Greetings Julie:

In reply to your question: Does it do any good to try to make others understand? It hasnt for myself.

My family are loving and supportive. Yet, unaware of how grieving the loss of my beloved wife truly feels for me. I understand, they have not had to witness their spouse suddenly and unexpectedly pass on, and deal with every other detail that is required in the aftermath.

So, for myself, I have stopped trying to help them understand my perspective. I only got more of the It is time to move on. Date Widows, theyll understand. Dont waste the rest of your life, your handsome, and have lots to offer . monologue. AND on and on. That is counterproductive for me, at this point in my life.

I concluded, some things are best understood only when experienced. This has been my personal experience. Yet, never would I want anyone to ever have to deal with processing grief as this. I support you to do what you know to be right for you, and in your heart of hearts. AND sets well in your soul

Genuinely,
BEAR

If you come here daily and read the post you know that we really cannot make people understand.
I find it easier to talk with my family and friends to a certain extent, and then look for real understanding here at DS.
I know they mean all the best for us when they tell us that stuff about getting on with our lives so I smile and agree.
Time is truly the only healer because from where you are now it doesn't seem possible, but continue to take support from us here, you will smile again.

I think there are always two reasons to try - (1) to help them understand and (2) to express what needs to be expressed from yourself - i.e., we need to talk about how we are doing.

I have 5 siblings. I received different reactions from each of them. Only one of them truly grieved for Cliff as a brother because she had had a separate working relationship. He had been a little brother to her. She was the only one that I was able to, through many conversations, help understand what I was going through and what I was or was not ready to do. It gave her a clearer perspective so that she knew how best to help me. It was important to her to understand how to help me.

The other 4 siblings I had varying luck with. But I think it was beneficial for me to try to get them all to understand. In some ways, dealing with them was practice for dealing with the rest of the world.

I am sorry you feel you have nothing to live for. I can assure you that you do, but I know you must come to that conclusion yourself. It is very easy to fall into that dark hole of despair and think it will always be so terrible. It takes time and effort, but it does get easier and more manageable.

Talk with your brother and his wife. Be honest and be clear. Keep it simple and straightforward. Do not be afraid or hesitant to tell them that you miss your husband and are actively grieving, and that it will take time. A deep love must be deeply grieved. I get the sense that your brother cares very much for you and your well-being. He is probably like my sister and will want to understand so that he will have an idea of what he can do to help. That's a real blessing!

In the meantime, please consider contacting your doctor for help. I found that counseling was a big help for me, it might help you, too. Some here have found that receiving an anti-depressant medication for a short time also helps. I didn't go the medication route, but there is nothiong wrong with getting a little help when you've been through a catastrophe - and losing your spouse is definitely a catastrophe. Just a thought...

Hope this helps. Love and Hugs, Martha

Some people will never understand until it happens to them. My biggest help was my Dad as he lost my mother 30 years ago and he and I would just talk about Jim. i have had people say to me i should be over it and i am much better at 3 years. i will never be the same person i was when Jim was here. I have suffered a great deal and learned who understands and who doesn't. All my friends have changed and the one who is closest is another widow. She gets it. I thought too at the beginning I had nothing to live for. But I do i have two very wonderful grand children and two daughters and my dogs all who depend on me in some way. My life is not the same but i go on because I know that is what Jim would have wanted for me. .I am trying to make him proud. Big hugs to you,Chris

It is worth a try but mabey you should be prepared to deal with it if they just don't get it. I never had a clue until it happened to me.
jeff

You are not alone. I have a son and a daughter, both married and with children. My son and his wife and their son have given me so much support, help occasionally when I couldn't get the lawn mower started, etc. My daughter and family, on the other hand, have shown me NO different treatment than when my husband was alive. No invitations to anywhere, no cook outs, no phone calls (except when they needed something from me). I even told her I really needed more of her time and attention now that I am alone. She just looked at me like, why? Currently, she and I are not talking, while my son checks in with me by texting, every day. They grew up in the same family. Go figure!

Ten weeks? Ten weeks! This is raw, this is fresh, this is painful........
no one who has not experienced a loss of a spouse can even BEGIN to understand. At this point, you are still reeling my friend!

You are lucky to have loving, supportive family and they mean well. Just smile and tell them you are taking it one day at a time, and believe me that IS what you are doing and all that we can ever do.
Share your innermost feelings with a close friend, or a professional or here where you have kindred spirits. Get help if you continue to feel you have nothing to live for.
Peace and light to you.
Glors

My gut feeling has usually led me in the right direction.............think it is very difficult for those not having gone through this loss to understand.....while friends and relatives may be well meaning...........they just don't get it............hugs .Lori

Julie,

Alot of people contacted me early on and tried to tell me, "you gotta do this" "you gotta do that"...."you will feel better"
LOTS AND LOTS OF DIFFERENT THINGS.......
I know where you are right now is soooo fragile.....I had to tell people who loved me...to "please just listen" when I talked or cried....and to "please STOP" when they made well meaning but inappropriate suggestions....and I would repeat it...."please stop" and just go so easy with your self....
If you want to lay down, lay down...if you want to isolate, isolate...(sometimes this is the best way to feel the full feelings..which we will need to feel to heal.....
Go easy and don't worry, we are ALL HERE for you to help you process this time......keep writing what you feel......
Thank God for the help of your brother, but you can gently remind him how much support he has been for you already and that he is a great brother and that you will survive this, you just need to be treated very gently right now, with kid gloves.......you are very fragile...he doesn't watn to see you hurt, but it is part of the process unfortunately..........
Hang in there ...there are no quick fixes...sometimes we just need to be heard, that 'we hurt' and we cannot be RUSHED to get better or fixed fast...we can gently say this so that we can spend better time with them.....:) xooxoxo