Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello all. I've been really big on taking big chances all in the name of love. After all, love conquers all, or so I believed. So at about 15 months into my grief, I met a woman and fell head over heals in love at first site. The next day, I proposed. We saw each other for 2 weekends and were married 2 weeks after we met. Since my first wife of 30 years died, I learned to put everything into context by asking the simple question, "What's the worst that could happen? Oh, that's right, it already did. She died." As for my new wife, between our first meeting and our next weekend together, I had some major warnings and gut checks, plus a whole lot of good advice from friends here at w/w to slow way down. Well, I've never been one to listen. After all, as I already said, I truly believed love conquers all. I was so in love. Well, they say there are 3 sides to every story. Your side, the other person's side, and the truth. I realize now that you'd have to be crazy or crazy in love to do what I did. And it takes 2 to tango. Up until a marathon trip to California a week ago, we'd only been together on weekends and things began to unravel only one out of our 3 days together our first 5 weeks. Then the California trip pretty much was our nail in the coffin. If you really want to get to know someone, spend 16 hours driving time non-stop each way. Sure wish we'd taken that trip before we'd gotten married. Being told to get out of the car and fly myself home got my attention. Didn't know a person could yell that much. Well, so much for the honeymoon. Ahhh, but we patched it up, she actually partially moved in with me and started her new job on Wednesday. Wednesday night we did pretty good. Thursday night the tension was so thick you could feel it. And last night, well, an explosion occured. It ended with her packing up all her things but I convinced her to stay until morning and maybe things would look better for us. Wrong again. So today, on our whopping 4 week anniversary (6 weeks since we met), she informed me that I owed her a settlement for "misrepresenting" what I would do (put her name on the deed to the house, pay off one of her credit cards -- not real sure of the other things. Whose to blame in it all is really irrelevant. We became like oil and water. Seems everything each of us did bothered the other. Me, I like peace and so I would withdraw. She's the opposite. Anyway, she left about 9 hours ago at noon today. I've got the porch light on for her. But don't expect to see her. Please pray for her. I never saw a person get so angry so fast. Me, I'm just numb. I'm just sitting here contemplating it all, and it feels remotely similar to the death of my first wife, just without the possibility of never seeing each other again. Way less intense, not nearly so painful. But I'm sad. I thought I was doing so good. Apparently, I can really piss off at least one person on this earth. Too bad I had to chose her to be my wife. So much for my, "What's the worst that can happen" theory. Please be careful folks. Even on the mend, our emotions are still raw and for some of us, well, I myself have never made such a bad judgment call. Ever. But dang it, it was so nice to be in love again. Even if it only lasted 6 weeks. Sorry if I was overzealous and encouraged anyone here to move too fast. And for some of us, that one year rule is hogwash when it comes to another relationship. Sorry folks. Sometimes there just isn't a fairy tale ending. Despite our best intentions. God bless and comfort us all ~~~ Scottie
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Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...
I'm am sorry, you have to go through this turmoil. I and many others are here for you, never think you are alone.
I agree, love comes in many guises..... You are in my thoughts..........love, Sandra
Now for the harsh perspective of a third party who used to be a divorce attorney. So far you have gotten off easy. Cut the strings and let it go, it appears she had very different motives than you. All of my alarm bells went off when you started talking deeds and money. Whatever you do, do not change the title to your home and do not pay off pre-existing debts. Really? Really? Really? No. You could end off far, far financially worse off as well as emotionally. I do not want to see you destitute and losing your life savings and home. Unfortunately it happens to people all the time. Slow that train way down, buddy, it is moving way too fast. Is she paying off your debts? Seems like she is after money rather than love in the cold hard light of day. I hope I am wrong, but....just be very, very careful at this juncture my friend. I would turn that porch light off. If I have offended I apologize, this is not my business, and you will do as you want, as you should. If it were me, I would say peace out.
Hugs,
Val
First, I simply love how you write from the heart. I am so sorry that you have suffered this bitter and unexpected disappointment; but, as I write this, I know that you will bounce back and consider this another lesson in life. We sure are never too old to learn!! (And I speak for myself as well). Please know that we all love you here and wish you strength in the days to come. And, I'm with Val, "turn that porch light off." I have you in my prayers. Roxanne
The lady you married is obviously not the answer to this longing. Keep walking away from her, Scottie and don't look back!! When the time is right, your heart will find the right person for you.
Hugs
Anna(lifegoeson)
About decorating, color is important so take a step back and study over. DIY and HGTV have good websites that can give you excellent ideas.
Best wishes Scottie, we all love you here so hang in there and let us be your support through this.
I understand the strong need and desire to be loved. I understand how very deep the loss(es) go. I also understand love at first sight - I fell like a ton of bricks the very first time I laid eyes on Cliff, before he even spoke a word. But I also believe some things need time to be sure. The lady in question either has more issues than Vogue or was looking for a sugar daddy - either way, you need to extricate yourself before it gets any worse. And I am 100% with Val on this one - no deeds, no paying off debts - NADA! - until you talk to counsel. You got that?
I didn't know what was going on until after you announced you'd married. You know how I am - your inbox would have had some unasked for advice waiting for you from me if I had known. I am sorry I didn't know until after the fact, so didn't help you. Once you had gone through it, I didn't feel like it was going to help to voice my huge concerns.
It must have been a real eyeopener that the road trip showed how badly matched you were. If you find yourself faltering and thinking about taking her back, just remember that road trip and ask yourself how the two of you would tackle a REAL crisis together. Yeah, not well.... You should be fighting the world shoulder-to-shoulder and side-by-side -- not each other. It is not meant to be.
As for color schemes, you could go very Southwest - sand/stone, chocolate, touches of coral and turquoise. My bathroom is done with inky/denim dark blue and burnt orange, vinyl is cream and dark blue. Masculine (cause I live with 3 guys) but some color so it's not depressing.
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
Dianne
You are in my prayers my friend. You and I are about the same age so I feel ya. It is so easy to let our emotions control us into jumping into something we aren't ready for. But you know God let you find this out sooner than later. Who knows what He just saved you from.
Be at peace my friend, Tim