Roz, like many guys, I'm a man who has spent a lifetime fixing stuff, but there are some things that man (or woman) simply cannot repair. I think we like to fools ourselves into believing doctors can fix anything. They may be excellent "troubleshooters", but they are only human.

When my wife had her heart attack, I didn't think she was going to die at first. Doctors were there working to save her, and I had book knowledge of all the different ways they could treat a "widowmaker" heart attack. I knew it was serious, but we had technology and knowledge on our side, right?

Well, the technology can only do so much. The human body is very complex, and it wears out. All along the doctors kept telling me she might recover but it was going to be very, very difficult. People can and do recover in miraculous ways, but there was no miracle for my wife.

I know the doctors did everything they possibly could.

As for being angry with myself for not realizing she had serious medical issues before her heart attack, I've been there. I only recently remembered there was one (ONE) time where my wife said she was having some chest pains, but she didn't want to go to the doctor and the pains went away. I can't even remember when this happened. We just went on with life.

Knowing what I know now, I'd react differently of course, but the important point is we don't know something until we learn it. I admit this is a very hard knock school, the School of Grief, but we can't be blamed and shouldn't blame ourselves for not being better about things we don't understand.

Roz, Joe, my husband was diagnosed from the hospital with sinusitis and bronchitis on a Monday and passed on a Wed. eve. I have beaten myself up over and over why I did not insist in taking him back to the hospital on that Tues or early Wed. amhe ended up with a heart attack at home. He was also stubborn and probably would not allow me to get him back to the hospital one day after being out of the hospital. I still feel I could have done more..I should have insisted on a EKG at the hospital which they did not give him nor any blood workwe took the word of sinus and bronchitis...

As humans we sometime forget that we are just that, humans...No super powers to prevent what I believe is faithed to be . Yet when our love one dies, we seem to lay blame at our feet that we did not do enough..

The " what if " game becomes a constant we struggle to cope with. Despite Dr's trained not being able to save them, we think that we should have done better. Our beating ourself up over this helps cover the guilt that we were the surviving ones.

Well the truth is simply that. We are not super heroes . we did not have the power to save them from embarking on their new journey , leaving us behind to do so. We are but mere humans ...

The guilt , the regrets they are there but dealt with in a proper manner, the guilt and regrets can be turned into powerful tools.

Tools to give us strength to accept that we are humans...Tools to have the courage to live on ...Tools to give us the knowledge to let go the guilt and replace it with acceptance of the memories which serves to show us of the gift having them in our lives were.

After a while, I started playing a new version of the what if game...For each what if meant to make me fill guilty, I brought for a happy memory.