My husband died on Valentine’s Day in 2012 – 5 ½ years ago – and I discovered this site, that became my redemption.  Just coming here gave me a purpose. 

 I come back here and read your posts, every once in a while; and it reminds me of the depths to which sorrow can take a human being.  Did I say sorrow?  Not even close, huh?  Even now, I can’t think of any word – at least in the English language – that comes within miles to describe the feeling for the loss of one’s spouse.  Strange how we often spoke about our “better half”, in kidding.  Little did we know just how true that expression is; for, indeed, we have lost at least half of ourselves.  Oh no, it doesn’t actually show, except to those who have passed these halls.  In fact, we put on our “I’m okay” face when we leave our house but only those of the widowhood know the truth of the abyss in which we all helplessly are mired.

I want you all to know that the intensity of what you’re feeling now won’t last forever.  It won't necessarily “get better” but the pain lessens as you learn to accept that your loss is now a permanent part of you.  I’m having a tough week this week, missing my darling in extra doses, and tears to prove it.  But, I know that this will pass because he’s still with me and continues to be my guardian angel.

I’d like to pass on a posting that one of the members at DS shared with those of us here at the time (2013).  She expressed all of my thoughts as if she had read my mind:

Marti Jordan from Widow-Widowers Facebook page, 3-21-2013

Random thoughts: There was a recent post about not being stuck, & moving into a new chapter. That got my mind working, something profound in its own right! My thought as I read this...this is a new chapter. I have never been a widow before. This journey is a new chapter in my life. I am not stuck in the past, how can I be, Ron died. He is not part of this new chapter in my life, I am in this chapter alone. I don't feel stuck in my grief, I am simply doing what I need at my own pace to work through my loss, as I need to and in my own very personal way...and with the help of all of you. I am honoring the life I shared with him, by remembering and grieving over what we shared as a husband & wife, and what I lost. Grief, like our life, is a journey, not a destination...the next chapter whatever it may be will come, but only after this grief chapter. Each chapter & season in our life will always be different, not better or worse (although this chapter sucks big time)!!! And for me, will also happen naturally when my heart & soul is ready for a change, not when I want. I never fell in love with him because I wanted, my heart decided that one, and I will never fall out of love with him...he is permanently engraved in everything I do, as much as the air I breath. You can't force your heart to love, or force your heart to quit grieving. You can choose to start your life with another, or move to another house or another state...or even fake tears and anguish, after all that's why we have movies & drama queens...but you can't force an emotion that is real. True love, loss, deep grief is very real. Our life is built and moves in chapters, a baby, childhood, grade school, preteen, teen, graduation, college, love, marriage, children, careers, and on and on...slowly, steady and ever changing. I have no idea what my next season or new chapter looks like, and I don't want to know. But in the meantime I live with the beautiful knowledge that I was loved so completely, unconditionally, and unselfishly. And Ron's deep love for me, and I for him, along with all of life's lessons & knowledge that I have tucked in my heart will carry me into my new chapter, but at a pace that is right for me, naturally, one day at a time...I am in no hurry, I have no reason to be...right now I will grieve, remember, laugh, love, enjoy, and honor each day and each emotion as it unfolds...while I treasure my memories, and honor our life and love as I move through my loss, and continue the normal cycle of life....We all are born, and we all must die. There is no good time to lose someone we love, but it is a natural part of life...But most importantly for me, is that dash in between birth and death. Blessings and much love and respect to each of you on your journey, seasons and chapters of your life

((((( ♥ )))))

Wishing you all peace,

Terry