My husband used to always tell me he was worth more dead to me then alive. I always hated when he said this but when you looked at the numbers it was true. He retired early a couple of years ago and started collecting a very nice pension.  We really never got to enjoy his money togather much as six months after he retired he broke his foot and was never able to walk right again. A year later a bad fall would send him to the hospital where he had internal bleeding which led to organ failure. Within a month I would lose him.

I was able to sell the house and make a profit and with his pension and the boys social security we are very comfortable. I was able to buy a house and move and currently I am on the tail end of making renovactions. My biggest problem is my guilt over the money. I hate spending it on myself. I have decided to take off at least 6 months before I start looking for work to settle the kids in. I have always worked for this is a big thing for me. If the boys need or want something, I have no problem getting it for them. I have finiacally helped my other son get an apartment and even set aside a small emergency account for him. In my mind it is all the things his father would have done for him. I just can't seem to be able to spend anything on myself. My sister gave me a hard time the other day because I went to buy a coat and I was looking at the cheapest ones they had. She said I could afford something nice. I know how stupid this sounds as so many of you have faced and still face finiancial issues due to losing a loved one.  I have always been a careful shopper, trying to get a good deal but if there was something I wanted I got it. Brad never gave me a hard time about money, he was the spender now me. I find myself in place where I can afford things. For once I can go into a market and just buy what I want and not really look at the prices. That feels good when so many times during our marriage we struggled. I always took care of the bills, and if I had to steal from Peter to pay Paul I did. I really never told my husband when things were bad because he never understood why. He wasn't realistic when it came to money. I would be the one worrying about how we would make the mortgage payment but we always did.

I know he would want me to be happy and enjoy myself. I guess I would rather have him here then the security of the money. My husband worked 37 years for the same company and made sound investments and for that I am proud. When he died I didn't have to worry about paying for the funeral or other things finanical. I have heard so many horror stories about people who didn't know how they would pay for the funerals and who lost their homes. I am still paying off his credit cards little by little. I am trying to be very careful with how I spend the money. Just so you know, I grew up poor, very poor. I grew up in the projects on welfare most of my life. I was the first one in my family to own their own home and not live on public assistant. When my husband died, I think many of my family thought I would return to that life style. I think this is why this is such an issue for me. The other day my mother told me I should never get married again as I would lose everything if we divorce. It really did have me thinking. I am not sure the laws in my state but everything I own including my house are due to my late husband and I would never want to lose that. So do I never get married again, or even date ?

Anyway, I just need to give myself a break I think. My husband was never able to take it with him nor did he get to enjoy it, I need to be able to do what he wasn't able to without all the guilt. I can't worry about dating or getting married when I am just trying to get through each day. Like I say when your left living the guilt never stops.