Dear Steve,

Last week marked six months that you have been gone.

Six months.  Two seasons.  Half a year.  26 weeks.  182 days.  4,368 hours.  262,080 minutes.

No matter how you count it, it still doesn't seem like it's been that long.  And yet it feels like it's been forever.

Last week was Valentine's Day.  I remember being in the grocery store and seeing red hearts and flowers everywhere.  Why does grief feel so much like fear?  They are two different emotions, and yet they often feel the same.

When we were falling in love, back in the 1980's, there was that moment when I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.  If I had thought of it, I would have realized the you spending the rest of your life with me was statistically more likely.  But what young woman falling in love thinks like that?

None, I hope.  It was the furthest thing from my mind.

We were going to be together forever.

Lately, I feel as if I have reached some sort of turning point.  Perhaps there is something to be said about anticipatory grief.  We knew your diagnosis was terminal for 16 months before you passed.  When you died, it was not a surprise.  What was a surprise was how much of a deep shock your death actually was.

But yes, the turning point.  I have reached a point where I feel that the best way that I can honor you and your life is to live my life to the fullest.  We were both sick at the same time.  I've always felt like you hung on as long as you could to make sure I was recovered before you left.  The least I can do is try to take care of myself and enjoy.........................yes, enjoy....................this precious thing called life.

I also feel it is time for me to stop crying.  I can almost here you saying "I'm gone, get over it!", because that is probably something you would say.  I believe in eternal life.  I believe you are somewhere, even if I can't see you.  And wherever you are, you either need to rest in peace or you have work to do, and you can't do either one if you are bound to this Earth.  Knowing you, my grief would be upsetting to you and I don't want to keep you from whatever it is you have to do now.

I will always hold you in my heart, of course, but I want to move away from this grief that has been like a heavy dark cloud for so, so long...............long before you actually died.  I believe that you will always watch over me and our sons but as time goes by, we both need to give each other some distance until that time we can be reunited again.

Love forever and ever and ever.

Sylvia