It's because our emotions are so raw that even when people mean well we are hurt. No one who hasn't gone through this horrible pain can have any idea what we live with. To me it's best when they just say things like what Don used to say to do or say they miss him, too. I've just tried to tell myself, that they mean well and I'm glad they are trying to be nice, even if what they say doesn't help. Sharon

I loved hearing my husband's name. It was the affirmation I needed at the time. It said to me loud and clear, HE LIVED!!!!!!! HE LIVED!!!!! Instead of conversations that ignored the subject, I took the initiative and brought up his name and activities we shared with friends. I had to do this carefully so I didn't freak my friends out. After all, I was their worst nightmare. They saw their future in my circumstance. That approach seemed to take the edge off the senseless comments they thought would keep me from crying, etc.

I can't fault them for not knowing how to handle the situation. After all, I was in that same boat beforehand. Until we go through something like a death of our spouse, there is no way to know the total chaos that is experienced all at once.

I sincerely hope that you will find friends and co-workers who will walk with you through the tears, depression, glimmers of hope, and finally the peace that will eventually be part of your everyday experience.

It isn't you they're treating like you're made of glass. They are projecting their own fears onto you. As pathoflife said, you're their worst nightmare. Pathoflife's advice is good, too. This is your opportunity to help others think intelligently about their own mortality, that of their loved ones and the impermanence of life -- thus preparing them to face what we all must eventually face.

In this society we are always sweeping all of that reality under the rug and pretending it's not there. You can show them that death is part of life, and can be faced frankly.

--Bob

Hi, I am at the 10 month mark and have been through all the stupid "helpful" comments too. I have also been totally ignored when asked how I am and I say I lost my husband X months ago. People have just pretended they did not hear me and quickly moved on to other topics of conversation. I started bringing up my husband's name and things he did or said, prefacing it with the words "my late husband".... and that has worked well. I do not let people act as if he never existed. I think we need to set the pace of the conversation ourselves, and that will take some practice. You probably don't need to respond to every single comment but can change the subject and re-direct the conversation yourself. At least that has worked for me at times, and it puts you back in control, not feeling victimized by the rude comments. laurabp

Thanks for bringing up this topic Michelle. I believe this is one of the most difficult issues we all face and adds to the extreme pain, anguish and frustration that we must endure in getting thru each day. And, we all know how unbearable it can be, right? Well I am at 3 months and one thing I can say is try to be around as many positive people as you can. Keep negative energy-type people very far from you; they do not understand us and never will until something like this happens to them. I keep my conversations short with these negative-energy people and it seems to help. This way they can maybe get a clue without us blowing a gasket on them. They speak to us with fear and insecuities from within their own self-centered world, even though they are "trying to help". Positive-energy people will reach out to you - let them in and spend a lot of time with them. They will speak FONDLY of your loved one and that will comfort you and them as well. It becomes a very comforting & cleansing experience. Yesterday, I was all alone and one of Pattie's best friends came by to visit me. We talked for hours about our "great loss". She talked about so many wonderful times she had with her and it made both of us smile and even chuckle a little bit. She has lost her father recently and one of her best friends (my wife), so "SHE GETS IT!!!". It really made my week. These are the people we NEED at this time. The others may come around at some future time, but they will only aggrivate our frustrations now during this time of great grief. ...My prayers go out to all of you.

Such good advice from fine people is here. I work in a school where most all staff are positive and inspiring helpful types, so I don't many silly or inane comments or questions. Most people just don't know how to speak to you when you are suffering spousal bereavement. It's only those who have suffered themselves who truly understand. If they can't handle me or start asking stuff which is meaningless I focus it back on them and ask how they are and how their family is or what there plans for Christmas will involve. I think the comment about people being uncomfortable with our position because they too may see a glimpse of mortality, maybe true, but how can your tell this? Sharon hit the nail, the rawness of our heart makes us hypersensitive at this time. We all need God's grace in our suffering. John

It is like this at the beginning and with time they will all disappear (not literally). you will no longer get asked any type of questions or no one will be concerned. Trust me it goes away.
The truth is that people do not know how to deal with death or how to handle a person that has. I think i would probably do the same because that is what we are accustomed to saying. We live in a stereotypical world and conform to the norm. Can't blame a person for trying.

Michelle - as everyone has said so well, we are very sensitive to any comment. Yes, some are inane, or just plain stupid. But I also remember a clasp of the hand from someone I barely knew - many hugs, no words spoken. And I swear some have radar - took one look at me, and gave a simple comment of support. I remember one of my contractor customers, very gruff, big guy. When I was ringing him up, he said to me, "feeling a little crispy around the edges?" I remember that comment to this day - I had to smile, because it expressed how I was feeling so well. Try to let the inane comments roll off of you, and embrace the "human angels" that are so unexpected. They're out there! Hugs, Marsha

In times of grief, I have learned to just stay to myself or develop a support network that is conducive to my beliefs. Someone or someones that will help me to get better. If there isn't others then you can come here to DS for support! We know and will not patronize others with these comments! Sometime no way through it but to go through it!

I can say that "we", the outsiders, simply just don't know what to say. What is the proper etiquette? I'm dating someone who recently lost his wife, and although I'd love to talk to him about her, I also find it difficult to ask him about her. What does one say? What are the right words? What is taboo? Where are my boundaries?

We did talk a bit about her one night no long ago, and he did say that it helps him to do so. But although I'm open to it, and interested in hearing more, it's hard to find the right words to open that conversation again.

So although to you we seem insensitive and clueless, it is simply us trying to find the right words and fumbling them up with every one we utter.

I know I have been hypersensitive to the comments people make. Sometimes they anger me until I remember all the times I have not known how to repsond to other widows aside from "I'm sorry".
I have to remind myself that life as I knew it has ended but not so other people's & I can't expect them all to be mindreaders.

The most comforting things I think I could hear from someone would be: "I miss him too. & Not sure how to help but I care".
With indifference/avoidance being my least favorite response to date. At least the commenters are acknowledging that he is gone. The people who say nothing bother me the most but I am slowly learning to forgive them too. I think I am becoming a more understanding person through all of this but it has taken me quite awhile to calm down & look outside of myself in order to feel what others are feeling. Hang on..The anger & frustration does soften over time.

Hugs, Cyndi

Glad you are feeling better and able to look at things from a different vantage point--not an easy thing to do under the circumstances. Sounds like you're moving forward. Good for you. Some good days, some bad, but moving forward. Give yourself a high-five! You deserve it.