Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 03/19/2011

There are so many levels of giving up when your husband/wife dies. First, the body has to be given up. Then the clothes. Then the personal effects, everything in the bathroom. Then his business, educational papers. Then old family pictures to returrn to the family. Yesterday I cleaned out the little shed. I came across squash seeds in a glass jar that he had gotten from his family in Virginia and had planned to plant. Tools that had rusted, cardboard boxes of hardware that had busted open, spilling nails, etc. all over the floor. Found some shells he had saved from the beach. His garden tiller will have to go because I won't use it.

Today, my precious son came and took away the travel trailer that we loved to go in so much. I had to empty it of our clothing, Bibles, toothbrushes, books we were reading, his change he had left on the dining table. We lived in the camper for 3 weeks while he was very very ill and our house was being remodeled. After we moved back into the house, I just walked out of the trailer, leaving it just as we had it the day we left to return to thehouse. Joe was so sick, I had no thought of going out and cleaning it up. I was spending every minute with Joe.

I have been doing pretty well (I guess), but when I saw the trailer being pulled out of the drive, it was like a huge hunk of my happy life was being ripped out of me. Now the spot sits empty, sad. It was under an RV shelter. I started crying and have been for hours. Why this has such an impact on me, I don't know. It was our little home and nothing but love and happiness happened in that camper.

I am SO SICK of giving up, having part of me ripped out everytime I have to relinquish something else that was "us". When will this be over? What will I be when everything that was him and us is GONE??? I am SO SICK of grieving. I feel like I'm back at month #1 again. My son was astounded at my tears and was so sorrowful for me and hugged me over and over as we talked.

I guess I just wanted to vent. I'm hurting so much tonight. Thanks for listening.

edithbathgate 03/19/2011

You are suffering so much because of what you said... "Nothing but love and happinness in that litle trailer." I know that pain well, having given away my husband's truck to my stepson and my car, which my husband picked out for, to my stepdaughter. I feel in gining to them I am passing something that was ours to them, love and happiness included. I know I'll never be able to pass anything of James' without feeling thhat part ripped out of me again. I even want to keep receipts from stores if they have his signature on them! And you spent som much of your lives in that trailer just living life and being happy.
I am sending you love and caring tonight, New Roads. I look forward to the day when we'll see our darlings again.

Parmela 03/19/2011

I'm so sorry for your pain.

I moved in December and recently sold our home. I have NO regrets, but when I cleaned out the last of our belongings and shut the door for the last time, I was hit by an overwhelming flood of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. And I think that's normal. There are things in our live that are very symbolic of the life we lived with our spouses that are now forever gone.

Each time we have to let go of one of these things, it feels like we are severing another connection with the person we loved. ....and for me, I feel like I'm taking a step farther away from him.

What I have to tell myself is that the "thing" I'm letting go of is not important. The memories I have that are associated with that object will forever be mine and nobody can take them away. That's what's really important.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. God bless.

deleted_user 03/19/2011

I am so sorry for your pain! This journey is the toughest I have ever been on. Thank God for the memories. Nobody can take them away.

lovelos 03/19/2011

I am so sorry. I wish I could take the pain we are feeling away. You are so right it never stops, constant reminders on what we have lost everyday. I am thinking of you and praying for some peace in our lives.
Lu Ann

deleted_user 03/19/2011

I know just how you are feeling about that trailer. When Dan was sick, we lived 1/2 of our time in our RV in Houston, TX where he received treatments for a year and a half. We spent 10 days there and 10 days at home and closer to the end spent nearly all of our days in that trailer with just a few visits home. I called it our "pseudo home", but it came to be so much more - the place where it was just he and I, our private world. My brother in law drove it home from Houston and it sat under the carport for months before I got up the nerve to empty our stuff. It was so painful...It sits out there empty now and I will never be able to go on a trip without remembering all those cherished days where he and I would bide our time between doctor visits and treatments.
I can feel your pain in every word you write....

deleted_user 03/19/2011

So sorry for your pain. Today I was having a pretty produtive day (cleaning) very rare for me, I can't muster the energy on most days. I picked up an envelope with his writing on it and just lost it. Needless to say I didn't get anything esle done. except a lot of crying. When will this stop, I pray for all of us to find some peace God Bless

deleted_user 03/20/2011

I am so sorry... I feel your pain. First I had to let the truck go, then the camper, his pool table, his tools, guns and on and on and then I moved. Every time something left the pain was so intense except the house I have been happier out of the house than I was in it alone. I wish you did not have to go through this i wish none of us here had to. Hugs!!!

deleted_user 03/20/2011

I am so sorry for your heartache too...I have given a lot of things to our son...so it has been painful to watch items that my husband used on a daily basis leave our home. I still call it "our home"...it would be another loss to my soul to call it anything else. God bless you...Debbie

deleted_user 03/20/2011

oh i have been going through the exact same thing...im so sorry...it will be two years in may..and i still have a lot of things still the same. I have slowly begun to go through things, which is so incredibly hard...clothes, yes medicine cabinet, soap, deodorant, yes everything....each thing is so special, and meaningful, as our lives were totally happy, blessed and loved...its like as i go through things, and let them go, it just reinforces in me the fact that now i am alone, and that my wonderful honey really isnt comming back. and that hurts so badly...i hate it. I too have something very very special that we shared, something that we did and gave us great joy...i have it for sale, and it was his pride and joy....i know when the day comes that it is sold, it will just crush me so much...as second to family and love, this was his pride......i dont think i want to get rid of everything...a lot of things are still comforting and until i am ready to let them all go, which may be never...i just keep them...maybe move them, but keep them.. please dont rush in getting rid of things...take your time, and it is really ok to keep things too...as your loved one will always be a wonderful part of your life...bless you...

Lininsocal 03/20/2011

The last thing I sold was my husband's Harley. The man who bought it I liked, he was so happy to have found one for sale. When he threw his leg over, positioned himself and rode away I cried for hours. The only thing left is this house. As necessary as reducing our lives of their things is, it is also painful. Each thing represents just one more part of them that leaves our lives.
I hope you feel better soon...
Linda

deleted_user 03/20/2011

I am tired of giving up things too, so very sick and tired of it. I am tired of grieving and wish I could will myself to stop. I doesn't work that way though. I am well into year two and in some ways this year is worse than last year. When I do cry the pain is just as bad. I think that this year the finality has really hit home. Everything that had attachment to our loved ones is our last connection to them. It is going to hurt to part with those things just as bad as it hurt to part with them. It is like losing them again and again and again. Sometimes I think that maybe if I just hurried up with the things that I know I have to part with it would just hurt all at once like ripping a band aide off but then again I am so worried that it would leave me feeling even more empty than I already feel so I leave it because when I do get rid of everything there is no getting the things back. Hugs.

Nicker07 03/20/2011

I learned fast when letting go of things (his sons forced it), I took photos of things I wanted for memories to put in a scrapbook.
And later found that was ok, because less clutter, less physical stuff to deal with but good memories to see.
I will be letting go of our camper, the big hitch & bumper pull large horse trailer. I am hoping to find a smaller horse trailer but a fifth wheel w/smaller camper in front of the horse trailer. I can not put all the old stuff together - too heavy alone. A fifth wheeler is easier to handle & haul with. I plan on still riding until I can no longer.

prtlycloudy 03/20/2011

I feel your sorrow too. It is so hard to do all of this. At almost 2 yrs,I am still trying to make myself let go of things. It is more like an awful chore that has to be done eventually, and I keep putting it off. Alot has been removed, but there is still more. Empty boxes are all around me, only by preparation for it all!
My kids have taken some, but they don't want it all! Especially since they live miles and miles away.
So sorry for your loss and the special camper. Take care.

deleted_user 03/20/2011

I know the feelings that you are going through. Everytime I go through something my heart breaks. I still have his voice on my answering machine. Can not erase it yet. I call it just to hear his voice. He left me a tape recording which I listened to but it is so sad because it says how he is feeling in treatment and how he wanted me to know how much he loved me. It was good to hear it but I do not think I can listen to it again for a long time. It just breaks my heart hearing in his voice how sick he was getting. So I just call the house phone to hear his cheery voice. It does take people back when they call and hear his voice I just tell them to hang up after 4 rings if they do not want to hear it. I love hearing it.
Linnie

NewRoadsForMe 03/20/2011

Thanks, guys, for all your supportive messages. When I feel like I have a knife in my back and no one is around to remove it, I post on here and bunches of you guys rush to my aid. You don't know how your messages lifted me up from yesterday. I stayed home, didn't go to church today, just stayed alone to calm down. Thanks for helping me through a very bad experience yesterday! You all are truly friends like no others.

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