Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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laurabp 09/20/2010

Ok, it has been 21 months and I was feeling better about everythng in my life till I hit September. For whatever reason, Fall has not been the usual happy time for me this year; it's been a sad September so far, with my husband's birthday coming up next week. Recently just out of curiosity I decided to look up some names on Facebook, including my two sisters-in-law. I really did not expect either of them to be on there, but they were. The one sister never liked me from day one, the other was nice when I finally met her, but she spent many years feuding with the entire family and only got on speaking terms with everyone the last couple of years of my husband's life. Immediately after the funeral, they both dropped me abruptly and I felt very hurt but not really surprised. Now they both have their pictures on Facebook and the proud status of "married" on their profiles and that has made me so angry! They get to go on with their lives with their husbands while I lost mine!

I have never felt angry or envious of any other couples since I lost my husband; even the tourists my age who are in town, walking around holding hands don't bother me - I'm a romantic at heart and it is good to see couples enjoying their retirement together, EXCEPT for my two sisters-in-law! I know in my head that it not their fault that their brother, my husband, died, and that the anger I feel is totally unreasonable and undeserved, but it is still there. It's not like me to hang onto anger and resentment this long, but I cannot help how I feel. After nearly two years widowed, I'm STILL trying to figure out my "new" place in the world and where I fit in. Is anyone else out there still stuck on a problem after making it this far along the journey? Please somebody tell me this is "normal". laurabp

Shrn 09/20/2010

My in-laws both passed away in the 1980's but I never thought I was out of the family. We saw less of Don's brother and sister, but my feelings didn't change and neither did his. Apparently we were both wrong. I haven't seen his sister since the funeral and when I called recently because I heard she was ill she was cold and rude saying, I'm just fine. His brother went with me to spread the ashes and that was the end of him unless we meet accidently. He claims to still care about me but I haven't seen any evidence or even a phone call.

I don't say Diz is wrong, but why would everything fall apart because I never thought of them as Don's family. They were my family too, since I was 16 years old and dating their son/brother. I was taking care of his father when he was in the hospital. I fed him every day breakfast and lunch. His sister fed him supper. I lived with Don's grandmother when she was dying at home and cared for her. Now they aren't my family? Diz is right, but it's still wrong to me. Sharon

Parmela 09/20/2010

I don't think what your feeling is at all out of the norm. I don't feel any anger or resentment toward any married couple......except my parents.

I look at them, locked in an unhappy marriage for over 55 years and I can't help being angry that they still have each other while my beloved husband is gone.

I know these feelings are irrational, but I can't help how I feel. I've just acknowledged it's part of the grieving process and allowed myself to be angry and resentful. As time has passed, those feeling are starting to become less intense. I think, in part, because I didn't try to analyze them to much and get upset with myself for feeling the way I do.

As for family, in-laws or otherwise, it hurts to realize that they aren't always there for us. For me, whenever someone in my family lets me down, it's just another reminder of how truely alone I am now. It's hard not to be sad when you feel lonely and disconnected from others.

I hope you feel better soon.

doyew 09/20/2010

Staying "in touch" means so much to some people; nothing to others. I don't know why, of course. All of my husband's siblings are gone now except one, and she's 89 and in a nursing home far from me. I send her cards and call her son occasionally to check on her. Don't resent your sisters-in-law -- it just takes energy you can use to focus on thinking good thoughts of others in your life who are not letting you down. We all know people who disappoint us, who let us down, who ignore us when we would love some TLC from them.

I don't know who originated this quote, but I like it:
"We can't build our life on what is past; that part is over. With God's help we can build our life with what we now have. Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; and today is a gift. What's why we call it the present."
Blessings - Doye

laurabp 09/20/2010

To those who have responded, thank you. It does help to know I'm not alone with these conflicting emotions. To Floyd, you do make good points. I asked myself what I wanted from these sisters-in-law, and the answer is that I do NOT want a continuing relationship. Rather, I wanted them to simply send me a message last Christmas, (The one year anniversary was Dec. 5th). Several of Stan's friends and two cousins did send me cards with encouraging messages, asking how I was doing, offering help if I needed anything. That is what I wanted from my sisters-in-law, just acknowledgement that I existed, and a kind word or two. I realize that we will move forward in different directions, but I expected a kinder, gentler exit - not the abruptness and coldness that I received. laurabp

driveler 09/20/2010

I will not claim to get along great with ALLmy in-laws, but I am very grateful for most of them. When my husand died I asked one of his brothers to go with me to make the arrangedments, so that if he wanted to he could at least have some input. He didn't have much input, but at least I included him. He is still very much a part of my life. My husbands sousins have been a complete Godsend. When I burned down the house they took me in and helped me with EVERYTHING and they still include me in most family (and other) occasions. When I broke my arm and had to go to the hospital, it is them that I called and who came to "be there for me" I am so very thankful for their love and support and even if one day I get remarried and no longer "share a last name" with them I am confident that they will ALWAYS be my family!
I wish everyone had in-laws who supported them like mine do me.

deleted_user 09/20/2010

Wow, I can respond to this. Laura, a very similar thing happened to me, and I've been perplexed and a bit hurt.. Old Diz, perhaps you're right, since ne chain, my husband, is no longer there, perhaps the relationships couldn't survive. My husband was an only child, but he was very close to two cousins. Since the morning of the burial, I haven't heard from any of them. He left his female cousin (I always respectfully called her his "sister") a house in NC. He left the other cousin one of his cars. My lawyer actually said that as his wife, I have the "right of election" and I could decide to contest the will. I didn't. Didn't feel it was worth it. Let them have it and let them go.
But honestly, he would be absolutely shocked and dismayed at how they have completely written me out of their lives.

deleted_user 09/20/2010

Not very far for me -- five and a half long months -- but my brother and sister-inlaw both abandoned me since the funeral!!!! why, because my husband really was not very socialable with them, they had issues for a long time but I tried -- I tried so hard to unit that family. For what -- nothing. The step sons are even worse!!! I had to hire a lawyer a week after my husband died -- I don't think one member of his family knows where I laid my husband to rest or how -- why -- no one asked!!! So, yes, I understand. I am very angry and hurt and upset and sad and a bunch of other things -- don't be hard on yourself. I have decided that whoever does not want to be in my life -- it's perfectly fine with me. The one who did, was called to heaven!!!

Shrn 09/20/2010

Diz, Oh no offense taken. Hope I didn't offend you that's why I said you weren't wrong in what you said. I just don't think it's very nice of people. I actually agree with what you suggested by putting the past behind us is the answer. At least with those who chose to have it that way. I have my new place in the world, I guess I just expected to have both. Greedy, aren't I? (joke!) Sharon

deleted_user 09/21/2010

At least your in-laws DIS talk to you...or they have spoken to you in the past. I will trade what I have for anything else that there is out there. Todd's people are shit. Unfortunately, I do not expect e revelation anytime in this lifetime. To keep from doing bodily harm to these pieces of shit, I pretend they don't exist. This is most difficult; as they are my closest neighbours. My children do not know these people. The choice was up to Todd's mother and the non-father. I do not know what their problem is and may never know.

If you have ever had any relationship with your in-laws....you are blessed. You may have to count your loss....but there is a possibility they make wake up. Peace...Kaaren

lovingrob 09/21/2010

Although it's been a little over 4 months, I've been fortunate that my relationship with my in-laws is still great. Maybe what helps is that they live in Michigan and us in Ohio so we only saw each other a few times a year and spoke on the phone frequently. I still talk with Rob's only sister about once a week for hours on end. I talk with his parents a few times a month and his gramma as well.

deleted_user 09/21/2010

I think that it is normal to get angry about irrational things during this grieving process. I know that I have been angry at some pretty silly things at least on the surface. I think that being angry at the irrational is easier than dealing with what we really are angry about. I have often found myself angry at stupid stuff and when I sit myself down and take a closer look I realize that what I think I am angry at is just smoke and mirrors. The anger is easier to deal with when I get down to what is really wrong. Seeing your SIL`s on Facebook and reading their status just triggered the very legitimate anger that you have for the way that you have been treated. It is unfair and wrong. Considering this, I do not think that your anger is unreasonable nor undeserved. I think it is perfectly understandable. The sad thing is, you still have to find a way to get rid of it. I agree with Diz as the only person that is probably ever going to get hurt by it is you. I know from first hand experience that it really does not feel good. Hugs.

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