst anniversary is on Tuesday 7th so the timing is tough already but with so many (8) visitors I just want to do all I can to get through it without too much upset. Has anybody else felt like this? Any suggestions?
It is great to be able to write it down and get it out, and know that I wont be judged strange or over emotional. Thanks for your support.
Love Fay
I am sitting here knowing I have to go and make up the bed and I just cant seem to bring myself to do it. People think it is because I don't want anybody sleeping in the bed but it is not that - I don't want to HEAR anybody in the room. Does that make any sense?
The couople who will use it are our closest friends - we are god parents to both their children - I just don't want to think he is in there and needs me and I don't want to cause them any embarrassment by overreacting.
His lst anniversary is on Tuesday 7th so the timing is tough already but with so many (8) visitors I just want to do all I can to get through it without too much upset. Has anybody else felt like this? Any suggestions?
It is great to be able to write it down and get it out, and know that I wont be judged strange or over emotional. Thanks for your support.
Love Fay
What about you giving your friends your room instead, and you sleep in 'Wilf's room'? Do you think that would work? Then you would know it was not him.
If that would be too unnerving, then perhaps rearrange the furniture and change out some of the decor in the room. I had to do that to me and Cliff's bedroom - OUR room - to turn it into MY room, before I was able to get any decent sleep in there. I changed out the linens, the art work, the lamps. That changed the color of the room, the feel of the room, and I no longer had the subconscious feeling of waiting for him to come back in it.
I think that subconsciously, after such a long period of time, we expect to sort of "see them in the landscape" - and them not being there is kind of jarring to us. Making those changes to our room really helped me.
My sister bought me a "body pillow" - it's a long, bolster style pillow. I put that in the bed, and it felt sort of like having Cliff there. Something like that might make you less worried about who was in the next room if it felt like he was with you. Don't know.
My situation is a bit different from yours in that Cliff died in our bed, in my arms. But I think I can understand where you are coming from, and I hope these suggestions help.
I think it is wonderful that you have such good supportive friends. Perhaps if you just bear in mind that Wilf would have wanted to make them as comfy as possible, then that might ease some of your anxiety about it.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I have taken myself in hand and have now stripped down the room and remade it fresh for my visitors. I know they will understand if I am upset at all - I have discussed using the room with them to make sure that THEY didnt have a problem. Hopefully I will be too busy over the weekend and then the moment will have passed.
Another first accomplished.
Fay
I know when I feel sad now, I just let it wash over me and I "go with it!" If it leads me to deeper sadness, so be it for that moment in time. If I'm out in public or with family......I just let it go and I stop trying to explain it! It's just so much easier for me when I stop building all those dang bridges!
Roz