never beat yourself up..I never in my lifetime thought that my husband would have had a heart attack...he had other health issues but we always thought he had a strong heart...When it happened he had to have 9 stints...the doctors couldn't believe it...I couldn't believe it...he had no signs what so ever...I keep thinking that there was a reason he had to leave...that is sometimes what gets me through..I can't bare this life without him but unfortunately I have no choice...I just sometimes I wish I could have gone first...

Hi Joe, Not a one of us here that wishes for a different outcome. But the truth is we all did the best we could at the time, not really knowing what the end result would be. We are all but humans, and last time I checked there was only One who was perfect, certainly not you and certainly not me. Please don't let the would've, could've, should'ves eat you alive, because they will if you let them. We can do nothing to change the past, and dwelling on the what-ifs does us no good at all. Your wife knew you loved her and did all you could do within your power and knowledge at the time. She knows that. You need to realize it as well. God bless you my friend. ~~~ Scottie

Doctors tend to act that way towards us women.. not all, but alot. example when I was 38, now Im 45, I was having my hair fall out, and forgetting things Male doctor told me, I was psycho, and it was all in my head, and to get on with my life. Finally in 2013, I was 43, went to a ob/gynn, few simple blood tests, she said my estradiol was 12, that is menopause.. and then I had internal ovarian cysts, and they were causing me to be anemic, she recommended a total hysterctomy, had that, and of course this grief causes me to forget, but still have my hair, and Im not psycho. Some doctors are just not empathetic, nor deligient in wantin, or trying to figure out what might be wrong. You did NOTHING wrong, and maybe, eventhough you dont want to think about, there may still not have been anything you couldve done, to save her. Im not much help, but unfortunately things happen that are out of our control. Much love and big hugs carla

Joe...when you say you failed your wife, you are absolutely wrong. Your situation parallels mine quite a bit.
Marylou had health problems going back to 1991 and before...like yourself, I had a bypass in 2014 (a quad), and by the Grace of God I am doing rather well...physically, that is.
About four months after my surgery, I was back to work and everything, Marylou ended up in ER with all the stuff that gets you a bypass, thank God I was home at the time (I'm a trucker).
She came out of her bypass (a double) with flying colors...but to keep it short, the house of cards came tumbling down, and in the end it was a brain aneurism that nobody could have seen coming.
After 25 days in the hospital, we had to make the decision to remove life support, as there was zero chance she would ever regain consciousness.
Right after that I had some bigtime guilt...the life support was removed on a Friday...and after, I'm thinking "Why didn't I leave her on the life support just over the weekend, and gather everybody to pray for one final miracle, it has happened before"...family members have talked me out of feeling that way, but even now, 10 months later...there is still the bitter memory.
But is the guilt on me, or you? Absolutely not.
Have you ever seen the movie "Body Heat?" Where she arranged to have her husband murdered so she could get his money? It happens all the time, and THEY are the people who have something to be guilty about.
You do not.

I struggle with guilt also. My Tim did not have any health problems. He just did not feel right for 2 days and then died of a heart attack in the night. My father in law made an off handed remark to our son "why didn't she make him go to the dr" so I know he thinks I am partially to blame.
I know I did nothing wrong but it still is in the back of my mind.
Hugs, Sandi

Joe, when my husband was killed in an accident at work his boss came to me and said "if he would have had his safety strap on (seat belt) or had his roll bar up (he was on an industrial mower and was hit by a car) he would still be here" I would not and could not accept that. It would have happened anyway. God says our days are numbered. It was his time, just as it was your girls time. Nobody could change that. We have to accept it and move forward.
God bless
Rachel

I was the one who had to make the decision to stop the heroics. His kidneys were shutting down, his lungs were filling up, his heart went into an irregular rhythm. They offered to shock him to see if his heart would beat normally but if it worked they said it probably wouldn't extend his life. How could I let him suffer more? How could I say stop let him be? It was the most awful moment of my life. Don rallied around enough to ask if he was going home. I had to be the one to tell him he was dying and may not last long enough to get home. He said with much conviction "I'll make it, take me home". That is what I did and he died less than an hour after returning home. Though I have worked as a Nurses Aid and I knew he was dying I still questioned my decision. I felt guilty that I made him go to the hospital in the first place. So many things replayed in my head especially the first year. I am at peace with these things now but it was so hard. I hope I never have to experience that again.

One-B...You very bravely honored Don's last request...and he knows it.
There is no guilt.

Oh yes, the guilt keeps returning and I wish I could stop reliving those last weeks. I was not able to do the things I should have done to help in my husband's care. I was recovering from some serious medical issues and so sorry I could not do for him what he did for me. Though the shock has worn off, I still have regrets over his last month. I totally understand what you are feeling. As more time passes, we find ways to give life meaning and hope the memory of those horrible moments fade. I look to my family and Grandson and my new pet I rescued. I am also volunteering -service to others helps. Hugs. Martha Jean

Joe,

Brother you can not place blame on yourself in the situation. You did not fail her I know it feels like it, trust me I understand first hand. I was a paramedic for too many years not to realize something was really going on when Meredith who never complained started complaining of pain. The doctor's that she saw could find nothing so why should I think anything else. Truth be told the signs were all there but I was doing my job of providing for my family and I dismissed it as what the doctor's had said it was in her mind.

When she went into the hospital I knew because I looked at everything in my head again and I just knew. It took a week for them to confirm she had Cancer but I knew already. I also knew at the same point that it was not going to be an easy fight, nothing felt right.

When she died back in January I blamed myself and no one else. It was no one else's job to watch and care for her. That was my job that was my vow and I failed it.

I had to realize that I am human and that as a human mistakes are made. Do I still partially blame myself well yeah but not to the extent I did two months ago, truthfully I am human and will probably partially blame myself until my own death. However I have forgiven myself for something I had no control over.

I hope this made sense, we as guys tend to try and find someone to blame and in the absence of a real target we blame ourselves.

Joe, the question is not what you could have done when you knew what happened in hindsight. It was what you could have done with the knowledge you had at the time. Think about it. If the doctors with years of medical training and medical equipment couldn't figure it out, what chance does an average, untrained person has?

If the tables were turned, would you tell your wife she had everything in her power? Would you have forgiven her? Would you want her to live in guilt for the rest of her life?

Ah hindsight is so clear. Ive had those moments of guilt - If only we had known. There are so many things we could have done differently. But I know that really there was nothing that could have changed things. And dwelling on the guilt just hurts me.

We have to learn to let go of it. They wouldn't want us to hold onto it.

Joe, you DID take care of your sweet love.
Drs do often dismiss women chest discomfort.
You did not neglect at all.
and, the truth is- not all heart problems are detectable at the time of exams.
My husband had an EKG the day before he died, in attempt to get small life insurance policy. it was clear.
the last thing we discussed that evening was his results.
next morning his dying breaths woke me up.
I think those over-sights in medical care kill US more than our spouses. the shock & regret we feel is like end of our world.
Joe, please try so very hard not to punish yourself with guilt that is not yours.
It is your grief & anguish. not failure.

Joe,

I can relate to exactly what you are saying. My wife suffered from seizures for 10 yrs before her passing. We had her in the hospital and at the Dr. more times than I can count. They continually told us that they were not actually seizures that she was having, but pseudo seizures (muscle spasms if you will).

Her death certificate reads that the cause of death was a fatal seizure - how can that be - they told us for yrs that they weren't real seizures, they were pseudo seizures.

I spent the first year very angry at the doctors for not treating the cause and recognizing them as actual seizures. I have come to accept that the anger was holding me back from healing, and moving forward.

You did not fail, you were there for her, and I am sure she appreciated everything you did for her, please try to accept that we can not solve every issue, and that sometimes things are out of our control. She would not want you to feel guilt or to blame your self - she loved you, and you were there for her, in every way you could be.

Joe,
As I watched my Morey laying on the hall and refusing to let me help him, I realized that something was really wrong with him. He was so stubborn and kept insisting that he could get up and I should leave him alone.

I got the phone and dialed 911, the paramedics came and he wouldn't let them help him either, until one of them said to him, "it is against the law for us to leave you laying on the floor", you have to let us help you," He knew they were going to take him to the hospital and he didn't want to go. He begged them to put him in his LaZy Boy recliner and they refused, saying; "I'd lose my job if I did that!" The young man knew exactly how to talk to him.

Once he was at the hospital they assessed him and put him on I.V. fluids and admitted him. He begged me to take him home......I knew he was very sick and needed to be on I.V. and bed rest. He NEVER walked again and it broke my heart to watch him. Every time I visited him, he would ask me to back the car up to the door of the hospital and he would slip into my car. It was NEVER to happen and he died within a few weeks. His heart stopped in the middle of the night and they could not revive him!

I live with the fact that I couldn't save him like he had done for me so many times during our marriage. He was ALWAYS my knight in shining armor and I couldn't help him, not even once!!!!

I understand and know where you're coming from and I wish you peace and hope that you can resolve your feelings of guilt in due time!

Roz