Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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fuchsiasky 05/21/2016

We had a party for Rob. It was to be a celebration. Joyous. But it didn't happen like that.

I'm processing the night I'm not ok. I am fucking angry. There was a guy who wanted a funeral. a best friend of rob. The day after rob died he started asking about a funeral. He wanted to do a little slide show. I said he just fing died! He has been bullying me into it for 7 months. It was really important to him so I said yes. I regret that so much. He did a 20 minute slideshow set to sad music. And that was after I said no sad. It was gonna be worse. So after a lovely evening of joy and laughter he put on this thing and made everyone watch. He stood there and brow beat me into watching. Cause he did it for me you see. Oh f the guilt. I kept leaving to cry. And he brow beat me into retutning. Then he forced a copy of it on me. It ended the night. Left everyone bawling. Make my daughter cry and leave. Turned it into a sorrow filled fing funeral! Rob would be so pissed. And cause everyone broke we called the night early and didn't watch the movie we were going to. He wrecked the night. He took what I needed away from me. I got no moment of Rob joy. I got hosting a party and coping with a funeral that no one wanted. I wanna punch the Jerk. He told me that he would make me cry and didn't care. I don't need to cry at photos. They may be a big deal to him but I have every single photo. It was my life I'm trying to recover from. How dare he!?

lifeisunreal 05/21/2016

I truly feel for your experience with the :" friend " of your
husband.

I am totally convinced in recent years the word " friend "
to describe acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers, etc.,
is being abused an widely overused. Friends don't do
that to friends or the wife of a deceased friend.

Clearly, he was satisfying his own needs ( whatever they
were ) at your expense. Hopefully, that will be the last
you see of him.

I sincerely hope you can recover from the damage.

Blessings -

Darrell

Veronica77 05/21/2016

I am so sorry. He is a very self absorbed person who wanted to be the center of attention at your expense. Maybe have another celebration on the anniversary with the people who really care about you and your family. ((Hugs))

Nicker07 05/21/2016

Here is what we did - very close few friends (3-4) and close family we drove to a gorgeous view with balloons that we wrote on and let them go. Than had a very nice picnic we told stories funny happy memories as my husband's brother did a slide show too and 99.9 % of those there did not know any of the stuff he presented as his brother was from CO, where they grew up.

It made it special in the way he would have wanted....you can erase that bad decision Just a suggestion and good luck

onebrokenheart 05/21/2016

I agree with Darrell, he is no friend. You often hear on DS about having to rewrite our address book. Well, I suggest you leave this guy out of it. The best friend of my husband just had to tell me some things that I would like to have never known. I have not kept contact with him and feel just fine about it. ~~Cheryl

tim57 05/21/2016

Even if half of what you posted took place. There is no easy diplomatic way to say this. Cut this insensitive irresponsible idiot loose. Don't even interact with him again. If I had someone trying to do that to me, I'm normally not a violet man, but he may have to be toted away.
No one should tolerate this crap while trying to do their best and get thru a day.
Dump this mess and do what you have to for you.
Please take care of you and your kids.
Peace, Tim

Sara59 05/21/2016

I'm sorry this happened to you, but not surprised. There is no end to the dumb stuff some people insist on putting on at a funeral

That guy got you at a vulnerable time and wore you down. Don't blame yourself, he was rotten to do that.
You were Rob's wife, friends have no right horning in on your plans for your husband!

FaithNLove64 05/22/2016

I am sorry! Some people are born without a sensitivity chip.

Don't waste your time with this "friend" anymore. If he bothers you- send him a copy of your post here- and the responses. After being made painfully aware of what he has done, I suspect he'll leave you alone.

There are clods everywhere. Sometimes I even become one- though, thank goodness, I don't think my inappropriateness has ever reached this level.

Hugs,
Robyne

bpatton 05/22/2016

I am so very sorry. What a selfish man. You will find that some people will need to be cut loose. He is first.

fuchsiasky 05/22/2016

I hate walking away from people. I don't like cutting them out of my life. But in this case I am done. I just can't handle him. His disrespect of what I want and need are beyond belief. He's the same guy who tells me 3-5 times in a row that I should call him if I need anything. But what if I don't want to? Well he just says it again. It's as if my opinion has no value. So I'm done. I'm not going to unfriend him or tell him off. That would just hurt him and it wouldn't take away my hurt. Rob wouldn't want me to do that to one if his oldest friends. But I don't plan to ever speak to him again if I can help it.

fuchsiasky 05/22/2016

Fing hell! Guess who just showed up unannounced! And I couldn't be so heartless as to tell him to go away. I can't break someone. But that short visit was sheer agony.

katie2016 05/22/2016

I am sorry for your experience. Given that he just visited, it seems obviously he clueless as to impact his actions had. There are people in this world that only see things one way - their way - and cannot possibly imagine that what they want or what works for them is not what is needed by other people (my father is sort of like that, although he has been wonderful through this whole ordeal, so I give him huge credit for that).

All these other relationships that we have to navigate certainly add to the load we have to shovel through in this journey.

I hope that you are able to edit the end of the celebration out of your memory's video and can take comfort in the memory of the joy and laughter that happened prior to.

Peace and love,
Kate

HCARD 05/22/2016

Why worry so much about taking care of him? Wouldn't your husband want you to take care of yourself first? You need hugs, not crap.

onebrokenheart 05/23/2016

Fuchsiasky, Rob would not want any additional pain heaped upon you regardless of who they are or what they had meant to him. Next time this person shows up unannounced at your door refuse to let him in and just tell him you are busy and feel really uncomfortable with him coming unannounced. Tell him it is feeling very inappropriate. You might consider calling him and telling him his continued presence is not comforting and that you want him to allow you to grieve in your own way at your own pace and then assure him that if you are in need you will call but until then to please respect your privacy. Then I would never call him. He sounds really creepy. Take care of you, Rob would want you to put yourself first.

fuchsiasky 05/23/2016

This guy is ex military. Has ptsd and lots of issues. Because of this he just dosn't hear things he doesnt understand. Rob was always his person. Kept him on this earth. I worry that if I tell him off it will hurt him bad. What if it starts a funk that kills him? This shouldn't be my responsibility!

I'm going to talk to BIL. Maybe he can help.

eighty8 05/23/2016

I tend to agree with Cheryl...handle him with kid-gloves, but take care of you first...you are grieving your husband, and personally I see no way, shape, or form that you inherited the full-time care of someone who has issues that are rightfully the responsibility of the VA...you have enough heartbreak and sorrow in your life to have all that forced upon you...I believe Rob wouldn't want that for you, either.
But...in light of his PTSD...double-check your locks before you go to bed at night...watch your back, and primarily take care of you..

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