Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 03/19/2011

There are so many levels of giving up when your husband/wife dies. First, the body has to be given up. Then the clothes. Then the personal effects, everything in the bathroom. Then his business, educational papers. Then old family pictures to returrn to the family. Yesterday I cleaned out the little shed. I came across squash seeds in a glass jar that he had gotten from his family in Virginia and had planned to plant. Tools that had rusted, cardboard boxes of hardware that had busted open, spilling nails, etc. all over the floor. Found some shells he had saved from the beach. His garden tiller will have to go because I won't use it.

Today, my precious son came and took away the travel trailer that we loved to go in so much. I had to empty it of our clothing, Bibles, toothbrushes, books we were reading, his change he had left on the dining table. We lived in the camper for 3 weeks while he was very very ill and our house was being remodeled. After we moved back into the house, I just walked out of the trailer, leaving it just as we had it the day we left to return to thehouse. Joe was so sick, I had no thought of going out and cleaning it up. I was spending every minute with Joe.

I have been doing pretty well (I guess), but when I saw the trailer being pulled out of the drive, it was like a huge hunk of my happy life was being ripped out of me. Now the spot sits empty, sad. It was under an RV shelter. I started crying and have been for hours. Why this has such an impact on me, I don't know. It was our little home and nothing but love and happiness happened in that camper.

I am SO SICK of giving up, having part of me ripped out everytime I have to relinquish something else that was "us". When will this be over? What will I be when everything that was him and us is GONE??? I am SO SICK of grieving. I feel like I'm back at month #1 again. My son was astounded at my tears and was so sorrowful for me and hugged me over and over as we talked.

I guess I just wanted to vent. I'm hurting so much tonight. Thanks for listening.

deleted_user 03/21/2011

I am at 7 months as of yesterday. I had to let our RV go and that was so sad. We had hoped to do more traveling but that will never be. When he first past, I immediately got rid of all things medical. I did not want to be reminded of all he went through. I did give two of his winter jackets to a drive at a local church. His shorts and tees that were left in the camper and just last week the bathroom parafanalia. His clothes still hang in the closet and sit in his dresser, his shoes are lined up in the closet and I still have all his tools,papers and keepsakes. It gives me comfort to see his clothes in the closet. I am trying to get on with my life, I hate the lonliness, but there is only so much I am willing to let go of as of now. Hopefully in time I can give the clothes to the needy. I know some pack them up and place in the cellar or somewhere, but I believe it is better to give to Salvation Army or someplace to help others. Blessings Phyl

deleted_user 03/21/2011

I understand the RV situation. We had a small tongue type that we used when Sherm first started his chemo journey. He called it " The Chemo Wagon ". When he died I bought a fifth wheel for me to use. Could not walk in the old one.....the memories. Gave it to my older son and family; they can make good memories with it. It has been 8 months and I am just now getting myself prepared to look at the tools and stuff. At least my memories will be here with me.

deleted_user 03/22/2011

I can so relate to what you are going through. Mike has only been gone a month, but since I can't afford to live alone on my salary for long, I'm forced to go through and sell alot of the material things that we both worked so hard to have. I know they are just "things" and I will always have my memories, but it hurts nontheless. Jeanie

Mrs340 03/22/2011

I too, have felt exactly the way you have felt. I decided to consolidate vehicles (2 trucks, 1 car) down to just one for me. I gave it a lot of thought and determined it was the best thing for me to do. But when his truck drove down the road, I just lost it. I stood in the middle of my driveway and cried like a baby! I cried when my brother bought his utility trailer. A utility trailer for pete's sake! But it was HIS utility trailer and it was yet another piece of my wonderful husband leaving! My heart was ripped out of me when I sold his motorcycle!! Yes....these are just "things" -- but each one is another piece of him leavining my life! Just one more realization that he's gone. Hugs to all -- Ruth

deleted_user 03/22/2011

From what I have read here and in books, this journey does not stop. It takes dips and dives, and rotten turns, but because we have loved someone so much that their passing breaks out hearts. I am proud of you for giving the trailer to your son, even though it was very hard. My husband came from a large family, and even though it pained me, this weekend at a family party I asked his baby sister if there was anything of his that she might want. She looked so relieved, she said she had been thinking about it, and wanted a picture I had taken of the two of them when we were dating. I love that picture, but know she is the right one to have it. This was after I had said her husband could have his tractor and power tools. It is the right thing to do, doesn't make it easy. Keep moving forward thats all we can do. I am selling my house, and know this is what he would want, but it is hard even though we had planned to sell and move to a condo, had been talking about it and looking, it feels odd to follow through with out him. I love coming to this blog and reading other peoples thoughts and struggles it makes me less alone.

deleted_user 03/22/2011

So sorry for your pain.

deleted_user 03/23/2011

That sounds so painful, and I would have also been crying just like you did. Wow! So many wonderful memories in the trailer.

I haven't begun to clean out or move Bob's clothes, shoes, slippers, etc. I know I will someday, but I just don't feel ready.

I do know I will have to decide which house to sell. That will be so painful to have to do that on my own. Bob and I planned on selling our CA home and moving to AZ full-time. We've been in the CA home 31 years. How will I ever be able to part from that home??/
I can't begin to imagine!!
I am sorry for the ongoing losses we all seem to experience.
May you feel God's peace.
Hugs, LInda

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