I am proud of you that you went to the dinner!

Say what is on you mind when asked. If they don't like or understand, so what!

It is all about you now, what makes you get through another day.

I talk tough, might want to take my own advice:)

Peace to you
Dually

I only accept invitations where I can express my grief and be myself. I work full-time and must keep up the faade many hours a week so I am very protective of my free time.

When I am stronger I will go back and explain my actions (not apologize) to those I want to remain in my life.

My way may be selfish, but it is what I need right now.

Don't lock yourself away, but be honest with your friends. Tell them, it's very hard to grieve, but it's something you have to do. That you will be sad for some time. No one knows, unless they have been thru it.
Hugs
Paula

Good Evening Julie:

To begin, it is quite the courageous act to socialize with friends, with all that you have dealing with. However, you made I through. Congratulations! I cannot imagine hobnobbing on the town. No way, not this man, without his beloved wife by his side.

Actually it seems to me that you need to do what you feel is best for you. Obviously one can be gracious in excusing themselves from social invitations without harming anyone.

I also wondered if you considered what your beloved Charlie would tell you if you asked him the same question you did on this posting? Perhaps that could be an approach you might consider, to arrive at the right decision for you.

Just a few friendly ideas

(((HUGS)))

Genuinely,
BEAR

First of all, we know that it was a great effort to accept such an invitation after only two months. At two months i couldn't even leave the house to go grocery shopping, if my sons weren't around to do the shopping i would have starved. The fact that you went is a testament to your strength. You should be proud of yourself.

We all lie at some level. When i have to go somewhere with friends or family i pretend to enjoy myself as much as i can. It you think about it, such pretenses are at their core a lie. I am not truly enjoying myself, but i try to lead those who are with me to think that i am. I do not want to offend those who are making an effort to show me a nice time. However, when they ask me about something having to do with my life in general now, i never deceive them, i make no secret of my utter anguish at not having Berna by my side, i would not disrespect Berna by allowing anyone to think that i have been able to "move on" in some way when if fact i have not. Berna was my life, and without her there is no moving on, and i honestly don't care what those who are asking think, the truth is the truth.

As for telling your friends that you spend your time on the computer but not telling them what you are doing on it, you should consider that people tend to conclude that perhaps you are engaging in some kind of depraved activity. That's just how people think, so if you give them part of the story you should give them the whole story.

The fact is that you are hurting terribly, your Charlie was your beloved, how can you not be in terrible pain after only two months? No one should be surprised by how you feel. There is no shame in expressing your profound sense of loss and pain due to your dear husband's passing. The way i see it, in doing so you also express the deepest love for him, we hurt so badly because we loves so deeply.

God Bless, Sal

You know, as I think about it, I am much better about expressing my true feelings to Charlie's friends than I am to mine. His friends are really hurting and missing him, too and it is not a stretch to reach out to them.

Maybe I need to give my friends a chance.

Julie

You were a strong lady to attend the dinner, so soon after losing your beloved husband. There's nothing wrong with telling a little fib to friends, but also, there's nothing wrong about spending all your computer time here at DS's W/W group...it's very therapeutic for me, my loved ones agree with me on the subject.
If you aren't going to really enjoy going out, it's okay to say "no thanks". I did it a lot in the early months, and still do sometimes. If they are true friends, they will understand. One moment I feel well enough to go wherever invited...the next moment I want to curl up in bed and live like a hermit.
Be true to yourself, and only yourself...for now, do only what you feel like doing...the heck with anything else. I so understand your feelings.
Sending hugs to you, and that's no lie...
Nancy

Julie,
I can usually tell those who REALLY wants to know how I am, and those that just want me to be OK----Depends on how I feel whether I clue in those who want me to be OK all the time.

I also talk about Stan, share funny stories, sad stories, listen to friends stories about their lives, and am not sensitive to their statements about their husbands irritating them. At work early after Stan's death I decided I would do my best not to let it bother me, because I wanted my friends to be able to talk freely as I am usually able to. Many here have had hurts when their loved one's name is never mentioned. I am blessed that many friends will talk about Stan and bring him up in conversations like it's a natural thing to do.

As for being "over" or "moving on"----that is crazy---how could we possibly be-----? Go to events when you feel like it, stay home when you feel like it. Explain how you feel when you want to-----did you see the list what grievers need---it was one of the replies to a post----print it out, carry it with you and share it with those who care about you and your well being.

We are here for each other.
Hugs, Sallie

People who have no experience with loss learn from us that are living with loss. It is okay to share honestly. People need to know the truth so some day when it is them, they do not think something is wrong with them. Society needs to "get real" and it will 'one person at a time.' At the same time it is wise to only accept invitations from people that you feel you can be honest with early on. And you are very very early on.

Big (((((hugs))))) to you as you put one foot in front of the other.
-Diana

I loved diana's advice.

I, yoo, accepted invitations, and went to functions even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.

BUT i would "prepare" them telling them that I will cry at times, excuse myself at times to take a breath, and talk about Greg. if that makes them uncomfortable, then tell me now, and I'll understand.

Getting out is a good thing to do, IF it helps YOU. If not, then you'll know it, but either way as Diana said, to educate people on how it is to lose your love, that you do go on, but you always remember them and they are part of who YOU are now, and that...is OKAY!!! they will sadly when it happens to them know that they too, will survive, and all they go through is 'normal"

HUGS and CONGRATS on just getting out so soon!!!

Diane

All good answers to your post. We all know the feeling of 'trying' to be social when we don't want to. But back to your original question, should you lie to your friends? I don't see that you lied. You said you spend all your time on the computer. That was true. You didn't lie. You don't "owe" them any explanation at all. You don't owe anyone a full disclosure account of what you're doing with your time. When you feel instinctively that you are in the company of a true friend who will listen and HEAR you talk about your need to reach out to others like ourselves who are grieving, then you will open your heart and talk about it. Love and hugs, Marcy

Kudos on getting out, I remember the first half a dozen months being really difficult to interact with people.

For the most part during that time I just told people "I'm kinda a mess right now" and that usually stopped all questions/suggestions.

Best of luck as you move forward, things do get easier.

Hugs,

-Pete-

Julie,
I can relate to what you're talking about. I'm a cross stitcher and I've stitched very little over the past 16 months. I really love it and I'm still involved in my groups, but that involvement takes effort. It doesn't come easy anymore.

I do enjoy going out with my friends and even in the beginning, I accepted all their invitations. For me personally, I wanted to maintain all the connections I could. I work with a group that is very special and I forced myself to go out with them. The evenings out were pleasant and if only for a moment, I felt almost normal. They don't ask me personal questions, but will listen if I want to talk.

I continue to accept those invitations and my work family has helped me through my grief. They accept it when I close my office door and they will send me emails to make sure I'm okay when they know I'm feeling down.

DS has helped me as well knowing that I am not alone in this journey.

Nessie from KY

The fact you are asking the question tells me you are not so sure yourself.

I think if you are not sure which friends seem truly interested without judging you should be yourself, and it appears you want to be honest. These honest steps are the tiny baby steps forward you take.
And going to dinner was a great giantic step in going forward in this grief process...

Hugs

Julie - I have never told anyone, except in very broad statements, about my involvement in DS. It's my business only. I think you did really good in going out. I remember my best friend taking me on a short road trip, at 6 months out, and I was like a zombie. But in looking back, I'm glad we went. Invitations? Well....I tried to go on and go out the first few months, and it was emotionally draining and made me feel worse. So I did the 180 and stopped everything for a while. I couldn't explain how I was feeling and it made me feel worse to hear what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. It evened out after a while, but only after spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts. Hugs, marsha