Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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She had to die to make me a better person

MJ46
MJ46
Since the death of my wife I have been working on some of my negative personality traits and behaviors that she used to point out to me. Things like holding on to anger, having to prove that I was right even when it didn't matter and so on. Basically she said I was an ahole. I used to ignore this stuff as just part of our bickering and complaining about each other after 45 years of marriage. I now realize that most of what she said was correct,but the message was just lost because of the way it was delivered.

I am in a new relationship and am trying not to repeat the past, but I feel guilty that I did not make these changes for my wife while she was alive. I am treating my new girlfriend better than I treated my wife and it's because she had to die before I listened to what she was trying to tell me. I really hurts to make that realization.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your pain is real, but I hope you can see this in its proper perspective so as not to hold on to guilt. Keep in mind that when our wives point out our flaws, it is not solely for their benefit but out of love for us to improve. Managing our less than savoury mental traits is a lifelong process, and it is only helpful and constructive that we continue seeking our own improvement, on whatever timeline that may be. That you may be treating your new girlfriend better is a strong indication that you are learning and changing for the good. And although your late wife cannot prosper by these changes, perhaps it is not too farfetched to believe that she would approve of the fact that you are finally taking action to be a much better person, and that this is what she might have wanted for you.
doyew
doyew
Don't feel guilty -- it won't help you. Be glad that from now on you can benefit by making positive changes and bringing joy and happiness into your life, where previously you couldn't admit this. Some people never learn from past mistakes because they don't believe they made any. I saw a little sign in a shop: "I'd admit my flaws if I had any" -- and let's face it, none of us like to do this. Sending positive thoughts and best wishes for your new relationship.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
The personal relationship with your wife has become a spiritual relationship where she celebrates your achievements in this world and is happy to see you blossom into all you can be.
That is my belief I share with you. Sharon
lori001
lori001
I think what you are feeling is pretty normal, and not uncommon. I am a new widow, today marks the 5 month anniversary of my husband's death, but I have those same feelings. Regrets about how I reacted in certain situations, and trying to take the lessons learned to make me a better person now. I am not in a new relationship, and at this point do not desire one, but I know that if I am in another relationship down the road, that relationship will benefit from the lessons I learned during my wonderful 21 year marriage to Larry.
russ1153
russ1153
I think it's all part taking your partner for granted and the longer you were married the more likely it's true. I also look back now and see what I could have done better and plan to do better if I ever start a new relationship. I think this is probably very normal.
Russ
deauxgirl
deauxgirl
I completely understand, from where you are coming from. I think when we marry, we grow together, we become comfortable and do take each other for granted. I think all long time couples have this in their marriage. There are things in my marriage, that I won't bring into another relationship. I think, it's all about learning and growing into a better person. I think your wife would be proud of you, for listening and trying to change the things, she pointed out. Good Luck to you and don't feel guilty for being happy. She would want you to be happy.

Paula
JesusisOurSaviour
JesusisOurSaviour
You were married for 45 years I am positive your wife loved you and accepted you fully. We are all flawed
. I always say my Ben was not perfect but he was perfect for me. That would apply to me also.
Don't put yourself through grief, your wife would not want that.
You are brave and courageous to want to change into what you believe will be a better person. Good for you!!! You are honouring the memory of your dear wife.
Love and peace,
Sandra
npc4204
npc4204
WOW! I love all of you who responded, all responses are so insightful.
Yes, we ALL have regrets, it's only human. Nobody's perfect.
We've all done and said things we regret.

I'm grateful that my husband was very quick to forgive. I'm trying to be more like that.

Another thing for those of us who were married a long time, we all matured along the way. We're not so young and naive and, hopefully, not as self-centered as we used to be when we were much younger.

I know if I ever have another relationship I will try a lot harder to be more understanding, caring, loving, appreciative ... just strive to be a better person.
onward1
onward1
I think going through this kind of loss makes all of us kinder better people. We quit being trivial, appreciate people more and start seeing the small beautiful things in each day. Can't change the past but the future is unwritten. Write a beautiful story.
MJ46
MJ46
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.
kymberlycourt
kymberlycourt
What you are experiencing is called, Lifes lessons. Your wife didnt die to make you a better person. You simply grew and matured as we all due after tragedy strikes our lives. The human heart is capable of so much love and compassion . I am so happy that you have opened your life to someone else. It is amazing how the circle of life continues even through a veil of grief. I wish you nothing the best that life has to offer.

Kymberly

Kym
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
You're being human. I think of this, too - but then I realize I would have continued to change (although probably differently) should Joe still be with me. His death was a kick in the butt for me, in some ways. I've done a lot of thinking in the last 6 years. I've come to realize that I was who I was while married, and that was ok, fine, you know? The realizations and conclusions I've come to afterward - would I have done them if he were still alive? Probably so, but in a different way. After being long winded (!), I guess I'm trying to say we all change - we don't stay stagnant. Don't forget, your new friend is a different person, and a different personality, and your feelings and actions towards her will therefore be different than it was with your wife, as well. Hugs, Marsha
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