Jamie.... I'm so sorry..... Your hubby had your back, now you are like a sitting duck. At least thats the way I used to feel. I actually feel the same way. I'd like to give up and run away. But I know it doesn't matter where you are at. Will all be the same. What happened to meaningless chitter-chatter? Why do ppl put their nose where it doesn't belong? Just live and let live....Blessings be with you

Sandee

Jamie, We have changed. We are the only ones supporting our kids. If people have not been through this...they need to back off. Please do not worry about other people, Jamie. Eventually they leave us alone and move on to another victim.

Maggie

Vent all you want, Jamie. I read your profile and I too lost my husband from complications from triple bypass surgery on May 5, 2007. And, his birthday is May 1st. Why should your friends be judging you, I don't understand, or better yet, they don't understand. They don't understand what it is like to lose a husband, your best friend and love. Neither does my family or what I have left. And yes, it changes us, the whole experience changes us in a lot of ways. It's something that cannot be avoided. I too think about my hubby just about every day and now that his birthday is coming up and the anniversary of his passing, it's all the time. But, what I do every year is send up balloons with a note to him. One balloon from me and one from our dog, Lucky. It gives me a little peace inside that he knows I remember him and miss him. It is only a year Jamie and you are still grieving. It takes time, how much I don't know, to accept the fact he is gone. And yes, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Please, be good to yourself and don't worry about what other people think or say. Everyone will have to experience this type of loss. Maybe then they will understand what we go through. I pray that you find some comfort and peace. I am very sorry for your loss. Margie

I am also very sorry. If I hadn't lost my husband, I wouldn't know what you are talking about. But I did. And I do. And I was probably one of those stupid idiots before going trough it myself. I agree that you should leave them to their judging. Try to forgive them. They don't know. Just live and do what you need to do to take care of you.

Yeah, you've changed. So have I. Sadly neither of us wanted that change, did we? That's what I reply to people who tell me I've changed, "Yeah, too bad, isn't it."

Sometimes they look at me dumb, like a deer in the headlights. It's part of the fortunate fact that they don't have a clue of what having half of you gone, along with your plans and the life you lived and the plans you made is like. Now, it angers you, but in time you just chalk it off to NMP (not my problem).

Sorry people can't help or understand. Sharon

This is a changing event all round...I hear it all the time, and I just come right back at em. Don't hold your feelings back, just speak what your feeling. At least I find that is how I respond. If its anger, tears, crying, yelling, happy. I just let whatever I'm feeling happen in that
moment. Sometimes I'll get a look like, now what do I say.

{{{HUGS}}}

It is total ignorance! *sigh*

Many widowed go on to get a new address book b/c of it -

What is worse is when people ask or look at you questioningly like "why are you still grieving" Arrgh!

Instead of offering compassion, they actually expect you to answer their question(s) even though they can see you are suffering! Arrgh!

I refer to these people as children of a lesser God -
Because, I do believe, everyone has their own ideas of how their God wants people to behave -
To me, forgiveness is indifference -
The term itself makes the process easier for me to do -

It still amazes that a person can teach themself a great many things about living, but not about death which go together -
Specifically, the social ettiquttes to prevent harming a person obviously in distress -
Believe me, the internet has plenty of resources for them to learn what should not be personally asked -

The best medicine is to focus on healing yourself -

As Maggie (michaelbm) said: "Eventually they leave us alone and move onto another victim" -

*Be kind, loving & forgiving of yourself everyday of your life*

{{{HUGS & BLESSINGS}}}

Since there is such ignorance of what it's like to lose your spouse, I've decided that in our society people need to be educated a bit. By us. I no longer hold back. I say what is a truthful answer to their question. No, I'm NOT all right. My world just ended (or ended 3 yrs ago). I'm dealing with it but my happiness is not complete without the most important person in my life. I'll never not miss him. It will never be all right with me that he is gone. We can say it gently but firmly. Nothing will change in our society, about death, until the people are educated. Hospice has done a great job on opening up the topic of death to conversation. We must push on and keep talking about these issues so close to our hearts. Sweeping thoughts and feelings under the rug doesn't do any of us any good. My opinion.

i learned quickly people that have compassion and those that don't. sometimes the compassionate ones say something (wrong) --- even though they don't understand they at least seem to try ... i don't understand my "new" life - how could they ?
others that don't, i have no time for ...

Wow!!! It certainly does get chilly, doesn't it? I just had another friend, one of 43 yrs. blow me off when I asked him, not for financial advice or his opinion, but where to find a resource or a reference...an online calculator tool. He's a numbers guy, like my husband, and has his $$ arranged in similar ways.

In the past 12 wks., my husband had a cerebral hemorrage, I had to use his AD, he died, I found out DH totally rearranged the $$ leaving an obscene amount to his kids (drug addicts who've already burned thru it), had no address for the youngest, only found him on FB to let him know, thought for a week that I'd been left zero, found out my Mom has vascular dementia, evicted a psycho-tenant-from-hell who cost waaaay more in damages than he ever paid that I will have to fix while I have no energy....

And my "friend" isn't really able to answer my question because his step Mom is home from the hospital???? He's too busy?? I haven't exactly been wearing him out; talked to him 2 times since mid-Feb. A simple "can't help you just now, but if you bear with me..I'll try and find something.??" His answer was nothing like that...just a brush off "you'll figure it out."

Countless "friends" have fallen away. Yeah, I'll be starting my address book all over again, too. Cold in here, you know?? Fighting bitterness.

I had to go to funeral home last night. A lot of my husbands colleages were there, only one spoke to me, then seemed so uncomfortable speaking with me. he worked with them for 20 years. Then I go to remembering, not one single person from there showed up at his funeral.... Not one...He actually thought these people were his best friends.

HUGS first I am sorry this has to happen but ignorance seems to be there - and this sight has had several posts on this subject.

I am truly being a B&^%$ now after many things ignorant things from people of trying to educate those who think they are saying what they feel should be.

Of course you change remember you were a couple who were as one. You did not do many things without him or her, without their input, advice, companionship bla bla and now there is just YOU alone. You have to reinvent who you are just like you do automatically when you get married. Only this time its not by your choice. So a hug again.

Our life changes when we lose our spouse. Only ignorance can make you think otherwise. But I try to let ignorant comments, people's stupid remarks go, from people that should understand more. Seems sometimes they are the ones that let you down the most, and it surprises me sometimes where the true support comes from.

I did run away 6 months after Scott passed. My youngest son was so withdrawn and depressed because everywhere and everything reminded him of his Dad that I decided we would go somewhere we'd never been - no reminders, no memories. We moved almost 2,000 miles away to the other side of the map. Guess what...the pain doesn't go away. The move was healthy for us. We were forced to get up and "do" since everything was new and unfamiliar, but after a year, we moved back home (our same home). I think my son improved 100%, but it proved to me that we can not run from this reality even when it seems like it can't be real.

Interesting about moving away. I know we all think about it, but it will follow us wherever we go. It would be nice to go where noone knows my story and has that look when they see me. I may move one day closer to my kids, but they don't know yet where they will be so I'll stay in the home I love for now.