There is a discussion about survivor's guilt. His death was not in your hands. Death is an unfortunate fact of life. It would be perfect if we all lived a long long life and died together and no one would have to grieve our loss but that doesn't often happen. Dear Marie, you have anguished long over Dom's death. He would want you to have peace and find joy in your children and grandchildren and even in your own life again. It cannot be full of guilt because you didn't die. Would you want this for him? I think not. There are probably a lot of years ahead for you. I pray that you find your peace and some happiness soon. It goes by quickly.
Bless you,
Linda

I'm so sorry for your loss! Grieving is different for everyone. At first, the only thing that would help me was keeping really busy and sleeping. Now, my faith and knowing that Mike would not want me to be sad all the time helps, although sometimes I still get really sad. When this happens I allow myself to let it out, even if it's for an entire day. Give yourself permission to feel this way. Also, maybe face-to-face grief counseling would help. Depression may occur during this time too, so don't be afraid to get outside help if you need it. Hang in there!

aww Marie - I'm so sorry that you are feeling that you cannot laugh.

Hon - you didn't cause what happened to Dom - you are here to live your life as it is today.

I do think we meet up with the ones we truly loved on this earth - later on. You will have time with him on another level some day.

You are here for a reason - and I don't think we're supposed to live in pain while we remain on this earth. Your kids and grandkids need you to be present in their lives.

Marie, I felt the same as you did and still at almost 5 months, I have those moments. And that is ok. But you have to find some joy somewhere. I know it's hard, and like everyone else tells you, your husband would not want you to feel sad ALL of the times and have NO joy and happiness. You are not responsible for your husbands death. It was only a week ago that I took on that survivors guilt and I had to let it go. It was killing me on the inside just like I think it is you. You have got to let go of it. If you can't PLEASE get some help! Your kids need you and so does your grandaughters. None of this is fair and it does suck, but we all have to live until it's time for us to go home.
I too pray that you have peace and happiness soon.
Hugs
Julie

Hey, it's O.K. to laugh; good even! My husband was a great joker; always some crack or another; not mean, just funny. I know he wants me to laugh and enjoy life; I think if I did not laugh, he would say, "Hey, you didn't die, I did!"

marie,
i am with everyone else, that life is meant to be lived.our spouses are at peace, i am lost as to why we then feel it is our jobs not to be at peace. we will all live with sadness in our hearts, but there is more then enough room to have happiness as well. your husband wants you happy, your children want you happy, we are all here to help you. but i agree that some one on one counseling might be extremely helpful to get you on the road to some peace in your heart and your life.
wishing you strength!
judi

Marie, I am so sorry to hear your suffering so. It is so hard to think of living without our loves. I feel worse when I get tired so try to get the proper sleep. If you could allow yourself to laugh when it comes to you then it would be just a bit easier to take the next crest of the wave of pain hits. Our loss will never go away but we may be able to find some peace with it. Your daughter and grandchild know your purpose. Reach out and ask them, you may just need to hear someone loves you. I find that is one of the hardest things in this loss is not hearing I love you. These are sad and difficult days but we need to live each one at a time. You're not alone. Hug, Donna

I am so sorry, I know the lost feeling. I have been trying to process life without my Lil Bear. Every time I smile or make a joke I feel guilty and stop myself.

A few things from folks here have helped me to start and put it in perspective. The quote from Koontz ended with the ache is always there, but one day, not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.

In the beginning I wanted to just go join her but I know I still have to be here for our sons, though they are grown they still need to have a dad. Then I heard an old country song where he is singing to departed wife about heaven:

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

I still have chores

Finally I thought of my dear wife, she was caring and nurturing but she had little tolerance for not moving on. I know she would be saying OK, get on with it! Like always I will ignore her for awhile then realize she was right, and in my own time I will get on with it. I still have a long way to go though.

I hope you can find comfort and perhaps a little joy some day. Hugs.

I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. Just remember, like you said, your husband would want you to be happy. It's going to be challenging to achieve that happiness, but it is possible. I think we just have to let it flow naturally. Don't feel guilty about smiling. It's something your husband would want. Just think to yourself, if it were reversed, what would I want for my husband? Then let happiness come.

how sad we all have to endure this journey of grief.
my loving husband ,danny died on june 7th of this yr.
i can feel your pain,i also am at a loss as to what i'm feeling.
i see no purpose in my furture,the sunshine in my life is no longer with me.the joy i felt with this wonderful man is now filled with clouds.
i wish i could wave a magic wand & the pain we are feeling
would be replaced with joy.
i know in my heart danny would want me to be happy but i just can't
get passed the loss i feel.
sending you hugs

Marie, I was surprised when I hit the one year mark and started to have days that were every bit as sad or worse than that first year. At 20 months I still have my bad days, and I am learning that we should not expect too much of ourselves, which sounds like what you are doing. It's ok to laugh, and it's ok to cry; there is no time limit on grief. It takes as long as it takes, and you will eventually start to feel better. Give yourself time, and know that you are not alone; we understand. Hugs, laurabp

I understand what your feeling. So many people tell me I need to move on get joy back in my life. But when our hearts are so full of pain it is not easy done. Can't just go into the kitchen and whip up a batch. Or run out to Wally world and buy it.
Think it just takes a long time this grief.
3 months into it myself and just taking day at a time. Think it is so hard caused we each loved that way. With all our hearts and souls. It's not like breaking up with someone. We did not chose any of this journey.
Cie

Marie,

So sorry for your loss. At 13 months, I too was having this type of reaction. After the yr mark, I thought the 'worst' would be over.....NOT. Are you going to a counselor? A grief group? Reading books on grief of a spouse? ALL of that helped me. It is a long hard road through the tunnel of grief. I do see light at the end now, though. You will too, but, you do have to work on wading through the grief. Prayers and Hugs, Joely

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like your life is over now. It is such a gut wrenching pain...grieving the loss of the one that our entire world revolved around. At 13 months, you have just gotten over the 1 year mark and it is such a depressing time to realize that the pain doesn't just magically go away after a whole year. 13 months is a hard transition time. I think Marjoe said it best.... year two...this still sucks!

The thing that worries me is that your self talk is that you will never live again. I understanding you feeling that way and that is normal, but somewhere along the line we all have to make the choice to live...(as hard as it is...and I know it is gut wrenching and so hard), or to wilt away and die. I hope that you someday realize that you too are somebody and you too have value. If you mattered to him, you need to look within yourself for what he saw in you. You still have that within you. You still have the same heart. He is in your heart. Your heart still beats.

If you find that you are not only grieving, but are after a very long time still not feeling like living, you may also be suffering from clinical depression. If you are, it is a medical condition that adds to grieving.

I want to send you a million virtual hugs and the hope that you find that spark within you that keeps you holding on.

-Diana

Marie, honey, I've been watching you since you joined DS and my heart breaks for you. It doesn't seem that your burden of grief has gotten one bit easier or that your life has gotten one bit less sad in all this time. I'm glad you're able to come here and feel the support of everybody. I hope so very much that things will start to get better for you. You can love and miss him forever without turning your back on the rest of your own life, and I wish that for you some day soon.

Hugs, Gail