Hello, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I lost my husband to cancer, however loosing someone to a life limiting illness is quite different to loosing them to say a car accident or a suicide. You have no closure, and you will never understand why, although I have closure, I too will never understand the death of my husband. I believe that when someone makes the decision to commit suicide it's not done out of malice or intent to punish those forever left to deal with the loss, at that moment in time, the focus is on them and their act. Yes your right that you will have to tell your children one day, but you will find a way to deliver this gently and with compassion whilst preserving the love your children have for their dad. I can imagine your anguish with wanting answers, I hope for you and your children that you will continue to find the strength to move forward x Jo x

I am sorry for your loss, and the pain you carry for your children. I lost my husband Cliff suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack, so my loss is different, but there are some similarities. I found out a couple of years after his death that the doctor wanted to treat him for COPD and high blood pressure over a year before his death. I didn't know about this at the time or he would have been treated and might still be alive today for me and for our sons. Instead I lost everything in moments, and have had to rebuild and refashion my life and that of my sons.

The "why?" questions are always there, regardless of how they died. Unfortunately, in suicides it's magnified and multiplied a thousand times. I know that I can tell you that it wasn't your fault, and that right now you won't believe that. It is true, and I hope you do get to a point where you understand that it wasn't about you or about the kids.

There is another group here at Daily Strength which would probably be a good addition to your groups. It's called "Family & Friends Affected by Suicide." Here is a link to that forum:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Affected-By-Suicide/support-group

It's okay to belong to and participate in more than one part of this site, so you don't have to give up this group to also belong to that one.

I am sorry you needed to be here, but glad you found us. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Dear, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife to kidney cancer. She passed away 3.5 months after her diagnosis. This time last year we were travelling and planning for future. Though she had some health issues, but she never had kidney problem. She ate healthy and exercised regularly. The doctor could not tell why. In reality, in most medical cases, we don't know why. In a greater scheme of life, we don't really know why. It is what it is. I am now living a completely altered life. Tomorrow I am going to place my wife's ashes in cemetery, just by myself. I am living in Hong Kong, and we have been here for only three years so we don't really know the place. But that is what I am dealing with....my wife's passing in a strange place without family and friends. And I don't have children, so I have one more reason than you to die and I did think about it when my wife just passed. But even during the darkest moments of life, there is light----your children, your family, your friends, and most importantly your husband. Take a deep breath. THINK about THEM. Think about what they want for you. Hugs all the way from Hong Kong, Tiger

My apology...I should have read your posting more carefully. My above reply may not be necessary. There should be delete or editing button for our own postings. Tiger

I am so sorry this happened to you darling. My husband died from cancer after a 16 month battle. I cannot even fathom how this is for you. The only advice I can give is to take one hour at a time. You must look after yourself, breathe deeply, try to eat when you can. Sleep is very important. See your doctor and ask for anything and everything available to help you survive this. Xx

Hello. So sorry for your loss. I understand part of the pain you are going through. My husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and after 3mts of diagnosis and treatment he died.
I have two teenage kids. I feel deep pain when they are grieving. I feel helpless and frustrate at times. So I understand part of your pain.
For us with children we have to dig deep within and find the motivation to move forward for their sake and ours. You have it with in you.
Come here often and you will find friends with similar pain and how they cope.
Use the site that Martha suggested. private message anyone who you think will add wisdom to the journey you are taking.
I would not have made it this far without the help of my DS friends, and I am confident you will make it will our help.
Hugs to you and your kids.

I am so sorry for your loss I can not even imagine loosing my loved one this way. I have only known of one person that took their own life and that was my husbands boss...he was my go to person for updates on my husband while we were going through different phases of his treatment ..I know when I heard the news I played the last conversation with him over and over...looking for an answer. My feelings on this is in no way comparable to the feelings his family had and I hope that you will take Martha's advice and check out the group "Family& Friends affected by Suicide" Here we are all bound by the loss of our loved one yet I find myself drawn to others that have more of a similar story as mine. The simple fact of knowing there is even one person that understands my pain completely has been of enormous help to me and that is my hope for you as you travel this very rough road of loss. Sending you the gentlest of hugs ...

Dear Melanie . .

I am so sorry that you lost your husband to suicide. I can't even imagine your pain and sorrow as it is so very different than losing a loved one to other circumstance. Losing, is losing . . but you have a different layer of angst and uncertainty on top of grief. I lost an Uncle to suicide and I know the family was extremely grieved. (I wasn't as close to him personally, so it didn't affect me deeply).

With this said, what I can share with you from my personal battle with having been suicidal at one point in my life is this:

The suicidal person is in such deep pain, words cannot begin to describe. It is as if some entity has taken over the brain and the tapes of the "need to die" relentlessly play over and over. There is no control and we also know that no one can relieve us of this insanity. (perhaps God or a Higher Power, eventually our own Will to live) I just remember that for me, I couldn't share with anyone except one who had "been there" on the edge. Thankfully I found that one. I also did a lot of praying, and I mean LOTS. I am not religious by nature, but I prayed to myself, to a higher power, to the Universe at large. I also remember that my son, nor any of my family were in my thoughts. I was so helpless and hopeless, void of emotion for my family and the aftermath I would leave. It was such a personal struggle. I mention this to you because in my belief and experience, it wasn't because of my beloved family that I went to the dark side. There were circumstances for sure in my head, but they all could have been solved and eventually they were solved. But at the time, I was just so overwhelmed with it all I couldn't see a way out, except by death.

I know it seems I'm rambling and maybe I am. It's so very difficult to explain and I hope that you will check out some of the other sites on DS re Suicide. The real point that I wanted to get across is that it is not because of lack of love on your husband's part, it didn't happen because of you and you could not have saved him. There will be many questions for sure. But please, do not take on the survivor guilt. He had a mental disease (albeit temporary) . . a dis-ease of the mind and should be seen as such. Hope this makes some sense.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Once you begin to heal and have a better understanding of the why's of it all, you will find the right words and the right time to share with your children when need be. Til then, please focus on taking care of you and your healing.

Hugs and much love, Dayna

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to suicide. I was 26 at the time. I don't know how old your children are but it doesn't matter the age. If they are young then you might want to ask a doctor or therapist for advice. I don't know the situation but I do know that suicide is different than any other death. Some say its a choice, Some say its selfish, some say its the easy way out. I went through all those emotions as a child that lost her father to suicide. After 16 years I still don't understand "why" and I never will, nor will you. Only your husband knows that. For my dad it was severe depression and for most thats the underlying issue. Something inside that person snaps and they see no other way out of the pain, It appears as though its a choice but its a sickness. They feel as though the world would be better off without them, they want the pain to stop and while the loved ones would do anything to help that person it is whats inside them. My son has attempted suicide two times since my dad died and has told me 'he thougtht his grandpa had the right idea" I of course said thats not true but again its whats inside them and the brain has tremendous power over us. Please know there is nothing you could have done and when you tell your kids make it clear that THEY did nothing wrong and couldn't have changed the outcome. Its important for a child to know that its a sickness not a choice. The person who commits suicide dies ONCE those of us left behind die 1000 deaths. Its hard just try to stay strong and know that your husband loved you and your kids. HUGS

All I can say is I'm so very very sorry!

God bless you! I'm so sorry for what you have endured. You are in my prayers!

It's so unfair to judge other peoples pain. What drove your husband to want to be dead? It's so complicated and goes so deep.

I wish you peace in getting through the days ahead and hope that your questions of "why" are answered in some way that will bring you and your children a better understanding of where your husband was at inside himself.

You may NEVER know the answer to the "why" of it all. It's so overwhelmingly sad.

Take care of you and your children and I hope that finding a peaceful place inside yourself comes to you soon!

Warmly,
Roz

Dear Melot, I'm so sorry for you and your kids. A preacher once told my family that there aren't any satisfactory answers to the question "why". He quoted Jesus saying, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." That has helped me through the years. I wish there was an answer.... God bless you and your children. Hugs,Kim

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died from liver disease, so it's different, however, he wouldn't go and get his blood work done for a long time even though the doctor kept telling him to do so. My husband was a wonderful caring person most of the time, however, he was also a drug addict and had issues with alcohol, which led to the disease that killed him. And although I ask 'Why'? on a daily basis, there are no answers.
Your post does speak to me on a different level, Melot...since my husband passed away, I have on several occasions contemplated taking my life. I think about it every day...how I'll do it, when I'll do it and where I'll do it...the only thing that has stopped me is my love for our son, who is already missing his dad. While I might end my pain, I would double his. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Melot I am sorry fot how you lost your husband. I know those questions you may have to try to find answers for.
Not because of losing my husband but being in shoes that made me consider it. I can tell you when the pain is great from my childhood and first marriage... I can put on the best mask anyone has ever seen. A qick look at my profile would give you an idea why, but I am sure you can do with out it.
I will tell you that in the moments when I was at that door, I wasn't feeling for anything but the pain inside of me. It was too great at the time to see beyond.
My heart, I am working at being a survivor of being a widow and making great strides at wanting to be a survivor of my past. My John was so patient with me, it is because of his strength and love, I made it, it is because of his belief that" I can do this" I am trying hard to get better and improve myself.

Still many who never tell, can never get past what hurts them so. It wasn't you, it was him.

My heart Jewell