This posting has a duel purpose. For those of you who are new to the grief and loss of becoming a widow(er) the purpose is to let you know that things really do start to feel better. Up until after I has passed the year mark of Nick's death I cannot describe the pain and hollowness that filled me. I know I do not have to tell you what it is like because each of you either are currently experiencing it or remember it all too well. I still have some really awful times and then it feels like I am starting all over. But, I have noticed these times hit me less frequently and do not last for weeks at a time.

For those of you who have walked with me for some time on this journey and have given me encouragement to go on, it is to let you know that even though times are not great I really do see that some healing has been taking place.

Today I accomplished something that I truly did not think I was ready to do. In reality it is a small thing but emotionally it is huge to me. Nick & I spent a lot of time in our back yard. We would watch birds, do garden work, walk around hand in hand and see how the trees were doing and argue over how may branches were going to get cut off. I truly have been unable to even look at the back yard for more than just a passing glance let alone actually go outside and do work there. Needless to say, the back yard is a total mess. I have weeds and wild cat nip higher than I am tall. Thistles and all sorts of broad leaf weeds are thriving as well.

At the first of the Spring I decided I needed to hire someone to take care of the entire thing for me. I surprised myself today by grabbing a huge container of Round Up and tackling the mess all by myself. I sprayed weeds that are in the garden area, in the flower beds and then all of the weeds in the cracks of the side walks. It was a lot of spraying and quite a few hours in the dreaded back yard.

The great thing about it is that I did not have an emotional melt down. I thought of Nick a lot and I do feel very very lonely but it hasn't reduced me to a weeping pile of jelly. Being able to do this has given me a sense of empowerment over grief-- at least for now--- and a knowledge that something is starting to heal inside even though there is still a long ways to go.

I am hopeful that today and being able to be in the back yard again and take care of a problem issue is a sign that I am finally stepping up to the plate.

Thank you to everyone who has chatted with me, called me, sent me messages & hugs. I have a long ways yet to go but you have all helped me reach this point of healing. Thank you!
'Darlene