Tomorrow will be 4 mths since Norm left me...last week I kept having dreams that this was all a mistake...that he really was not gone...he came back...one night I dreamed he came back and moved the furniture back to the way it was when he was here, and I was thinking in my dream, did I really see him dead, am I mistaken?? did this really happen?? the next night I dreamed he came back and was counting hid pills to be sure he had enough to make it till the next Dr appt...I told him that I had taken a couple of them when he was gone, and I had an internal feeling of worry that he was not going to have enough to make it thru...I hate when I wake up and there is no presents in my home...it feels so empty...I feel so empty...Although seeing him in my dreams is nice, I actually got to the point last week that I took something to help me sleep so I wouldn't remember those dreams, because I didn't want to have to re-live that feeling that he is not there when I wake up...Since he has been gone I have kept busy (I had no choice but to go back to work immediately-as we were not "married" but together over 18 yrs, but it didn't count so I did not get to use sick time when he was in the hospital or when he came home under hospice care, nor did I even get bereavement time for the funeral, I exhausted my vacation time), after work I walk the dog, come home make dinner, do the dishes, have a bowl of ice cream, (mainly to keep my weight up-I have lost about 25 lbs, and still losing), then go to bed...on Friday night my best friend since elementary school comes over and we "check out" - have a few drinks and chat...Saturday I do yard work, like he would have done, cut the grass, and what ever else I can get the ambition to do, go grocery shopping, and watch a couple of movies (Saturday was always "movie night" for us) well-I cant say that I really watch them, i put them on...and sometimes i talk to my nephew in FL, his wife has cancer and he is where I was a few months ago, but he has hope that she will get better (we didn't have that hope), we have talked for up to 8 hrs before, I actually seen the sun come up...others have called me late at night on the weekends to talk as well...last weekend it was my B-I-L, he wanted to apologize for not being part of my life for a long time (he and Norm didn't always get along real well)...and Sundays...well they are usually a bad day for me...although the last few Sundays (who lost his wife 4 yrs ago to cancer) has been stopping by, last Sunday came over and took me for a ride on his motorcycle...he "gets it", and understands where I am at...it has helped get me thru the day...I know I am rambling now....I guess that my point was that I was once told that your emotions only will allow you to ingest a small amount of the situation at a time, I think I have put off accepting that this is real...I have this feeling of anticipation that if I make it thru another week, another point in time that everything will go back to "normal", I will get my life back...common sense tells me otherwise, but there is still that subconscience feeling of anticipation...perhaps these dreams are just a little more of the reality of the situation creeping in....or maybe some of the shock wearing off...I have days where I think I am good, and I have not been crying as much (part of that may be the medication), and I seem to think I have my head together, but then when I look back at the last days, weeks, months, I realize that I am still very much on auto pilot...I am not sure what will happen when the season changes and the days get shorter, I don't have the grass to cut, or have to change how I fill my time...perhaps then I will work up the courage to begin going thru his stuff...I still have not touched anything...the clothes he wore to his last Dr appt are still laid out....I think I am subconsciencely avoiding dealing with it all, because that means it is really for real....I am not sure if I am giving myself time to accept it or if I am setting myself up for a total melt down....I guess time will tell.....