I lost my husband on June 12th due to blunt force trauma/Fall (what was on his death certificate).  It was very traumatic for myself and my two kids (who just turned 18). 

A little background:  my husband had been dealing with alcoholism the past year and half.   I really think it started earlier than that and had been battling it for some time but the past few years it started taking a toll on his body and he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the Liver among other medical issues.  He was in and out of the hospital 8x as well.  He would stop drinking and then start drinking again which would land him back into the hospital due to his cirrhosis.  At first he said he didn't have a problem and could stop but of course that didn't happen.  I tried everything to help him, .... there was so much stuff that my kids and I went through over the past 1.5 years but I loved him so much!  We would have been celebrating our 20th anniversary next month.  He was a kind, loving and gentle soul.  I feel that he lost his way somewhere and just couldn't get his life together.  Over the past years he became someone else, which in turn, caused stress amongst the rest of the family.  This year I got to the point that I wanted to leave him because I just couldn't take the stress anymore ... He was not the man I fell in love with, but I kept hoping that something would change. 

I'm sorry if this isn't making any sense, I guess I have so much going on in my head right now .... my emotions are all over the place!  I'm so MAD at him for doing this .... to continue to drink and not go back to the hospital for help.  He said he didn't want to go back because when he detoxed it was really bad for him and he couldn't do it anymore (that's where I feel he gave up ) .... I'm ANGRY at myself for telling him that I wanted to leave him because of what he had become.    I know that I did everything that I could to get him help.      I feel like I didn't have closure with him .... I feel like my last words or emotions to him was cold.  I was trying to push him away because I didn't want to see him die (we figured he'd die of his Cirrhosis). 

We think he fell while no one was home.  My son and I came home to find him on the floor, blue and grey.   I started CPR and my son called 9-1-1.   They were able to get a heartbeat and pulse but later at the hospital we were told that he had severe brain bleeds and also that he had lack of oxygen to the brain for some time.  He wasn't declared brain dead but they said the trauma was extensive and that there wasn't anything they could do.  My husband always said he didn't want to be hooked up to life support so our kids and I decided to take him off life support.   We were with him when he passed and we did get to say our goodbyes.  I'm sure he didn't hear us but I know that it helped us all to say what we needed to say.  The kids were very resentful to him over the past year and I didn't blame them for how they felt.  Now, after his death, I think they are beginning to forgive him and try to remember their dad as he was before all this happened. 

Again, sorry if this all doesn't make sense but I just needed to get this out :)   Thank you!