I made a horrible realization not so long ago about myself. I have a room mate, my ex husband from 30 some years ago. We are both in our mid 50s, and only want companionship. I have treated him with contempt and anger, and he had kept himself tied up in his own world. That only made me angrier. He had bad relationships during 30 plus years ago, I had basically one good one. His perceived selfishness drove me nuts, and I grew angrier and angrier until I seemed to not care how disrespectfully I treated him.

During this time I've some break through seizure problems, and grew aggressive as well. I never laid a hand on him, but spoken words are just as bad. One day he realized I hadn't had pain meds for 1 1/2 days. We couldn't get to the pharmacy. He started realizing a pattern to these outburst. I also started to realize that I was just plain angry that he wasn't my Bob. When he talked to me about it, a light just ignited in my head. He remembered when we were married, and the seizure disorder was first diagnosed. He was watching out for me, and would help me to cope in the future. That is what Bob did also. I knew then that he was an okay person. I recognized my own anger. It was like a huge weight was lifted.

Only, it doesn't stop the dreams. They are so sad. I am always trying to find Bob. I try old numbers, but can never reach him. He is always just out of reach. A few nights ago, it was as if I were young, and my family was all alive and together. We were moving to my Granddad's lake cottage which is my favorite place in the world. Granddad died the first year of my marriage to Vince, my roommate. It felt so wonderful to be there again. My sisters, brother and I were all arguing on who got what bedroom. Plumbing was being repaired, and Mom was readying the kitchen. Still, I was trying to reach Bob. I looked up every number in my little phone book, and even some my Mother had. I couldn't reach him. Then it was as if I almost connected. In the dream, I thought he had left me, but I didn't do anything wrong. I asked why, and even though there were no words, I felt a peace - just a small peace. Then I couldn't reach him anymore.

I am accepting that no one is Bob. I am looking at Vince with new respect, and that little bit of peace is settling in slowly. The dream was so bittersweet. The feeling of almost connecting, then the distance between us there again. Really, ten years from now, I will still feel the same loss. I will have just finally found that safe place to deal with it. There are no easy remedies to this. We just go on, and our spouses don't.