Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I fought with myself not to write anything, but you guys are my only outlet. I've been looking forward to spring because I thought getting outside and doing things would make me feel better. Instead, all I saw was my girl planting her flowers on the back deck, the porch, and her gardens. It has depressed me more than I was before.
June 5th will be 6 months since my girl left. People, family and friends tell me I have to go on and enjoy life, because that's what Karen would want.
I'm sure they are right, Karen would want that, but it's really up to me to figure out where my life goes.
Karen was not only the best thing in my life, she was my whole life. Everything I did was to see that beautiful smile on her face, but she did the same for me. I had the pleasure and privilege to Love her for 45 years, and I am really trying to find a reason to want to go on. She was my Life and now she's gone Instead of getting better, I seem to be getting worse
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I've had a wonderful life, with a wonderful woman, and that is enough for me.
Joe
June 5th will be 6 months since my girl left. People, family and friends tell me I have to go on and enjoy life, because that's what Karen would want.
I'm sure they are right, Karen would want that, but it's really up to me to figure out where my life goes.
Karen was not only the best thing in my life, she was my whole life. Everything I did was to see that beautiful smile on her face, but she did the same for me. I had the pleasure and privilege to Love her for 45 years, and I am really trying to find a reason to want to go on. She was my Life and now she's gone Instead of getting better, I seem to be getting worse
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I've had a wonderful life, with a wonderful woman, and that is enough for me.
Joe
Hugs
Its not easy at all
I'm faced with trying to find another job as soon as possible to get away from all this. But the world keeps turning. I'll keep you in you in my prayers with us all.
Take care.
Peace, Tim
I guess I got off topic and into something else in my reply. It does seem at times there can be no life without Linda, but like you I know she wanted me to keep moving forward until my race was over at the time appointed. It doesn't make it easier to know this but it keeps me focused. I know there will be a future of some kind, the not knowing creates anxiety levels that are sometimes hard to manage. I understand the days when you feel like your getting worse. It's a rollercoaster ride with all the ups and downs.
But looking where I was, I have to admit things have gotten better over time. Still just trying to learn how to live with it.
Take care.
Peace, Tim
When my husband died my first few months I stayed so busy I was worn out. Then I wasn't so busy with mowing etc because it was Winter. But I would go into the barn he built, the stalls he built in fact everything around here he built and I would feel it so quiet and it would make me depressed.
The only thing that got me through honestly, was my doctor. And I keep in touch with a few good friends and my family. Plus I have a few horses here and our dogs and cats. If not for them I would be talking to the walls.
Well, you take care. You need more time before you can begin to feel a bit more in control. The stages of grief is how I refer to it, has many facets. I hope you feel better if you do like Lois11 says, plant a flower and give it your wife's name. It's for her.
Our area was hit with a hurricane in 2010 with a lot of damage
to our home. One of the things that happened to our home
was a nice back porch that was destroyed. I add money to the
insurance settlement and had a huge back porch constructed
across the entire back of our home. I filled it with all sorts of
furniture and added an old fashioned porch swing as well as
many outdoor items ( wind chimes, many hummingbird
feeders, small bird houses, squirrel feeders, etc. ) my wife
found fascinating. We began spending many, many evenings
and weekends on that huge back porch and would, at times,
be surrounded by 30 or more hummingbirds, butterflies,
different types of other small birds and a few squirrels from
time to time.
Inside the house, her recliner still sits empty and is filled
with a few items as everyone knows I do not want anyone
to sit in it. It is a constant reminder but I have no immediate
plans to change it.
When I walk out on the back porch to go feed the horses
or for other reasons, I don't pause. Her comfortable chair
on the back porch is still sitting there next to a table. On
the table are several items that belonged to her and I
have not yet brought myself to moving them or putting
them away. That back porch represents hundreds or
perhaps a couple of thousands of hours of conversation,
laughter and love. That should provide comfort but it
seems to produce only tears and I cannot sit down at
that table opposite her chair or the porch swing or any
other chairs on that porch. I tried but I could not bring
myself to feed the hummingbirds or the squirrels as
spring arrived.
I am just over 9 months. Like Tim, I have days ( or
perhaps hours ) where I think I am slightly improving
but then I seem to get knocked back almost to the
beginning. At best, I am just trying to learn to cope
with it. For certain, I can't say I understand at this
point.
At times, I think I go all the way back to " shock " for
short periods. I keep thinking about how everything in
my entire life changed in a split second. Even for a
moment, I just never imagined life without her. I do
not like this world without her.
Hang in there, Joe. Minute at a time, hour at a time
and, hopefully, day at a time. I think about options
that those are my only choices.
Blessings -
Darrell
Normally by now, I'd have all the flowers, herbs and veggies planted along with all the garden tchotchkes in place. I'm obsessed with being in the garden and outside....but this year? No....not so much....so far at least. I've always said that my yard/garden was my sanctuary. My happy place. I was always out there with my constant companion of 13 years, my sweet dog Ty who just passed away on April 30. Now I tend to feel really alone. Something that I thought that I relished. But did I? I've always said my endeavors were for me because Ira and my daughter really had no interest in my hobby. They did however love the results of having a vacation right in our backyard. So soothing....a hammock, fire pit, hot tub, pond, secret rooms, and not long ago a pool too. This year though I am discovering that even though I would tease them about letting me be in my heaven on earth....I did love that they loved cool spring days and hot summer nights in what I created for them to enjoy.
Well, now Ira's gone....Ty's gone and so my motivation is gone too. As I let last weekend pass without even going into the yard, I could have let myself sink deeper in my self pity and loneliness. And I kind of did for a day or two. I believe that we sometimes need some down time to reflect, lick our wounds and perhaps recharge.
Yesterday, the sun came out and so Darcie decided to as well. After work (even though I was tired and almost didn't go) I went to the nursery and bought almost everything I needed and then some. Tonight....I shall plant! My heart is still heavy but I know that if I don't....I will feel worse in the long run. My daughter said "just don't do it." I told her that if I didn't....it would be another part of me gone. So......I'm doing it for me this time for real!
Joe....it's not just you....spring brings out a lot of emotions. I love the suggestions from others of planting a flower or two for Karen.
Let me also say that if the roles were reversed and I was the one to pass....and I saw that Ira let my garden go to weeds??? There would be some noise from above and some H E double toothpicks to pay!!! (Assuming that's where I would end up being a potty mouth and all! Lol!).
Your girl is with you and watching you and guiding you! Take care of her place.....not necessarily as much as she would have done....but keep it pretty for her and fill it with love! I know it will make you feel a bit better in the long run.
As for me? I've got a ton to plant so I must get started. I'll get back my mojo once the dirt starts a flyin!
Besides I have a very special guest coming next month and even though I'm doing this for me right now....I want it to be special for him too! Chapter 3 is being written but Chapter 2 will never be forgotten and always be full of loving wonderful memories. I know it's been said a thousand times but....life is for the living. It's a gift. Many want it and lose it. We have it so let's cherish it.
My thoughts are with you Joe and everyone else suffering the great loss....
Big warm hugs all around!
Darcie
Always Sue