I recieved literally 100's of cards from friends family, co-workers, the ladies at the bank, the pharmacy technician, the checker at the Grocery STore.

While I admit that I did not read each one of them, I did look at who they were from.

I guess I looked at it differently, I saw it as a testament to how many lives my sweet wife had touched over the years, and how loved and admired she was.

I broke down in tears as we entered the church the day of her funeral and it was literally standing room only, the church was packed, well over 200 people attended the funeral itself, it took us 2 1/2 hrs to get through the line of people afterwards.

Yes, I was tired of hearing how sorry they were, and the other insensative things that people say (in thier defense they don't understand it is insensative), but again, I just kept thinking how loved and admired she was, how many lives she had touched in such a positive manner.

And Yes, the ladies from the bank, the pharmacy technicians from the drug store, and the checker from the grocery store were all there - they made arrangements to get time off work, to pay thier reespect.

I wouldn't read what people write - I would just acknowledge they sent the cards, and realize how loved he was, and how special he was.

I kept all the cards for my children, I want them to know and understand how much thier mom was loved.

I appreciated the effort and the time to express it. Sharon

As I have read through everyone's posts, a couple of things have struck me. The cards themselves are not the issue, I think it is the circumstance in which we receive them that causes so much distress. People are attempting to express things that are not easily expressed to people who are functioning on the very edge sanity. It would have been hurtful if no-one cared to express their sympathy. It was just that at the time, it seemed .... redundant, no, that's not the right word, and neither is inconsequential, but a teaspoon of water when you are in need of a monsoon.

The other thing is that I have a couple of beautifully written letters of sympathy from my father's peers, that I received when he died. They were sincere expressions of their love for the man and deep appreciation of their friendships. Most of the cards I received from my husband's peers were signed condolence cards. Perhaps as sincere, but not nearly as intimate. I think perhaps we have also lost the ability to express ourselves in letters and writing in the same way that our elders did. Which is very unfortunate, because the written word is not only a connection to the past but also to the future.

Anyone have the entire Bible memorized word for word?? Yeah, me neither. And yes, I have read it, and at the time had 4 different versions in the house. Cliff was a religious scholar among his many wonderful weirdnesses. Problem was that living in the Deep South, it was the custom for many who sent cards to include a reference to chapter and verse -- not the words, just the reference. Which meant that in order to try and figure out what coded message of sympathy and support was supposed to be was that I would have to get out my Bibles (plural) to see if (a) I could find the verse, (b) find a version of the verse that might possibly be relevant, and (c) try and understand why it was sent. 9 times out of 10 the verses were so misunderstood by the sender that I felt sorry for them. The 10th time it was just hugely annoying. I can honestly say that I did not receive one ounce of comfort from having to play code-breaker in the midst of my grief.

I finally found a verse reference to send back in the 'thank you' cards. I am sure most didn't understand the significance of it, either.

I did appreciate the cards, and noted who did and did not send any. My sons had mixed reactions to the cards. My younger son received cards signed by his classmates and teachers. He is autistic but was mainstreamed (he is high functioning). He was kind of angry reading them. He was a teenager, a senior in high school at the time, and even by the time people are in their teens they use all the platitudes and cliches in their messages. All the "God's plan" and "better place" messages were evident and extremely painful for him, together with the uber-damaging "be strong" messages. My sons have a hard enough time dealing with people and relationships and change, under those circumstances it was cataclysmic, so the cliches really hurt. "How could God hate us so much to take Dad and then I'm supposed 'be strong'?"

I just kept telling my sons that they were trying to comfort us and they didn't mean it like that, that people were just clueless and stupid sometimes.

I finally cleared the cards out last year, when I emptied my house in Florida to sell it. I read through them one more time to see again the support we received, and also to compare those early wishes with the succeeding years. That was interesting, too. I had a deep, good cry, and then I threw them out.

The plants were another story. I am not a plant person, and especially given the fact that in Florida plants are just havens for all the creepy crawly things you don't want in your house, I never kept any inside the house. Cliff dies, and suddenly we are gifted with a bunch of houseplants. I didn't have the time or the mental capacity to suddenly take on plant care - I had just become a single parent to two autistic guys, and had my hands full just surviving and keeping them thriving. I know it was supposed to be a nice gesture, but it would only have been nice if they had come with a gardener to care for them, too! A couple of them died, which just made me feel worse, so I gave the rest away.

I was glad for the compassion shown, and like Val, truly appreciated the reminiscences that were sent. Cliff had done some remarkable things in his life, and people did send me stories about those which I appreciated, despite them making feel even more deeply how empty the world seemed without him. I guess I was glad I wasn't the only one who recognized some of his value as a human being and what we had lost.

I agree that we seem to have lost our ability as a society to adequately respond to death and grief. Nothing prepares us for it - either for our own loved ones or to support those around us. I have tried to do some of that in my own small ways, and perhaps if we each of us do a little of that, then we can make a difference. Don't know, but anything is possible, right?

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I guess I feel the opposite of most of you......the cards were a great comfort to me....most had a written message about my Ben, a funny story they shared, or the love he had for me.

I waited a few weeks before I opened them and that may have helped....just last week I finally read the guest book from his memorial service.....they day was such a blur and there were people there that I had not seen, but happy they attended.

I also like the cards. I live in a small rural community, only 7000 people in the county, which is one of the largest county's in the country. Over 500 people came to the service. I hear all the neighbors and food brought over. I make into this community and am from a larger town a few hours away. Many of the people who offered support I didn't know at all. I never planned on leaving, but not being from here, a lot of people wondered. One of the first things my mom and sister said was this community is amazing, no wonder you don't want to leave it. That said, between the hundreds of people at the service, and everyone else, I got a ton of cards and still get a few a week. I found a lot of comfort in the card. Just the sheer number of them show how many lives he touched and how many people care about me. The cards with written notes also meant a lot, and very few had those hurtful cliche written in them. Someone said they started throwing them away upopened, I couldn't do that, but I have another reason. My mother in law and brother in law both thought it would be acceptable to say that anyone who wants to make a donation in Joe's name make it to a college fund for my two boys. I wasn't sure about it at first, I didn't want people to think I was begging for money, but they must not have thought that because tons of those cards had money in them. Some people preferred to show how much they care not in writing a special note, but in their gift. I don't want to say how much I received, but it's five digits and with 15 years to invest it, it will be more than enough to pay for college. That added a lot of value (and I'm not talking monetary value) to all the cards, though the number of thank you notes I've had to write was a little over whelming since I feel anyone who gave even a penny to my boys deserves one. I'll always treasure the cards and keep them in Joe's memory trunk I got.

I really appreciated the cards. I saved them all for when his girls visit this Summer. They can read them and see how many people loved their dad.

I will say that sometimes reading them triggered a whole lot of crying... but I was crying all the time anyway then.

Writing the thank you notes was difficult. It seemed like I could not string two sentences together. I have no memory of what I even wrote in them. I know I cried a lot during that too.

This means much more to me than the handful of cards I received... It was simple and meaningful.

No money required.

https://thegrievingwidower.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/facebook-chronology-documenting-my-wifes-passing-21915/

I found sympathy cards to be very comforting. Knowing that so many people were thinking of me and my family and my husband, and sending their love and wishes, gave me a sense of being hugged by many and supported. They lifted me up and made me feel like I wasn't alone. Some just signed their name to a card, others wrote about interactions with my husband, and how much respect and love they had and how they would miss him too. When my father died a few years ago, and I suddenly was on the receiving end of sympathy cards for the first time ever, I came to realize how valuable they are, at least for me and for my family, in surrounding a deeply hurt person with support at a time of great need. Some people don't know what to say, and yet they still feel and grieve, and sending a card helps them too. People try to empathize and while it is true that many have not had this terrible experience of losing ones life partner, and couldn't possibly know how awful it is, they certainly feel the loss of a person they cared about and want to help and reach out to the surviving spouse. A sympathy card is a symbol of that caring spirit that makes us human. Just being thought of is less lonely.
It's just a suggestion, but perhaps keeping the unopened cards in a box somewhere until such a time that you feel able to open them and read them. Or throw them out unopened a year from now.

I suppose the ones with personal things written have some meaning...

Not the generic crap that is printed on them.

I sent a brief note of thanks to each card sender....somehow writing back to them and sharing a little about DH in the process was a help in my grief process. They all meant well I'm sure.

I agree with George. Kimmy - I know where you're coming from. In the first months I was like, WTF - do you know what the heck you're talking about? It seemed like no one could say anything that sat well with me. Well - 6 1/2 years later, and a couple of dozen friends/family dead later, I realized I didn't know what to say either. I find it difficult to say the right thing, except for "fasten your seatbelts, this is gonna suck" (which I didn't say, I'm not that freakin' oblivious). In reality, there is no right thing to say. I say, take it in that people are thinking of you, and are taking the time to write, to send a card. And take it that peoples' hearts are in the right place for you, no matter what they write. Marsha

George and the Few Other Card Lovers:

I LOVE CARDS! My husband was in the hospital almost constantly for 5 months, and then for briefer periods. He rec'd. over 200 "thinking of you" cards during that time. I probably enjoyed them more than he did,
and I taped them on the wall in many hospital rooms. All these people were praying for us; thinking of us; loving us. How wonderful to know that many caring people.

When he died 6 1/2 yrs. ago - I rec'd. tons of cards - loved each one. They don't take away the pain or loss, but those people cared that he died; cared that my family was hurting; and proved it in tangible way. The only thing I dislike now about cards is that they are so expensive -- just like everything else in our world. I really don't understand why one would take offense at the kind thoughts of others. I will take all the cards I can get. Just received a beautiful "thank you" card today from a friend. She is in dire straights and I sent her a little $$. I would have been fine w/o the card - she thanked me by phone. But, I will treasure the beautiful card - she didn't waste her money sending it.
Happy Weekend Y'all -
Doye

The fact is, all the encouragement and notes sent with hugs, love,
Flowers, chocolate, chicken soup, and whatever else is sent through cyber space to each other on this forum.....These are a form of card sent, hopefully with all sincerity, love and caring,That the reason why most people send cards of condolences, because THEY CARE,

Sandra

I have been coming to this site daily for many many months and like the rest of you, find comfort and strength to carry on here. But I have never had the courage to post until now. I feel I have to comment on this issue. The cards I received when my husband passed meant the world to me. The verses were so comforting and meaningful and many cards had personal notes inside. I so appreciated that each card meant someone had taken the time to buy it and mail it or bring it to the funeral service. My husband was a contractor and had a long term relationship with a small local lumber store. Although only the owner and his son came to the funeral, they brought a card signed by each employee. They had each written a personal note with their memories of my husband. I cherish this card! I take it out and read it often, sometimes I laugh, more often I cry, but I always see my darling in the words.