Widows & Widowers Support Group

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The dreams...I think reality may be setting in...

aratliff
aratliff
Tomorrow will be 4 mths since Norm left me...last week I kept having dreams that this was all a mistake...that he really was not gone...he came back...one night I dreamed he came back and moved the furniture back to the way it was when he was here, and I was thinking in my dream, did I really see him dead, am I mistaken?? did this really happen?? the next night I dreamed he came back and was counting hid pills to be sure he had enough to make it till the next Dr appt...I told him that I had taken a couple of them when he was gone, and I had an internal feeling of worry that he was not going to have enough to make it thru...I hate when I wake up and there is no presents in my home...it feels so empty...I feel so empty...Although seeing him in my dreams is nice, I actually got to the point last week that I took something to help me sleep so I wouldn't remember those dreams, because I didn't want to have to re-live that feeling that he is not there when I wake up...Since he has been gone I have kept busy (I had no choice but to go back to work immediately-as we were not "married" but together over 18 yrs, but it didn't count so I did not get to use sick time when he was in the hospital or when he came home under hospice care, nor did I even get bereavement time for the funeral, I exhausted my vacation time), after work I walk the dog, come home make dinner, do the dishes, have a bowl of ice cream, (mainly to keep my weight up-I have lost about 25 lbs, and still losing), then go to bed...on Friday night my best friend since elementary school comes over and we "check out" - have a few drinks and chat...Saturday I do yard work, like he would have done, cut the grass, and what ever else I can get the ambition to do, go grocery shopping, and watch a couple of movies (Saturday was always "movie night" for us) well-I cant say that I really watch them, i put them on...and sometimes i talk to my nephew in FL, his wife has cancer and he is where I was a few months ago, but he has hope that she will get better (we didn't have that hope), we have talked for up to 8 hrs before, I actually seen the sun come up...others have called me late at night on the weekends to talk as well...last weekend it was my B-I-L, he wanted to apologize for not being part of my life for a long time (he and Norm didn't always get along real well)...and Sundays...well they are usually a bad day for me...although the last few Sundays (who lost his wife 4 yrs ago to cancer) has been stopping by, last Sunday came over and took me for a ride on his motorcycle...he "gets it", and understands where I am at...it has helped get me thru the day...I know I am rambling now....I guess that my point was that I was once told that your emotions only will allow you to ingest a small amount of the situation at a time, I think I have put off accepting that this is real...I have this feeling of anticipation that if I make it thru another week, another point in time that everything will go back to "normal", I will get my life back...common sense tells me otherwise, but there is still that subconscience feeling of anticipation...perhaps these dreams are just a little more of the reality of the situation creeping in....or maybe some of the shock wearing off...I have days where I think I am good, and I have not been crying as much (part of that may be the medication), and I seem to think I have my head together, but then when I look back at the last days, weeks, months, I realize that I am still very much on auto pilot...I am not sure what will happen when the season changes and the days get shorter, I don't have the grass to cut, or have to change how I fill my time...perhaps then I will work up the courage to begin going thru his stuff...I still have not touched anything...the clothes he wore to his last Dr appt are still laid out....I think I am subconsciencely avoiding dealing with it all, because that means it is really for real....I am not sure if I am giving myself time to accept it or if I am setting myself up for a total melt down....I guess time will tell.....
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
I also had a lot of dreams like that. It does take months for the shock to wear off and our subconcious/ unconconscious / emotional side does take a while to sort of catch up with reality.

Give yourself time.
jewells1
jewells1
Those types of dreams, the ones where all this never happened are hard to deal with. Your right, you wake look around for signs that the dream was real, only to find quiet in the house. My house is too quiet today.
Gentle hugs.
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
Yesterday the Stone was set. I haven't had dreams lately. Last night, I had dreams, of him aggravating me, and laughing while he was doing it. Just like the old days. Real OLD days. When we were first married. It wasn't a nightmare.

I think he has finally found peace, it was like he was happy. And it happened with his Stone (and mine) being placed. After I emptied out his room and redid it. All within a few days. I found peace with it also.
mel40
mel40
yesterday was 4 months for me. I appreciate all that you have shared. Thank you. I find myself on autopilot at times, but I also have a fight in me to live intentionally. Recently, I broke my ankle. I had thrown out all those old medications several months ago. Taking care of my broken ankle and keeping up with Tylenol has brought back memories of taking care of Mike while he was sick. I also redid my room and it gave me great peace. (Now I can't clean it, but I think that would bother me if I hadn't redone it). Emotions still control me, loneliness, missing him, my relationship to God. But not like they did one month ago, or even 3 months ago. Again, thank you for sharing! Peace to you!
aratliff
aratliff
The day he passed, after he was removed from our home, I had his sons help me disassemble the hospital bed (I couldn't stand looking at it) then after they left I was in such a daze - I hadn't slept in weeks we were all so emotionally, mentally and physically drained...I knew I had to get rid of the disease...I couldn't tell you where I put all the stuff, basically anywhere I could...not sure why but I couldn't throw it out...since then I have found things meds, and other stuff that he needed in the strangest places- cupboards, drawers, closets...things that I "put away"... I still have an entire shelf in the fridge full of "his" ensure, and have about 20 bags of the throat lozenges he liked...in my head those are still his, and cant be moved...its like i am living a double life, the one everyone sees, where they think I am doing all right (they see it in my face that I have been thru a lot, the weight loss and I look like I have aged 20+ yrs, but seem to be able to hold a little bit of a conversation now)...then there is this lost soul who is trying to preserve what once was in some of the strangest ways, i keep it hidden so no one really knows about it....good thing my dog cant talk....
rochelle1466
rochelle1466
it seemed over a year before I finally threw away a box of oatmeal that my husband bought, it was unopened, i do not eat it nor does my daughter. it took a long time to throw out the Boost in the frig...I probably still have things to get rid of 20+ months later, I just have not rushed nor have most days have i found the energy...the mental or physical energy to look at some things and throw them out. I have not redone my bedroom aside from comforters and all new sheets....its all so confusing. I am thankful I no longer have those jolting dreams. peace to you
deleted_user
deleted_user
It has been almost 10 months for me and I have still not emptied out his drawers or closet. Still have his trucks on shelves in my living room. I keep thinking about packing some of the items up but then like someone said the energy to do that would take more than I could handle. From everything I have seen so far, it is all a due process and you will know when you are ready. God Bless Susan
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Keep those thing for as long as you need to. The first year is so very hard. Every day was a challenge for me. My husband was diagnoised with cancer, terminal, hopeless of survival or treatment because of the areas it had spread. Ten weeks later he was gone. The hospital bed removed along with our plans and my life as I knew it. I kissed his picture every night and every morning and times inbetween. I needed to keep things, because I didn't have him. I am sorry for your pain. Sharon
deleted_user
deleted_user
I like to dream about my husband but when I wake up I usually cry hysterically because I know he is gone and I am trying to analizing what the dream meant
Scouserboots
Scouserboots
I am finding that recently I am having dreams where I wake up crying and dreams where I am shouting due to being so angry with losing my wife. The dreams when I cry, I seem to wake up, sit up, cry and eventually fall back to sleep. Having many restless nights of sleeping, so I am finding I have to take pills for anxiety more often now.
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
It seems that when you are doing better, not good, better. And actually are proud of yourself. These dreams pop in, to take you back to square one. To start all over again. I think its quilt, that you are doing better. Your subconscious says you feel guilty for doing better. Then I get mad at myself.
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Bless you, sweetie. Be gentle with yourself. There's no time limit to do things. Grief takes us round and round emotionally. Just do what you can do when you can do it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
4 months tomorrow. No dreams. I haven't gone through anything. The medical crap was removed immediately. I found a piece of the crappy hoyer lift wheels under the bed when I was vacuuming the other day. Excellent reason to never vacuum again. I did gather some jeans and chambray shirts to have quilts made for MIL, my mom and dad and one for our son. It was horrible. When I dropped off the clothing the little old lady that is making the quilts asked me if I was having one made for me and through the tears I told her I would do that later, perhaps with the wedding ring pattern in a larger size than the small lap quilts that she is making now. Ok, so now I'm crying AGAIN. I dread the changing of the seasons. I'm in north TX and it's been brutally hot and humid for the last 2 weeks. This morning it was a pleasant 67 and dry air and my heart broke. Just another reminder that everything goes on...with or without us. I was in a small grocery store yesterday, the closest one to my house, and had to do a double take because I saw the cadbury bunny on a display...looking twice I saw it was for Halloween candy...just around the corner they were setting up the bagged candy display for the season. Halloween was OUR holiday!!!Robert allowed, encouraged and enjoyed getting dressed up and having me do his makeup. I have reservations for New Orleans for Halloween. I made them when he got sick, thinking we would go during the damned 12 months we were given, but he didn't get the 12 months, hell he didn't get three months, and so have these rooms waiting for me to cancel them. I haven't done it yet. I know I can't go without him. We never got to have Halloween there. We went often but never for that and so would feel guilty to go alone, or even with a friend.

Also, I have not turned off his phone. Can't do it.

Peace
dl1959
dl1959
TXArtist,

I too am in Texas (panhandle), I dread the hard winter I think it will be more depressing.
I finally canceled Roby's cell last week, I cried so hard. I knew it would be a hard thing to do but couldn't believe how hard it hit me.
I still haven't gone through all his clothes and have only given a few things away. I need to have a garage sale but having a hard time getting motivated plus the heat has been so bad.

But things will get better, I'm at 6 months and alot of things are better.
jewells1
jewells1
I hear you on Halloween. My creative self would make elaborate costumes, and John was always gungho for it. For many years I did variations of Emmet Kelly clown, even making clown pants. I dressed at 7 in the morn, and stayed dressed all day.

Last year was my first with out him, I dressed, finding comfort in my masquerade, all day. No need to speak, just fit in with everyone else avoiding who they are. John was gone about 6 months at the time.

You still have time, you may feel different about the reprieve from being a widow that day.
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