Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Yesterday was 8 weeks since my Charlie died. Until this past week, I really think I thought somehow I could get him back. I even said to God, if you just turn back time about 4 months maybe I can change something for Charlie. I know God could do it and I would never tell anyone what had happened. Well that's just an instance of all the crazy things going through my mind.
Now, I'm beginning to realize that he is really gone. Is this supposed to be progress? If so, it's failing. There's nothing I do that doesn't make me think how it would be doing it with him. There's nothing I want to do. I am so alone and no one else can fill that loneliness. I feel so much worse than i did. I think I will have this sick feeling of dread in my stomach until I am able to join him.
Now, I'm beginning to realize that he is really gone. Is this supposed to be progress? If so, it's failing. There's nothing I do that doesn't make me think how it would be doing it with him. There's nothing I want to do. I am so alone and no one else can fill that loneliness. I feel so much worse than i did. I think I will have this sick feeling of dread in my stomach until I am able to join him.
There was a little more understanding here and there until that point, but at 5 months, it seemed that's when I finally declared..this is my reality :(
......Sending a heartfelt I am so sorry you are having to suffer this great loss.....the road is hard...one step once breath at a time.....
hugs and wishes for peace and comfort....
I have a web camera that I check in on that shows the gulf of mexico in Florida. Often, I will go to the site to check out the beach. We had been to the area last year for vacation and really liked it there.
When I go to that web camera, I hope that I will see him standing there with a colorful shirt, nice tan, an umbrella drink in hand and a sign that says "Having a great time. Wish you were here." But, my head knows that is not going to happen.
I too, play over and over in my head, "if I would have done this, if I would have said that, If I would have just noticed this...." then maybe he would still be here.
I think we just have to take it a moment at a time and it will be better. I also try to remember that he is always with me, here in my broken heart.
However down on earth my mortality has a difficult time dealing with the fact that the precious woman who I was happily married to is no longer going to be in my earthly life. I do not like this whatsoever!
The bargaining stage of grief plays minds games with me also. I have bargained with the " If this would have happened then this would not be like this now. " AND then the " Maybe if I would have did this or that and or If she could have been treated sooner for this illness then she would be here right now. "
I still turn to talk with her every day when I am getting ice cubes in the kitchen. I expect to see her at the sink just after she has come around the corner in the hallway. I expect to smell her wonderful scents at night during her bathing time that was Our Time. I fully expect to find her in her desk chair or on the favorite seat of the couch she loved so much. I expect to hear her voice when I call out to her. I expect and do not receive her back in my life.
Then the When we were together memories flood my mind when I least expect them. I still crash land when they forcefully come. Just a few hours ago I had to look through some of the boxes my beloved wife so neatly packed and stored in our bedroom closet we shared. I was flattened with the first box I opened. I found so many things she saved from the over years.
Point in fact, I found a Mother's Day balloon that she saved, which I bought for her along with flowers, one year. I found so many memories in old photos. I crashed landed again and found myself in the bathroom at the sink sobbing uncontrollably. I do not like anything I have been forced to deal with this tragedy of my beloved wife unexpectedly and suddenly passing on.
I know my beloved wife is safely in Heaven and one day we will see one another again when I leave this mortal body and go to Heaven. However until then this earthly reality has been grossly altered beyond the point of being embraced.
What she and I shared when we were together in our marriage, that we both cherished dearly, has been forever changed. Without my consent. I miss my gurl beyond words!!
Genuinely,
BEAR
They say that time helps us heal, it has not done so for me. I am now at nine months and i feel worse than at the beginning. Reality really smacks us hard. Like you i have had much difficulty getting anything done, why bother when the love of your life is no longer here to share in your accomplishments?
So basically what you are going through is normal. All we can do is try to endure through the pain. What helps me is the knowledge that there is a God and that we are promised eternal life, this is not the end. I will be with Berna again and you will be with your Charlie. Until then we must have faith and deal with the fate given us. Depression is a very real factor for those like us, i am on some anti-depression meds and they seem to take the edge off a bit. Don't hesitate to get this type of help if you need it, we are in enough pain. I did not feel the full magnitude of my loss until well after four months. That may not be the case for everyone, but it seems to be somewhat common amongst the people i have talked to. We understand what you are going through, so please vent here all you need to. You'll find that only people that are going through this tragedy truly "get it". Hang in there and know you are among friends who really care.
God Bless, Sal
Julie
Even though I feel like pure sh*t at times now...it is getting easier than that horrible negotiation phase :((( that has got to be the worst....
I am so sorry you had to join this club...like me....but it really helps to be here and to read only the posts that are going to help pull you, push you, comfort you forward...there are tough days but the mental stuff will even out a bit if you cling to hope and things that tap into the feelings of the love that you shared while he was here on earth xoxoxo