Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Holidays are difficult, so I may come off a little more despondent that I usually like to reveal.
I lost Virginia, my wife of 29 years on our anniversary day two years ago. It was very sudden. We had no knowledge that she was sick with anything more than a cough, but during a test she passed from complications due to cancer that started in her uterus and spread to her lungs. It was surreal to say the least. We walked in one day to get a CT Scan and everything seemed normal, but two days later I walked out with our adult kids after giving permission to stop life saving measures to avoid life support. Its been over two years and I miss her immensly. I have read others testimonies on here and agree that it is as if I was ripped apart and can never collect the pieces. At the same time, my faith gives me the peace of knowing that she is at peace, and that is more than a little comfort.
These days I struggle a great deal with regaining the drive I had prior to her death. In truth, I just don't care about the things I cared about before. I love our kids of course, and have been blessed with a wonderful new wife (also widowed) and we are working on chapter two; however, I just dont know if I will ever regain the passion that seems to have gone away when Virginia died. Its so difficult to get excited about things, especially holidays and holiday things. I take care of the things I need to of course, but my heart is just not in most things that involve "the things I used to do." I just go through the motions, hoping to re-ignite. My challenge is that I still live in our house, I still work where we both worked, I go to church where we went since 1991, everything is a reminder.
On one hand, I don't want to walk away from the things that have always been so important, and on the other, they just dont seem imporatant anymore. Anyway, I usually try to be more positive on here than what I am posting today. Perhaps I am looking for encouragement more than answers. I know there is plenty of it on this site.
I know I cannot reclaim the old version of the holidays. I tried to. Cliff died Veterans Day, so all the first year holidays we were in shock. The second year, I tried to do things up like we used to when he was still alive. It just made the empty chair at the table that much more obvious and painful. The third Thanksgiving without him, it wound up just me and our boys, and we discussed what we should do. Finally, we decided we would have our favorite meal - homemade pizza - and just relax and enjoy each other's company and watch a movie. It was so much better than trying to recapture what we had lost or worse pretending that it was the same.
Obviously, it took us a couple tries before we muddled our way to a solution. It takes time, and not everything is successful. But don't give up, you will find your way back to being excited and enthusiastic. Two years is not a long time compared to 29 years, is it? You're still kind of early on with this, so don't be so hard on yourself.
I am sorry for your loss, and your new wife's loss as well. I remarried to a widower, too, so I know what it is like for two people trying to rebuild and make new traditions while still grieving. It is a big challenge. I wish you both comfort, strength, and peace.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I'm on my third Christmas without my husband. I would love to share my life with someone again. I just want to say that life is short and if you have found someone who lives you, focus for Heavens sake!!! Be grateful for a chance to write a next chapter, never forgetting your Viirginia. Your new wife deserves a new chapter. You can love anew without betraying your Virginia. Breath and live.