Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Only 6 weeks since my husband has passed but I really miss him today. I think I finally realized he is not coming home ( in my head he has been on business trip). But he is really gone and he left me to deal with this all by myself. I feel the pressure of the decisions I have to make for my family and I don’t know if I am making a mistake or not.
I know all the books say you shouldn’t make any big moves the first year but I have to for my family’s sake. I am planning on moving back to the east coast by the end of the year. The idea of having to sell my house and buy another one is blowing my mind. I had to get a lawyer involved to get the title in my name and the expenses are mounting. I have to hire a handyman to fix things up in the house, all the things my husband would promise he would do. My friend told me I should start putting together a list of what I need done. I tried doing that but got quickly overwhelmed. I wished he was here to help me or guide me. I love my kids but they can only help out so much as they are teenagers.
I find myself sitting at my desk at work and getting teary eyed because I know I will have to go home and be alone. My kids don’t want to hang with their mom. I don’t really think they know how much pain I am or how lonely I am. Sometimes I sit at home and think about calling someone but I think the friends who take my calls are tired about hearing about my sorrow and the rest well they just faded away. Even when I try to talk about my husband, his death always comes up and it brings everyone down. It is hard to believe just what a big part he was in every aspect of my life, more then I could have imagined.
I to think the doctors made a mistake,I even went so far as to write a letter to the hospital. Well you
can imagine that did no good. The reply was a bunch of bid medical words and I had to let it go.There is nothing else you can do. I hate being so lonely. I miss him so much and just is so hard to believe he is gone. I wish you the best with your move. I know it is tough. Stay well and God bless.
Have you checked your employee benefits?? Cliff was covered under the dependent life insurance I had bought to cover my kids - it wasn't a lot, but it helped and it covered the funeral and burial expenses. Also, my office had an Employee Assistance Program which included counseling. I was able to get my grief counseling through it for free, as well as counseling for one of my sons. My younger son was in school, and we were able to get his counseling for free via the school psychologist and guidance counselor.
As to your kids, they are probably hiding their grief from you. My sons did that, and it wasn't helpful for them or me. Your kids can see you are suffering and probably don't want to add to it. It is also frightening to children to not only lose one of their strong carers but also watch the other one fall apart. I found that for us it was important for us to grieve together. My kids needed to know it was all right to cry and miss their Dad. They also needed to know that even if I was falling apart in some ways that I was keeping my s**t together for them in other ways.
If your kids are teenagers and still in school, you may be eligible for Social Security benefits for them which would help you financially. It is likely they are entitled to survivor benefits. Here is a link to information on the Social Security site:
https://www.ssa.gov/planners/survivors/ifyou4.html
My younger son was still in school, so he qualified for survivor benefits even though I didn't (I was only 50 and still working). That might be what you need to hang on for a bit. You can call Social Security, and they are usually surprisingly helpful. I would urge you to do that. It might take some of the pressure off you.
If your husband was a veteran, there are benefits available to spouses and dependents:
https://www.va.gov/opa/persona/dependent_survivor.asp
That might help as well.
Hope this helps.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
And don't forget you are entitled to a one-time lump sum of $255 regardless of the kids' benefits or other benefits you may be entiled to.
If any of the children were diagnosed with a disability before he died, there are Social Security benefits available as disabled survivors. My younger son's autism diagnosis was prior to his Dad's death, so he continues to receive benefits as a disabled survivor.
I do hope they are able to help you and that it takes some of pressure off. I was the main breadwinner throughout our marriage, so my son's benefits being based on Cliff's earnings aren't a whole lot, but they sure helped. I hope it goes well for you.
Hang in there....
Love and Hugs,
Martha