Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
It's been almost 2 years. Yesterday, I took my 19 1/2 yr old cat to the vet. She was not optimistic. I thought I would be ok because the cat is so old. But the vet said its either "congestive heart failure or cancer." My mind snapped to when I heard cancer. I've dealt with too much cancer in my life. I've been the care giver too many times. It's like layers and layers of depressing memories. It's always the same. Cancer is cruel.
Last night, I drank a full bottle of wine. Went to bed at a decent time and then dreamt the whole night of the things cancer has robbed from me. My Dad, pets, my husband, my father in law, grand parents. I dreamt of how intimacy and security turned into me doing things for my loved ones that I never imagined. Me trying to maintain their dignity as cancer took it away. This morning, my first thought as I awoke was "the last time I laid in bed with Mike was March 24, 2013."
I recognize it as a form of PTSD. Feeling the same way I did as I took care of my dog, my Dad and my husband as they were ravaged by cancer. Numb. Hurting.
I can't turn back the clock. I can't go back and say "hey, I don't want to do this, somebody else do it instead." So, I sit this Saturday morning, playing the reels of horrible memories of the horrible disease and wishing I could feel something else. Anything else. I just don't want to feel numb. Stupid cancer.
Last night, I drank a full bottle of wine. Went to bed at a decent time and then dreamt the whole night of the things cancer has robbed from me. My Dad, pets, my husband, my father in law, grand parents. I dreamt of how intimacy and security turned into me doing things for my loved ones that I never imagined. Me trying to maintain their dignity as cancer took it away. This morning, my first thought as I awoke was "the last time I laid in bed with Mike was March 24, 2013."
I recognize it as a form of PTSD. Feeling the same way I did as I took care of my dog, my Dad and my husband as they were ravaged by cancer. Numb. Hurting.
I can't turn back the clock. I can't go back and say "hey, I don't want to do this, somebody else do it instead." So, I sit this Saturday morning, playing the reels of horrible memories of the horrible disease and wishing I could feel something else. Anything else. I just don't want to feel numb. Stupid cancer.
Valerie
On the pet topic, I had to put one of beloved dogs down two days ago. I'm extremely sad and it has re-opened the grief wounds I thought I was making progress on. :(
Lots of tears and lots of drinking to get through it. Not the wisest of choices to drink, but hey, sometimes a little self medicating is in order. Don't beat yourself up over that one. Just try to maintain moderation . . . easier said than done on my side these days.
Again, my sincerest condolences. You are not alone on this journey. Big hugs to all . . . Dayna
Hugs To you Vickie
Do not have pets just a herd of deer...but here's a comforting thought:)
~The best answer to folks grieving over deceased pets remains C.S. Lewis answer to a woman asking about her dog: If your eternal happiness depends on your dog being in Heaven, God will ensure that your dog will be there.