The big change in "routine" is that I stay up way too late (2, 3, or 4 A.M.), because nights are so lonely. But then I stay in bed much later than I used to as a "wife". Another thing I've stopped doing is putting on makeup daily, especially mascara and lipstick. I always did that each day when I still had my husband. I mentioned it to friends and neighbors, and they all said "Who wants to put on makeup everyday?" Even those still with a husband! But I make sure to get showered, dresssed, fix hair, etc.
About feeling challenged to "make good choices", be careful to think twice (at least) about any major choices...and ask family or friends to help, if you're not sure what to do. Loved ones keep reminding me that they want to help me as much as possible.
Hang in there...I'm sure that tomorrow will be a better day for you.
Nancy

Yes I find it more challenging....I too always fixed myself up for my husband. I still make sure I look decent when going out anywhere but there are many days when I am home all day and pass on the makeup.

Everything is harder because we have lost our sense of purpose when we lost our love. Little by little it creeps back in. I will say I feel better when I look better...I guess because that is something I can control. Right now having had no control over losing the love of my life I try to maintain control over what I can.

Its hard for sure and there are days I don't care at all..but fortunately that isn't everyday. We will all find our way in our own way and in our own time. ( I hope and pray!)

In the beginning, I had a hard time, remembering to eat at night. I just wasn't hungry. We had such routines when my husband was here. We always ate between 6 and 7. Now I find myself, at 8 and I didn't eat, and just grab something. I try to eat healthy, buy fresh fruit and vegetables and then it winds up in the garbage. I think I need new habits.

I heard something pretty strange about sleeping. They said to set your alarm for the time to go to bed. Setting a routine. I"m trying to be better about that, because I have to get up at 5am. Sleeping has gotten better. I read until my eyes want to close and then turn out the lights. Sometimes I have to take something to help, but lots better than early on.

Paula

I look terrbile. I shower everyday..but just throw my hair in a pony tail and maybe put on some coverup. I have a bit of acne, and this one, on my cheek...I can't stop picking...I'm a smoker, went from smoking about 6/7 a day to a full pack every 24 hrs, I have nicotine stains on my hand, and my fingernail tastes like cigs so I have pretty much gnawed it off :(
His sister told me I'm so pretty, and all I could say was, well who cares now??

It's a struggle. I was working out at the fitness center 4-5 days a week and dieting until Don got sick. I never left the house without makeup.

When he got sick, I gave up the working out and the dieting.

When he died I gave up the make up. Who cares??? I didn't get my hair cut or colored. Gained 25 pounds in 8 months. And I felt like I was 80 years old.

A couple of weeks a go my daughter insisted that we go do a make over day. Went to Clinque for make up. And to a new hair salon for oolor and new cut and style. I told her it was really SILLY, because I didn't care what I looked like anymore. But she's a little bossy. lol

Well, I must say. It did feel good. I did feel better. I hope soon to take the next step and work on eating some healthy food. I'm still struggling with that. I hope this will get better.

I hope people give you a lot of suggestions. I get the lack of motivation.

Hugs,
Vicki

`HEY, funny i should find this post on here two seconds after getting out of the4 shower. For some reason i have become something of a banner-boy for what can happen to someone's hygienic integrity when in the grips of supreme grief.

So yes, i just got out of the shower everyone. I HAD to take one, my housekeepers are coming tomorrow and i don't want them to find the shower area in the immaculate condition they left it in two weeks ago when they were here last.

You see, it gets better, in time you'll find a reason to wash again. hehe

It has been 02/06/12 since my entire world permanent changed when my beloved wife suddenly and unexpectedly passed on. With that in mind, I have not remained dedicated to my former routine whatsoever.

I now have become accustomed to eating less frequently and surely not eating any healthy home cooked meals, like my beloved wife faithfully and lovingly prepared. After about 2 months time arrived I finally noticed I had not shaved. I then did groom my beard after finally noticing it was out of control.

The shock and fog was so intense that I did not even look at myself in the mirror. I have always been neatly groomed, shirts and blue jeans starched and leather boots shined like a mirror. The grief process has crashed my ordinary routine beyond familiar.

There is nothing routine about my life these days. The shock and grief stole my composure in an unexpected way. It was difficult to use the shared shower that my beloved wife and I shared. I had to use it though. I had no other option if I wanted to bathe.

Socially speaking, grief has also altered my life. I speak with my family from time to time. Mostly though I do not know anything familiar of this life of late. I am sorry I do not have much positive ideas to lend your way. Motivation seems to be something of the past.

This entire grief process has produced issues that I never thought I would have to be dealing with. Unfortunately the commonalities that we who have lost our beloved spouse deal with include exactly what you mentioned and others too, including what I am experiencing. Against my will, I might add.

((HUGS))

Genuinely,
BEAR

I had stopped eating real food, just occ. fruit and yogurt - 800cal. a day. my body ate my muscle for fuel, and I was so malnourished that I gave myself CML. It didn`t help our son was killed earlier. Who can eat when you go to court?
The md said that I had a death wish, but I know everything that goes in my mouth now has nutritinal value, up to 1200cal. now.
See your md even if you don`t think anything is wrong, if you have any dormant illness (depression to cancer) now is the time they show up. The shock and stress on your body and brain is so great that people get sick after a loss like this. My mom was diagnosed w/breast cancer 2mo after my stepdad died, and my stepmom came down with a heart condition 3mo after my dad died.Please take good care of yourself, and try to do some relaxing meditation or yoga, just a thought. G-

I am convinced that good food can help you cope better. I'm not there yet - love cake, but I am really trying, like I did when Jerry was alive to eat right. I also need to get up and dressed everyday - it helps me mentally. Lately it's yoga cloths because I'm not working. I am trying to "create" the best possible me , which wards off depression. We are in this alone now , so we have to take care. I have a long way to go - I'm the fattest one in yoga class, including the guys!

I remember at about three months, taking a shower because I had to (working), looking down at my legs that hadnt been shaved in about 3 months, and wondering 'would I eve care to shave them again? Looking at my eybrows thaqt needed plucking, all the things that were an ABSOLUTE befor eGreg passed, and not wondering why I didn't give a crap, just wondering if I ever would?

Ir does come back little by little it does. I went at about I think 10 months or so and had a hair cut. I told her to give me something 'sassy", since I hadnt had it cut in about a year! lol But as I looked in the mirror at the womna who was getting her hair cut, I was PEROUD of her. Not for the haircut, but just for being there to get it!

I saw that I LIKE this woman. She has been through hell, but is still standing. she is ten pounds heavier even though she lost 15 after Greg passed she found 25 of them! But she is alive, and still standing.

From that day makeup everyday, whether I want to or not, and I do it because I did it for Greg, and should carry it on for me too.

We all at some point do look into the mirror, and see the person that is surviving and then we want to get up and help them to KEEP surviving and maybe thriving.

But in the beginning? It's just a struggle to GET UP at all! So if you are doing that? You are ahead of it all....for now. It will come back, and you will want it back.

HUGS Diane

I run my own business and work 6 days a week. I have to look decent. I have 5 kids to deal with as well. Is it hard? Darn right it is. I feel there is no time for myself in my daily routine.

Maggie

I don't have much motivation, and not too interested in life but.... I do put on makeup every day & take showers. I want to look nice when I look in the mirror or leave the house. My routine has changed, I go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Due to the dog I got just after my husband passed. Otherwise I think I would stay up late and wake up late. I've put on a few Lbs. unfortunately food is my only comfort now.
I don't know how to tell you how to get out of this rut. Just do it and start a new habit.

Since I was in the process of retireing when Charlie died, I don't have to go somewhere everyday. I do MAKE myself take a shower and wash my hair every other day (I can not believe I am saying this about myself).
I eat something (very little) 3 times a day. I am losing weight. That will not hurt me, I need to lose it. I just can not believe I have no appetite.
Food has always been my comfort and my joy. I ate when I was happy and I ate when I was sad . Even the whole month Charlie was in the ICU, I ate like crazy - now I could care less.
I'm trying to get a little better at keeping my house up.
Julie

My Mom lost my Dad a year and a half before I lost my Denny. I have to beg her to take a shower and brush her hair now and then and it is so so sad for me. I have forced myself to get out of bed almost every day, forced myself to shower and brush my hair and dress as though he was here to see me.

I believe that he is watching me from heaven and he would have no part of me not taking care of myself. I would be ashamed if I dishonored his life like that. He loved me for all the world and therefore I need to always take care of myself for him and his memory.

I heard that it is common for people to die of a broken heart so I made all kinds of doctor appointements and had everything checked. I also started eating right and going to the gym after the first year so my children and grand children will not also lose me. Before that I had high blood pressure and was over weight. I also ached all of the time...I think because I was eating all of the wrong foods.

It is not easy for a very very long time, and we do need time to just curl up and mourn early on...but we all owe it to those that loved us for all the world, we owe it to our loved ones, and mostly we owe it to ourselves to eventually pick ourselves up and force ourselves to put one foot in front of the other.

If you are interested, I have a healthy eating plan that is really really easy for me: For breakfast: I have multi-grain cheerios (or) eggs and asparagus, (or another veggie). I have a fruit for a snack later. For lunch and dinner I have either a lean cousine, or a bag of steam fresh veggies (yes the whole bag...cooked in the microwave) and a piece of lean meat or fish fried in olive oil with spices. I sometimes have a stir fry with rice, or a chef salad instead. I have a snack in the afternoon, which is either low cal fiber snack or nuts. All of these things take no time to cook and I lost 30 lbs. eating them.

I am now at three years two and a half months. I am facing another huge challenge right now and will survive this too.

Hang in there and first and foremost...be kind to yourself.
hugs...
-Diana

It is very challenging, even to eat healthy. So many times I just go drive through and you know what kind of food you get with that.
so after finding this group and how helpful it has been I have also joined an online food program to help me make better choices and not just opt out for fast food.