Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Deb321 06/29/2017

Even tho I was not married, or even still dating my ex boyfriend, we had been together for 10 years and he broke up with me because of his illness. He had colon cancer, but he almost died from a ruptured colon after his reversal surgery, he was septic and in intensive care for 3 weeks. And then in the hospital for 5 months. Even after going home he was very limited as to what he could do. He fought for 4 years and we spoke every day and I saw him a few times a month. He lived with his 85 year old Mom, who basically cared for him at home. Still I didn't realize how sick he really was. I knew his cancer had spread but he never let on how bad it was. He died October 14 of this year. I am just giving some backround that maybe describes why I can't get past his death. Don't get me wrong I am functioning ok. I am even happy. I am usually happy and on an even keel. But I think about Bill every day, and most days at some point I still cry. I understand completely the spouses who were together for so many years and why they can't get past their grief. But I don't quite understand why I can't. I mean even tho we didn't live together or date anymore he was still my go to person and I still loved him very much. I am 65 and have lost my parents quite a while ago and other loved ones but this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I just keep reliving everything and second guessing my choices. I guess I am writing here today(I have posted before) in order to get validation that what I am feeling is normal

raininseattle 06/29/2017

I am sorry for what you're going through, and wanted to tell you what you are feeling is legit and valid.

I have saved these articles for you to understand what I mean by it:
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/disen-whaaaat-understanding-disenfranchised-grief
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/disenfranchised-grief-1

Veronica77 06/29/2017

My boyfriend of over 20 years died suddenly on 02/11/14 and I feel totally lost without him. We did not live together as I was 40 and owned my home and he owned his home, and things were comfortable that way. We were always there for each other. What you are feeling is totally normal. It has been three years and though the ups and downs aren't as bad, I still have moments of sadness every day. ((Hugs))

vwidow 06/29/2017

Deb, I feel like it's me talking here (when I read your words) except for a few variations. I was married (for a little over 6 yrs) and my husband had diabetes and then what develops from that. He went into the hospital with sepsis from an infection from a foot reconstruction gone bad...He was in different hospitals also for about 5 months. I really didn't see him for a total of 3 of those. But I was the main one interacting in person with him/ trying to protect him. He made family members his poa, so I was limited. He felt controlled. When his memory returned and he was becoming more himself and about to exit the hosp. anyday into a snf, he died. How many times has this happened with others? 2 times for me. ( i.e. loved ones about to be transferred from one facility to another and they die). You obviously love and are very close to your Bill. I hope we will overcome in all things and live the life God wants us to. That is the best one. Peace, Anita

Deb321 06/29/2017

Thank you all so much. Glad my grief is normal!!!! Hugs to you all

Deb321 06/29/2017

Wow those articles are amazing. Exactly how I'm feeling. Thank you so much!!!!!

Dottk 06/29/2017

Hi, I lost my husband of 39 years in April this year, also to colon cancer. A year ago we thought he had it beat, his CEA had dropped from the 600s to below 60 and looked like it might keep going down. But then everything went wrong. I won't go into details, because it is simply too painful. It's only been 10 weeks since he left and my own life has been so very crazy and complicated since that everyday is a struggle. I was able to get a job very recently, and some friends have been very helpful while others have their own struggles to worry about. Today was a pretty good day. Got a few things done and was able to meet up for dinner with one of my kids and his wife and 2 of my grandbabies for dinner, which was very good, because I have kind of isolated myself and missed them, especially those babies, but I am still very lonely much of the time, still overwhelmed with feelings at times, and things that need doing and the many things that I simply cannot manage do alone. I expect it will go on like this, from what I have read from others here, for quite some time. Some days will go well, others will not. All I can hope is that perhaps gradually more days will go well than those that don't . But, for me, I only try to deal with today the best I can. Plans and hopes and dreams I once had for the two of us are over. There is no more "the two of us" except in the past tense. That fact, in itself, is so hard to comprehend after so many years together. Now, there is only me, and somehow, I need to on as long as God has planned for me, and learn who this "me" person even is! It's strange, sometimes, that it should be so hard to figure this out, but at the same time, I have never really been just "me" before. So far, the only thing I am sure of is that I can't, and I won't, go on regretting what might have been, but never will be. I know that at times, the loss of my husband is going to smack me hard, and probably leave me a mess, but. I will have to deal with that as it comes as well.. I am, for all intents, "in rehab". I can only change what I can, accept what I can't, and learn to know, and to accept that the two are very different things.

Savannah17 06/30/2017

I am so sorry for your loss. Feeling crazy is normal at a time like this.

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