Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This will be a long one...
Since my Ts body died I have been trying to gain some faith in afterlife.
I understand for some people this is not needed for them to move on, and if I dont get myself to be more of a believer, I guess I probably have to find ways to move on anyway. But for now I want to try to learn more about this, it is one of my few interests of the moment.
But me being so clumsy - as my T - in almost everything in life, I somehow managed to turn this pursue of faith into another way of being more anxious and scared.
Among some of the possibilities I have been hearing about: that we are here in this physical body to learn a lesson, and we will reincarnate over and over until we learn it. I am such a slow learner, the idea that I am going through this, and most likely will not learn whatever lesson I am supposed be learning, and so my spirit will keep coming back to the planet and I will be forced to experience things like this over and over and over is horrible.
One guy wrote suicide is like cutting class, the result will be that you have to come back again until you learn it... Am I the only one who finds this scary??? Not even if I kill myself will this end??? I keep thinking of Dad, and the chance that he goes soon too, and I clearly think the best thing to do when/if that happens would be for me to donate my few possessions to animal rights associations, euthanize my cats, and kill myself. And now I am even more afraid that unwillingly I will be "shipped" to earth again...
And what about the idea that we are all in this body to learn and maybe to teach. If he has been here with the mission to teach, lets say to teach me how to appreciate life, and live in the present. It doesnt look like I am learning it... It is working totally in the opposite direction. Will he be "punished" for not having succeeded and sent back again, to have to deal with another me?
And this reincarnation thing: that my T might reincarnate as a being with another gender, species, color, ... It took me 29 years to find him, now he is physically gone, and it will be even more challenging to find him again?! WTF?
Unlike most people here, I dont have spiritual/religious faith in afterlife or a kind entity that rules us all, but I am not cool with this, so I am trying to hear as much as I can, with the hope that something will click and make sense, and then make me feel better. I try to think as an open-minded skeptic, since I am aware of some facts. Facts like viruses exists and I dont see them, so maybe some spirits are present but I cant see them... Facts like once everybody thought the planet was flat, and then we found out it wasnt, so maybe one day we will all know for a fact there is an afterlife, even though now its not obvious... Dumb things like this. I know I am maybe approaching these issues with too much of an "earthly eye", but I am so confused... Dont know what to believe in, dont know how to have faith one day the two of us will be together again, and I cant get myself to believe either that when our body dies, it is over.
So I want to hear from you all, maybe some of the people with faith can provide me of some words that make sense to me, and maybe I find that I am not the only one this confused.
Sorry it was so long. Here goes
Since my Ts body died I have been trying to gain some faith in afterlife.
I understand for some people this is not needed for them to move on, and if I dont get myself to be more of a believer, I guess I probably have to find ways to move on anyway. But for now I want to try to learn more about this, it is one of my few interests of the moment.
But me being so clumsy - as my T - in almost everything in life, I somehow managed to turn this pursue of faith into another way of being more anxious and scared.
Among some of the possibilities I have been hearing about: that we are here in this physical body to learn a lesson, and we will reincarnate over and over until we learn it. I am such a slow learner, the idea that I am going through this, and most likely will not learn whatever lesson I am supposed be learning, and so my spirit will keep coming back to the planet and I will be forced to experience things like this over and over and over is horrible.
One guy wrote suicide is like cutting class, the result will be that you have to come back again until you learn it... Am I the only one who finds this scary??? Not even if I kill myself will this end??? I keep thinking of Dad, and the chance that he goes soon too, and I clearly think the best thing to do when/if that happens would be for me to donate my few possessions to animal rights associations, euthanize my cats, and kill myself. And now I am even more afraid that unwillingly I will be "shipped" to earth again...
And what about the idea that we are all in this body to learn and maybe to teach. If he has been here with the mission to teach, lets say to teach me how to appreciate life, and live in the present. It doesnt look like I am learning it... It is working totally in the opposite direction. Will he be "punished" for not having succeeded and sent back again, to have to deal with another me?
And this reincarnation thing: that my T might reincarnate as a being with another gender, species, color, ... It took me 29 years to find him, now he is physically gone, and it will be even more challenging to find him again?! WTF?
Unlike most people here, I dont have spiritual/religious faith in afterlife or a kind entity that rules us all, but I am not cool with this, so I am trying to hear as much as I can, with the hope that something will click and make sense, and then make me feel better. I try to think as an open-minded skeptic, since I am aware of some facts. Facts like viruses exists and I dont see them, so maybe some spirits are present but I cant see them... Facts like once everybody thought the planet was flat, and then we found out it wasnt, so maybe one day we will all know for a fact there is an afterlife, even though now its not obvious... Dumb things like this. I know I am maybe approaching these issues with too much of an "earthly eye", but I am so confused... Dont know what to believe in, dont know how to have faith one day the two of us will be together again, and I cant get myself to believe either that when our body dies, it is over.
So I want to hear from you all, maybe some of the people with faith can provide me of some words that make sense to me, and maybe I find that I am not the only one this confused.
Sorry it was so long. Here goes
The soul comes into existence at conception and is associated with a human body. You are your soul, not your body. Your purpose while you are alive on this earth in to develop spiritual qualities ( by choosing good moral choices ). These spiritual qualities are the same in all the religions - love, kindness, patience, justice, truth... When your body dies your soul will take with you into the next life, a spiritual life, those spiritual qualities that you have developed.
In that next life, you will continue to perfect these spiritual qualities as you "move" closer to God. Your soul is eternal. You will associate with other souls that you were close to here on earth.
None of the religions talk too much about what that afterlife is like, except that is is wonderful. Paradise, a house with many mansions, etc. The job of religion is to prepare people to make the transition with their spiritual nature developed.
Lol, I'm saying this from a practical viewpoint and maybe that is not what you need. It's just that if you follow a religion, any religion, and follow the teachings you will develop your spiritual side which is why we are here.
It is "that" which resonates w/you ...
There are some who say they don't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation but at the same time say they believe in heaven, God, the Holy Spirit, or receive signs/continue to wait for them ...
It can be confusing, just as reading books on the subjects ...
Somewhere along the line it seems like there are contractions even in the Bible w/its many different authors ...
What I found was I needed to keep it simple ...
Not take in too much information all at once ...
When I got to a point in my reading/studies that created upset or confusion, I'd stop ...
Generally, I read the same passages/excerpts over & over to internalize/strengthen my beliefs - afterall, it was the first time my beliefs had ever been tested/challenged w/such force ...
I also made signs w/their words to hang around the house or found something that would remind me of what I needed & where I was at ...
In retrospect, I see that all I really needed & wanted to know in my first year was that Bob transitioned safe, happy & restored as pure energy/spirit ...
I left the rest till more clarity developed as well as the urge came to learn more ...
This is all grief work ...
Sorry, there is no easy way to do it ...
I think that what you really need is a counselor to work through your unresolved issues surrounding the relationship before he died, rather than being preached at regarding what happens after you die.
Faith is not something anyone can give you. It either grows from within or it doesn't. I can tell you that I believe in an after-life and that I am not concerned about whether I will see Cliff again. That will not make you a believer. And my new husband is an atheist and he could tell you there is nothing more and that wouldn't help you either.
You will be in a better frame of mind and heart to settle the faith questions after you have worked through the other complications involved in your situation.
I do ask that you give it at least a year, no matter what, and that you put aside any thoughts of suicide for at least that time. Find any reason you have to in order to keep living, but promise yourself that you won't waste your life by taking it and thinking only about suicide. If you cannot do that, then you need to contact the emergency services of the hospital or your doctor and explain to them that you want to take your life, and they will help you so you won't do that.
Every day we decide to try to live or die. As long as we still have any choice in the matter, it is always better to choose to live. I can tell you that I had those dark thoughts early on, too. Sometimes it was a tough fight not to give in to those self-destructive thoughts. But I can tell you in unequivocal terms that I would have missed so very much if I had given up, and I am so glad I did not give up. There is so much joy and wonder to be had yet.
I sometimes got by on sheer stubbornness; I was angry at God a very long time. Sometimes faith helps, sometimes it does the opposite. Grief can make you crazy on many levels; and as much as I know the wonderful value faith can have in a life, I also know it will not take away the pain of the loss. It can erase some of the fears, but the heartbreak is still there.
Please seek help with a professional counselor. I think if you do that you will find it easier to find your own personal answers to these deeper questions in addition to finding meaning in the life you still have.
Hope this helps....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Faith is the food for the spirit. That means believing in what we don't understand quite often. If we had all knowledge we would think we were God. We aren't. That spirit came from God and returns to God at our physical death.
Doing Good, being kind, loving others are the result of faith. They aren't the payment to get to heaven.
I don't think you can find the answers you seek online. My advice would be to get a Living Bible and read the book of John. Also talk to people who have studied religions and teachers of faith. We all have different understanding of God, the After life and our faith. Only God knows, but you can reach a peace in what is revealed to you.
Praying for you to find the right answers for you to have peace in your life. That peace comes for me by keeping my eyes (focus) on the one who knows all. Sharon
2)And what about the idea that we are all in this body to learn and maybe to teach. If he has been here with the mission to teach, lets say to teach me how to appreciate life, and live in the present.
3) Facts like viruses exists and I dont see them, so maybe some spirits are present but I cant see them..
I can feel the wanting of some clarity. Many times grief and guilt can be so strong as to block messages of comfort of communication. .
It's not at all like phone a friend. But more of doing something here , T can find a way of reacting to, from there. That is seen or felt to you. Your proof you seek, you will need to be open to also. Emotionally that means removing blocks. Increasing reach, some do this by imagery, meditation,fasting, even meds.
Also an NDE in your life may have made the linc, but rationality "People will think I am nuts!" this is a mental block, you put in place."I am not deserving I didn't give back enough?"Guilt feelings.
shut those doors tight. But since you are now seeking, it may still be accessed to a point. But you have to remove those blocks.
On his side this also is a time of learning and growing. So depending on how he left, he has yet to work through some things to be able to come through to this plane.
If you are glimpsing him in dreams , but can not reach get to him, the dream is frustrating. So you wake feeling depressed, that he didn't turn and meet you. These are not dreams of past real remembrances, but of him in the here and now in time. Look for the colors of trees in the dream...do they match now? in the present? if so that may have been an attempt of a visit from him.
He is showing himself but just not close enough yet, or ready (this may also be you not ready).
I am making a PM to you. too much to explain or cover here. But a start.
It would be nice if the world did that as whole. I know I have "free will", so God/creator, or even no check in the box, are my choice to be productive, compassionate and helpful.
Though not a lot of help in getting through the grief. That has is own coarse to be followed. But helpful in feeling my own self worth at times.
Tough decision at times to believe or not, then also "what", defined.
Why do I beleive. My faith and also signs I have jad since my wife passed. I beleive you are seeking the one thing we are all seeking. A sense of peace. You are on the right track by questioning and learning. Ultimately making decision that work best for you. As humans we want to control everything in our life. This journey of losing a loved one shows us how little control we actually have. You are opening yourself up to growth and learning. As you posted before I dont beleive you are a misfit but a survivor in the making. You have found the right place to let the healing begin. Wishing you only the best. Gerald
Now having said that at times it is very hard for me to believe or imagine. My humanness gets in the way. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. I was raised catholic.
But it is to much for me to bare that I will never see or whatever my Scott again. I just can't think like this.
So I chose to have faith to believe even though there is no proof.
No one has come back from death. Except Jesus if u believe in him.
So I pray for faith AND STRENGTH AND Some peace.
I pray that my life honors Scott's memory and love. And I try to do good. And love for that is all there is in the end.
kathy
I started attending in March orginally to just take her there for her. But, found it was helpful for me also. Now I believ that God found that church for us, somehow knew that we were goinng to be in need, and we were.
So I half to say that my faith has been renewed, even with her loss, I am still going and learning to believe again. I find great solace in this and do believe that God led us to this place that it was time to Get It Right , this is just one mans thoughts but, hope it is helpful to you in your struggle. Faith is a very personal choice, and it requires Faith.
Best to you
Jeff
sorry I went so long on this.