Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Sick, hurt, angry

NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
Today was my Joe's birthday, January 9. Family and friends always celebrated even if just a "Happy birthday, Joe" at work or a phone call. Today, no one called or came by. Not even my daughter or son. I have been lying in bed sick with constant coughing such that my chest hurts and my ears are plugged up. I have been crying all evening. He died one year ago. Now, no one seems to think of him. I could understand maybe 20 years down the road after somebody dies, but after only one year? Tonight I sent a FB message to my daughter telling her that I was expecting to hear from her today and it hurt my feelings. She called me immediately and made all kinds of excuses. We ended up screaming at each other. I feel like my life is a mess. I really wish God would take me home now because it seems no one gives a damn anymore. Except my church friends and this group. I am so depressed now. I know you all care what I have been through and that is why I am here. You are the only support I have here on earth,except my sister who lives hundreds of miles away and has the same problems of people not caring. But she is not a widow. We have a good relationship most of the time but can't get together for lunch because we live in different cities. I'm a mess tonight.. Please pray for me. Thank you. I want so much to die, but not by my own hand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Happy belated birthday to Joe. It is really so hard to come to terms with the world going on around you while you feel so alone and then abandoned by others. I know they don't mean to negate your feelings but they do and we are left with starkness of how solitary and isolating this journey is. Kids just don't think sometimes until they are reminded. Reach out to your chuch group if they have been there you know who cares. Sorry you are sick on top of it all, hard enough to deal with these emotional lows when you are well but when you are sick it's that much harder. Others forgetting seems like a betrayal of sorts, I get so overprotective of Rob, did in life and now in death, these slights make me angry too. I think it's understandable, atleast for all of us walking trhe walk. Hug, Donna
Nicker07
Nicker07
Well since your were so sick you could not get a birthday celebration together right? So do a belated birthday celebration in his honor, or A remembrance of love celebration than email, write, phone friends and all if they can come great, even for tea, pop and snacks, birthday cake or celebration cake

Those who can not come - tell them at such and such time to send off prayers, wishes, hugs to heaven in his memory.

Why wait for next yr. Hasn't anyone posted poned their bd celebration at one time because they were are work etc. until weekend etc????
NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
Thanks, everyone, for your warm and caring comments. I will try to start again, one day at a time. You all are so kind. Hugs to you all!
Kathleen
deleted_user
deleted_user
My dear Buddy's birthday is this Friday Jan. 14...and I will celebrate it with just myself and that is ok...I don't expect other's to call me but I also have know problem reminding my family or other's that his birthday or our anniversay is coming. I think if we don't remind them as someone else posted here they may just be trying to not hurt you...everyone deals with death of a loved one differently...some speak of the dead very little...with me it's just the oppisite...yesterday my daughter and her husband and my brother all came to dinner and I had a slide show of pictures going on my wide screen tv that went back to 2002...everyone loved it...I think instead of waiting for others to come to us we need to embrace them...
deleted_user
deleted_user
For my husbands 1st birthday in Heaven my daughters took me on a trip that week' of. They thought after 4 months it would be good for me. In a mini van with my 2 daughters and 4 of my grandchildren need I say more :) Ended with an anxiety attack. So the 2nd birthday we went out for cake it was nice to remember him that way! Now we let it pass quietly! I think they just do not want to cause us more pain and they do what they think would be right. It will get easier...hugs!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I too have had most relatives and most of our friends were his friends and their wives avoid me. We have two daughters. My youngest girl is 40 and she has been the only person in the family to be intouch with me every day. She works full time lives in another city but she calls and I appreciate it very much. Another is my brother and his wife, mainly my sister-in-law. They lost their daughter at age 39. I am also sick, I have many autoimmune diseases and my husband was my caregiver. I live alone and it is very lonely. I agree, that this world has changed a great deal. I am in my 60's and I remember times when people did for others, were not so materialistic, helped our neighbours, respected the elderly, that has gone in todays world. My oldest girl does not want to come around. She was daddy's girl and she would be here today if it was me gone and her dad alive. I know where I stand now with people, I would rather know what to expect than hope that things will change. I can make it on my own no matter what. I live my life one day at a time and my health and well being is at the top of my list. I want to feel some peace and joy in my life and this will not happen if i let people drag me down.
Mgould
Mgould
I know exactly how you feel and I agree with Pattianne24 - I don't think people are the same as they used to be - neighbors/friends - just seemed to do more for others than now. But I will say that when my father died 17 years ago I didn't call my mother on his birthday. It occurred to me that it was his birthday - but I didn't call her. This year no one really mentioned that it was my husband's birthday - except my mother. Sometimes people don't understand what we would like or need or how it is - which is why we all come here.

After my husband died a few weeks later was xmas. Over xmas break my daughter (16 yrs) slept over a friends for 5 nights out of the 2 weeks. Months later I mentioned how upset I was that she left and she yelled at me and said - "did it ever occur to you that every time I walk in the house I'm reminded that dad's not here - and sometimes it's too hard and I want to get away?" No - it hadn't really occurred to me. People deal with things differently.