I am sorry for your loss. I am not taking any meds but I do know that if you do not take time to grieve now it is very likely to haunt you in the future. I would encourage you to wean yourself off the meds and to accept that it is alright to cry and to feel "down" because of your loss. It is a natural part of the recovery process.

Tom

Hi, so sorry for your loss.
I believe that Tom said it all, he is 100% correct!
I have not taken any meds since I lost my sweetheart and I just allow the grief to flow when it needs to. In the long run, this is the best thing to do for your mental and physical body. It's not pleasurable to go through, but you will anyway.
Peace & prayers to you...Mo

I think you should consult with your psychiatrist about transitioning to therapy and off the meds. The meds I think were an aid to help you get through the early days and help you start putting your normal routine - your new normal routine - together, and I doubt they were intended for long-term use unless you already had an underlying depression/anxiety problem before your loss. I think grief counseling would be worthwhile - it was for me and for my sons, and I recommend it to everyone. I do agree that basically you have to go through it - if you avoid it now it will come back to bite you in the ass later and derail your future efforts at happiness. But having supports in place like grief counseling, other coping mechanisms, and support here will help you through the process. Hope this helps. Love and hugs, Martha

I began taking an anti-depressant about one month after I lost my wife (this past February). I was so distraught I could not function. We were selling our house, but it did not actually sell until after she passed. In the course of three months I lost my wife, sold my house, had to pack up all of her things and move out without a new home to move into yet, and I really had no time to grieve in a nomal fashion. I had used almost all of my "leave" from work and I couldn't risk losing my job as well, so I had to get back to work, but I could not concentrate enough to do my job. The medication helped me to cope at work, and in general. Like you, however, the meds worked so well that I could no longer feel sad. I spoke to my doctor and we reduced the dosage to a point that I now take two pills a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. If I miss one of those dosages, I can begin to feel the effects of the sadness (and considerable depression) creeping in after about one hour. This allows me a means of "controlling" my sadness to some degree. I will often want to grieve when I get home from work and all I have to do is delay taking the evening pill and I'll prepare a quiet space for myself and the memories and grief will soon take over. When I feel I need to stop, I'll take the other pill and I'll soon be okay again. This works for me, doesn't mean it will work for you, you need to speak with your doctor.
Please remeber one thing, everyone's situation is different. There is no shame in taking medication. Your metabolism, neurological system, environment, etc. are all variables that make your situation unique. I would disagree with the others in saying that avoiding medication is best. There are all all types of neurological and emotional problems that are treatable with medicines; some of them, if left untreated, can lead to undesirable, and even tragic, results. Certainly anyone who seriously entertains suicidal thoughts should run to their doctor immediately in the hopes that medication will help. Keep in mind that there is a lot about emotional and neurological problems that remain unexplained, but these problems are no less severe than the physical ones that are more easily explained. None of us here are qualified to tell you whether the medication is appropriate for your situation or not (even if someone here is a doctor because they do not know the specifics of your history). I believe you really need to discuss your situation in detail with your own doctor; don't make the decision yourself, you need an objective, experienced opinion to help you decide.
I want to make sure I emphasize that taking medication or not is no measure of how much you loved your spouse. It is a product comprised of many factors that make each individual circumstance different. Some may not need any medication, some may need it for several months and others may need it for years. An ongoing open discussion between you and your doctor should help in determing if, and for how long, you should be taking any medicines. I'll close by stating that I do agree with the others that you should not try to avoid the grief altogether. It's been my experience so far, that you will only be delaying the inevitable if you do that. I have found the "timing" of my grief to be very beneficial, maybe it could work for you, talk to your doctor.
I hope this has helped you in some way, take care, Mark.

Hi there,

I know that feeling of wondering if it is 'really me' or the drug. Since I have been on Cymbalta, though, I feel totally like myself. I don't feel numb or anything like some of them can make you feel and trust me, I can still cry, just ask my friends LOL. Before my Nicholas passed, I had been on Prozac which wasn't helping me anymore. I love Cymbalta and suggest that you try it if you feel you need an anti-depressant. As for xanax, it really got me through alot in the beginning and I will always have some on me 'just in case' but don't take it regularly anymore unless I really have to and then, again, it is a very small dosage. I did use it at first to help me sleep at night, but felt, like you, that it made me groggy in the morning and feel that it affects my memory as well. There are alot of drugs out there and it takes alot of trial and error before you find one that feels the best for you. I view psych meds like any other meds that someone would take for diabetes or cholesterol or hypertension. If you need it and it gives you the boost you need, then take it, of course, in conjunction with consult with a psychiatrist. Good luck and let me know how you are doing. Best, Judy

I was taking an anti depressant long before my husbands death but the doctor gave me xanax and ambien right after. I felt myself growing quite dependent on the xanax to get through the day and told the doctor and we both decided I should not take it. I do feel like it had kept me from grieving as I should and for a few weeks after I stopped it I cried continuously from withdrawal I think. Somedays I would think I just couldn't cope without it but I did and I quit the ambien also and use melatonin to sleep when needed. I have tried to stop the antidepressant but that didn't work however it is my goal to stop this too one day! i think whatever anyone chooses to do is a personal thing and they should do what they and their doctors think best. I do think doctors are too quick to medicate and possibly you feel okay because of the xanax. I found that true with myself and eventually we still have to go through the grief as we can't take xanax for very long periods as it is very addictive.

With all due respect to members who told you not to take meds imho I think you should listen to your psychiatrist. If you want to and able to , if you question or in any way dissatisfied with what s/he tells you may want a 2nd opinion. No idea what your health insurance is can't tell how easy it is to get another opinion.
I read and heard in what I believe are reliable sources, you need to go through your grieving process. However there may be times when prescription drugs are necessary. Everyone is an individual and there is no one way to do things. I realize everyone here means well and they , like me, are trying to help.

Ok, I''ll give my advise also. Talk to your doctor. Everyone is unique and their grief is unique. You need to discuss you're concerns with a professional who you trust. We all love and care and want to help but aren't qualified except to give you our experiences. Hope you continue to feel better. Sharon

Everyone, thanks for your support and suggestions and comments. A few things to clarify:
1) I am under the care of a psychiatrist who I really like and respect and who really cares
2) I am also seeing a grief counselor (MSW) who I also really like and respect. She is the one who wanted me on meds to begin with and who suggested I get myself under the care of the psychiatrist.
3) I am taking both Xanax and Pristiq. The Pristiq I take every night. The Xanax is the same, however, for the last week and a half I have cut the dosage in half. It is a very small dose to begin with but I was finding myself too groggy in the morning. The Xanax really helped me alot in the beginning, it "zoned me out" and I slept through the night. However, that was never my normal sleep pattern to begin with. My normal sleep pattern was to fall asleep around 11pm and to wake up at about 3am and then to be up for about an hour or so, and then go back to bed. My sleep pattern is starting to go back to that, which is more normal for me. I am going to wean myself off the Xanax, because I KNOW it is addictive. I spoke to the doctor about the Pristiq's effect of inhibiting my grief, my ability to cry or exhibit the physical symptoms of sadness. He said all anti depressants tend to do that. I think come September he may want to wean me off the Pristiq too.

I work full time and it is a very responsible job. I HAVE to take the meds in order to be able to function. If I went off the meds now, I am afraid I would be unable to function well and would thus endanger my job. It is a fairly new job, I started it in April. I know that taking a new job right after losing a loved one is not a good idea, but I had no choice. I hated the job I was in and the new job represented a 50% increase in salary, which I NEEDED given my new situation in life. So, getting off meds just so I can grieve is all well and good, but if I am unable to work then it would be all not well and not good.

If you need the meds to function then it is understandable why you have been prescribed them. My primary point is that eventually you need to grieve and I used the word wean (not stop) to indicate that a gradual withdrawal is eventually important because if you delay your grief too long there can be long term effects that are very bad.

For anyone who is considering taking meds just because they are grieving when they are able to function well enought to do their job or take care of their responsibilities then I would suggest they try to avoid taking meds. ... just personal ... non professional advice. My wife was taking anti-depressants while she was fighting her brain cancer so I am aware of the effects and withdrawal issues. Tom

Hi rsusselj, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Robert 3 months ago. The first few weeks I did not sleep and figured sleep will come when it comes. I have not broke down and cry cried, but I have periods of sadness and teariness when I hear a certain song or see something that reminds me of Robert, the tears flow. I I had to see my PCP on an emergency basis beause I was having such bad palpataions that I could not get on top of them. She started me on Xanax and Ambien. Both only helped minimally. My blood pressure started to ho up and I had to go to my cardiologist. He added another B/P med and changed the Xanax to clonazipam and Ambien CR. Both worked better and slowly I started to feel better. It did not alter my grieving process and when I felt in a afew weeks that I no longer needed either, I was able to stop. I still feel very saddened and feel I am grieving appropriately, but thank goodness do not have the above symptoms that were getting in the way of daily living.

I'll come at this from a slightly different angle.

I started taking major medication the night my wife died unexpectedly. Just one of those weird co-incidences. I was zoned out for months. I couldn't figure what was what either.

You don't say when you lost your partner. The grieving process takes a long time, initially, meds or not you will experience shock and confusion. You may feel numb anyway.

My view is that except under exceptional circumstances, with medication you should experience things as they are, that is the medication should not dull your emotions.

My non medical advice is to reduce the Xanax to the plan set by your psychiatrist. Allow some time after that to allow that to stabilize.

Then if you still do not feel ok, discuss the anti-depressants with your psychiatrist. They will not want to "hold up" the grieving process, but neither will they want you to slip into a deeper depression (which might manifest it'self as being numb).

My husbnd died in January. I started taking the Xanax two days after I got up from Shiva (that would be 9 days after he was buried, 15 days after he fell.

I was at work and I was crying most of the day and having trouble working. I hated the job and I hated what had become of my life. The Xanax ONLY helped me with sleeping and it calmed my anxiety enough to enable me to work. It did not, however, help with the depression. I did not feel the depression for a while as there was so much I was dealing with.

He died on Jan 19. On Feb 5 my daughter, in Israel, gave birth to a baby boy. I went to Israel for 4 days to be there for the bris. I came back and began the interviewing process at my new place of employment. (SIX interviews!!) I got the job and gave notice at my old place of employment. I then made plans to go to Israel again, for two weeks -- to be there for the Jewish holiday of Pesach and get to spend more time with my daughter and new grandson, and with my other daughter and 2 year old granddaughter. My sister lives in Israel as well, so of course, I visited with her too. It was a very emotional visit but I was surrounded by loving and supportive family.

I came back from Israel. The first Sunday after that was the WORST. I will never forget the feeling. I woke up that morning, and began to go downstairs. I got halfway down the stairs and then just stood there. I was SO sad. I had no reason to be up, nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to talk to. I spent most of that day moping in the house, walking around, feeling sad and it was PAINFUL. I had started a new job and knew that this sadness was going to overwhelm me. I called my Rabbi and together we put together a plan to get me connected to both a psychiatrist and a grief counselor.

I think, if I had not done this, I might have become suicidal. That kind of sadness and pain was UNBEARABLE. I am STILL sad, and I do grieve. However, the physical manifestations of grief do not occur: crying, depression, etc. The meds prevent that. They do not prevent my emotions, just the physical manifestation of those emotions.

I am slowly getting off the Xanax, and am happy about it and not experiencing and withdrawal symptoms. For now, I am happy to stay on the antidepressant until my doctor feels I am ready to get off of them. And then, we will see how it goes.

I would like to add, to the list of what I was busy with before the real depression set in. Besides the going to Israel and Passover and the new job: my husband and i had been very active in our shul, and I still am. I was busy with designing and producing the annual dinner journal for the annual dinner which occured in early March. There were also several memorial events for my late husband that were organized by friends, and in which I of course participated. And then there was Shloshim, which is a marking of the 30th day after a persons death. My husband was a very well known and highly respected person in our community. There were about 500 people who attended his funeral -- and this was during the school break when many people were away!

I agree completly with Tom's advice to you. When my husband died, I thought I was having a heart attack. I could feel my body shaking inside like a rapid heart beat. The doctor prescribed two anti-anxiety drugs for me. One was a quick acting one to get me through 10 days until the long term one kicked in. I took one pill and felt zoned out like a druggie. I decided not to take any more of those pills, that for me, I wanted to grieve and feel the deep sadness that is part of losing a loved one. I wanted to cry and to be sad. It is a normal process and i wanted to go through all of it. I thought that if I didn't grieve when he died and for as long as it took me to get through it, I would do it eventually but I would have a drug to get off too. So, as hard as it is to cope with all of those sad feelings, I think it is the best way to go. Good luck to you as you decide what is best for you. Shirley