Greetings Jaime:

I am sorry to hear you too have those who do not understand when to be quiet and keep the unsolicited advise. I know most folks mean well. Except when you have Neanderthal men friends like I do. (HA HA ) I am totally done will all of the nonsense that folks say about the correct etiquette on grieving. AND you are dealing with being told how to parent. Goodness sake You gotta love em, aye!

Now about that hermit crab wish. I have been feeling like a HUGE Sea Turtle. Imagine this BEAR a Sea Turtle. Grief has done a number on my heart, mind and soul. I am sure I will not convert into a turtle any time soon. I do love water though. So do BEARSI am OK!

On to the Knight in Shining ArmorI know a thing or two about chivalry. My beloved wife was my beautiful lady, loyally by my side. You bet! I protected her against anything to anyone. I defended her honor! To my own detriment. I would protect her honor in a split second without blinking an eye. AND I did over the years!

I understand. AND I am deeply sorry you are going through challenging times without your Knight in Shining Armor defending his lady. I truly am!

((HUGS)))

Genuinely,
BEAR

Thought I would post this list again as there is a lot of new people who may be able to give this to some family and friends to help them through their grief.....

How You Can Help Me; a guide for family & friends.
By Lana Snyder Sellars
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

Please talk about him/her, even though he/she is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he/she never existed. I need to talk about him/her, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry."
You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out. Do not ask others as they truly do not know.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. And just because I may smile or laugh does notmean I am happy. It may just be that at that moment I may be hiding, trying to hang on.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may have only begun after ??????? death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his/her death, but also the person I was when I was with him/her, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will
never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget him/her and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his/her life and love into the rest of my life. He/she is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him/her with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that he/she is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.No one can replace him/her.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on; I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food to remind me to eat or send money to help with expenses.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his/her birthday, and the anniversary of his/her death, and be sure to mention his/her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them becausesomeone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone; to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.


Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Hugs...........

Shirley covered it all and perfectly.

People who have not suffered this loss CANNOT tell us how to. And truth is no matter what they say WE don't know what it IS that WE NEED for quite a while!

Be gentle with YOU right now as YOU are the ONLY one that matters right now. Because YOU are the one who raises those children, and YOU do it FOR HIM as well as for YOU now.

In the future you will want people to come around more often, and until then come here and VENT AWAY because we ALL understand.

HUGS to you and just keep getting up in the morning for now. That in itself in the early months is PROGRESS!!! Kiss those kids!

Diane