I feel so lost today. I just want to curl up into a ball and hide and cry. But I cant. I have to be at work. My grandma passed away on Saturday. This week I have to travel to her funeral. I will stand and do the reading for her because I love her. But I dont know how I will be able to do it. Im sure Ill find the strength somewhere. Ill also be seeing my grandpa. Who just said goodbye to his wife of 58 years! I know so much better than anyone what he must be feeling. I dont know how to do anything but cry. Maybe we can cry together a bit. But not for long cause I have less than two days before I have to get home.

I thought that I would be ok. I thought that because of losing Rob and being so broken already that I would be ok. But Im not. This still hurts. I know I will go there and she wont be there. And it will all be real. At least the grief feels familiar. Comfortable. Im used to misery at this point. And I will be with family who is all much more broken over this than I am. That will help.

I will get home Friday night. Then I get one day. Then its the 6 month anniversary of losing Rob. The 17th of each month marks the last day I saw him. The last time I said I love you. The last kiss. The last snuggle. Oh god. It hurts so much. This is all just too much.

I tried today to find a grief support group in my town. Again. There is still nothing. We are a biggish town. How can there be no groups!? I tried looking at counsellors but its just lists and lists of names and I dont know who to start with. Who would be right. The wrong counsellor could set me back so far. I had some really bad ones with hospice and it hurt me so much. I have so much trouble trusting. I put myself out there and they didnt even try to help me.

I am so tired of putting myself out there and not getting help. Of being ignored. Im trying so hard to be ok for people and it just isnt good enough. I told a friend this weekend that my grandma died and he ignored the message. I saw him see it on facebook and he didnt reply. He messaged me something random about himself an hour later. But no condolences. No hug. Nothing. In fact half the time that I message him he ignores me. And then I ask about it and he brushes it off like its nothing. Well it fucking hurts to be so lonely and desperate for human contact and then when you reach out you get ignored! (Just to clarify is it rude to ignore someones messages? I have been left feeling that I am being over sensitive. But I think its rude and hurtful. Am I wrong?)

Ahhhh. That felt good to get out. Now back to crying at my desk while I try to work. Stupid cancer! Stupid death! Stupid people!