NO NO..... There are a lot of people that have stated that same thing. You are needed to carry out the wishes and life of your son. You are in the raw stages. You have no choice. Life goes on. You need to get some help from a counseling center in your area. Hugs,,, Sandee

Yes yes yes. I lost mine in March too. The last few days have been horrendous and I've been thinking about suicide more and more. I had a dream last night that he was in the hospital but was going to be sent home for one week, after which he would die. I was in a giant mall shopping for him. I was so incredibly grateful for the extra time. When I woke, I was devastated.
Then today one of our friends posted a Facebook tribute to him and captured him so perfectly, and had such a beautiful picture of him...and I felt like scratching my eyes out the pain was so bad.
There are people who need me, just as your son needs you. But at the worst of times, I ignore that because it feels "good" to contemplate being gone and not feeling this way.
Today I made a doctor appointment for myself, something my husband constantly urged me to do. I felt proud that I did it...then realized WHO CARES? I certainly don't. Why didn't I do this for him when he was alive???

I'm so sorry for your pain. I have no solution.

Wendi , you have someone that needs you and I'm sure relies on you. You do have something to live for. To have a purpose in life, remember that purpose. It will get you through. And yes we all get depressed, it's part of the package.

Best Regards, George

Wendi,

I had suicidal thoughts, but never had plan. Days after my wife's passing, I was trying to fly back to another city to see my mom in stroke. Imagine that I had to face my mom in sickbed in a similar way like my wife, I could not take it anymore, then I went to local hospital to try to get medicine to take with me. But here in Hong Kong, public hospital system is terribly slow. I was handled over an appointment 6 months later. No anti-depressant and under tremendous pressure, PLUS I had no family with me here in Hong Kong. At that moment, I though about it. I was thinking, if a bus comes my way, I won't avoid it. That was the darkest moment of my life. BUT, I SURVIVED that moment. YOU WILL SURVIVE. I got no family, no children, no help, in a foreign land by MYSELF, BUT I SURVIVED. PLEASE Do this, take a deep breath---think about your son, think about us here all your friends at DS, think about your husband who absolutely needs you to live to remember him, think about all who love and need you. LOVES halfway from the world in Hong Kong. Tiger

Wendi, I remember having those awful thoughts. It seems to be part of the grieving process. It will pass. As time goes by, you will feel stronger.
You're right. Your son needs you. Reach out to a church or counselor. The funeral home can advise you. If there is Hope Hospice in your town, contact them. They have counselors . There is no charge for their help.
You will remain in my thoughts and prayers. May peace be with you. Dolores

I was just headed to bed and your post caught my eye. I have been widowed 27 months. Approx a month or two after my wife passed the despair hit full force. I now look at it as the time I spent in hell on earth. Suicidal thoughts and plans filled my head. I was in so much emotional pain and I just wanted it to stop. I couldnt even believe I was thinking that way because it went against everything I believed in.
In desperation I pulled up anti suicide links. What did I learn. The suicidal thoughts are a temporary condition and they will pass. I was at a point where the emotional pain was more than the coping skills I had available. Another words I needed to reach out to a counselor, friend, support group. Even though you feel crazy you are not. You are in despair and yes with time the pain will lessen. I am a living example of someone who walked through it and I am still standing. A big hug to you. I look back now and if I had followed through I would have hurt so many people that didnt deserve to be hurt. I also wouldnt have developed some special friendships I have. I promise you will get through this. I totally get where you are at!

Wendi, so sorry for all the pain. I can honestly say I never thought of suicide, but the thought of no longer caring if I lived or died was a constant in the beginning. Felt my world caved in when my husband died. I am no longer in fear of death. I do go to a support group and so many have had suicidal thoughts but as the months pass, I can see and hear more hopeful thoughts. You have a special needs child who needs you, depends on you. You have a purpose in life always.
Please keep sharing and reaching out. We understand. many hugs to you.

Wendimac. I have lost two husbands. Do NOT go down that road. In December when Jack only had a few days left. He told me. "Make me proud and live your life to the fullest. If you don't then you have let me down". Take Jacks words to heart and I hope they help you. Do not give up. There is sunshine after the rain.

Wendi,
Yes, i too, wondered if I could go on. I wanted to just give up. I never got to the brink, but once you "give up" you sink and slowly fade away.
I Chose to go onbecause I had a Purpose, and for the Sweet memory of my husband.
Wendi, you are precious, you have a son, who need you. YOU have a Purpose.
Life is full of hope, don't give up.
I love you.......Sandra

You were right to think about your son, he needs you! Part of him is your husband, and part of him is you. The pain will ease over time, and you will learn how to go on. Living in this world is one of the hardest things to do, but giving up is not an option.

Wendimac,

I know how hard it is to think straight when we are " on the dark side ", no one around us who can even begin to understand the utter pain and despair we feel. In those moments of darkness, one of the few reflexes I had left was to light a candle and pray that the little light it shed could give me strength to keep breathing, existing, being.

Promise to just try for today to keep going. You are here and your husband is with mine together with so many others, " on the other side". My hope is that when we finally meet again he will have his super smile and be proud of me for having tried to fulfill my life in spite of not having him by my side to do so.

Big virtual hug, Driftersoul

Oh, my heart goes out to you, Wendi. I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and I know how devastating that is. And you're certainly not alone in the emotions you're dealing with right now. However, I'm glad you recognized that you needed help and were willing to call a suicide hotline if necessary. Definitely, it's so key not to go through this alone and to let others know how you're feeling. As was shared, there are certainly stages to grief, and you just need to work through them each as they come (as hard as that is to do). But, along those lines, have you thought of seeing a therapist and getting some help with what you're going through? It can really make a huge difference to talk with a professional. Or maybe look for a local grief support group--maybe a therapist could suggest something or check out GriefShare groups? Just a couple thoughts. But, most of all, I just wanted to say I'm praying for you, friend. Don't give up hope...

#girlluvs2garden#

I think you have recognized the key difference - it is not that you want to die but just that you don't want to continue to live in so much pain. So the answer is not to end your life, but to find a way through the pain.

As you know, I have two special needs guys. Becoming a single parent overnight to them was overwhelming. The depth of the pain is simply incomprehensible to folks with "normal" kids. I didn't just lose my soulmate, I lost half my sons' support system, too. So how on earth are you supposed to survive this?

Bit by bit, piece by piece, moment by moment. It is essential you get counseling for yourself and some respite help with your son. Talk with your doctor and your son's doctor, too. You both are going to need extra help. It is hard when you are not used to asking for help - I am like the living example of that - I would rather do everything myself than ask for help - but there are times when you have to reach out and not try to do it all. This is supremely one of those times!

You would no more want to do anything to cause your son pain than I would have wanted to hurt my sons. We don't have those big strong shoulders like our husbands did to bear all this, but believe me you can do more than you have ever imagined.

It is hard in the early weeks to fight the dark cloud that invades your every waking moment, but if you do fight it, one day you will be able to look back on this time in your life with amazement of how far you have come and how much you have accomplished. Seriously!

Come here as much as you need, too. So many of us have been where you are and lived to tell the tale. It has been truly inspiring to me to watch how others have come here and fought their way through it and come out the other side, stronger, happy again. It DOES happen. Don't give up, and don't beat yourself up for feeling so bad. It will get better.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Wendi, I am so relieved you walked away from the bridge. I to want the pain to end. And I also want to live. Not just for me but for my kids. I just imagine how much pain and suffering my kids would have to go through not only loosing one parent but both. And in a way, while we are grieving they have already lost us. BUT we will com back and be there for them. Please try to get some help from counseling or a church group or someplace! To me, you posting this was a cry for help. So you have already taken the first step. Keep taking a minute at a time! And breath! Kiss your son and hug him a thousand times a day if you have to. It helps me to do this to my son although he gets a little testy after a while! Hugs to you!
Jennifer

I remember feeling that I would love to be taken home to heaven. The place I was in was just too hard for me to survive. I had no suicidal thoughts, just a desire to be free from the pain. I wrote those feelings in a notebook and found releasing the words helped me greatly. I could focus on my feelings and even write what it would do to those who needed me here.

Another release was I made an appointment with a therapist experienced in grief counseling. You might want to consider that. Sharon