Dreams of our loved ones can bring joy and comfort, but they can also bring pain and depression (I guess that would be considered a nightmare). I had a terrible dream last night that has knocked me down a several notches on the emotional scale today. Melissa and I were having some sort of disagreement, not a full blown fight or anything, but then it came time for me to leave and go somewhere. Our youngest son (who was only about 4 years old in the dream, hes 12 now) tried to follow me, but we explained that he had to stay there. As I was leaving, I had to walk past Melissa. As I was doing so, I approached her with my arms open, clearly looking for a hug. To my shock and horror she recoiled from me, blocking me with her arms in front of her. She had an expression on her face that said I cant handle this right now. That devastated me. I asked her if we could talk about this later and work it out. She nodded her head yes, but I could still see the pain in her eyes. That hurt me so much, I awoke at that point. This is what I am dealing with today. I hope it is not a harbinger of whats to come this weekend.

When I ask myself why I had a dream like this, the only thing that comes to mind is guilt. I realize that I have been working through a guilt stage off and on ever since Melissa died. To understand, you probably need some information about our situation.

Melissa had suffered from migraine headaches since her teenage years. It must be a hereditary thing, because her mother suffers from them, too (thought nothing near the frequency or severity that Melissa did). I believe it is the root problem of what caused her death. Her headaches were so bad, that she described it felt like someone was stabbing an ice pick behind her eye. This required, literally, over a thousand trips to emergency rooms and doctors offices. A lot of people do not understand what we went through, and the kind of toll it can take (financially and emotionally). We went through several doctors, most of which didnt try very hard, or really care. It was during this time that I lost my blind respect for doctors. I came to realize that doctors are just like any other profession, there are good ones, and bad ones. It just seemed like we had contact with a higher percentage of the bad ones. She had all kinds of tests, but they never found anything wrong with her. To help her cope, she was on several medications. The last five years of her life were the worst.

I wont go into every detail, but the headaches really strained our relationship. Im ashamed to admit that. It drove us to bankruptcy. Looking back in hindsight, I realize my priorities were all wrong. I was looking forward to retiring some day with her, and enjoying life. The headaches took away all that. Melissa could not work, and all the prescriptions and medical bills were too much for me. I was resigned to the fact that I would have to work the rest of my life. I resented the headaches. I resented Melissa sometimes because I felt like she wasnt trying hard enough to get better. I felt like she was just hoping to find a drug that would cure everything, instead of eating right, exercising, and just taking better care of herself. The headaches robbed us of our family life. There were many times when Melissa could not participate in our kids activities. She missed school and sporting events. I had to take them by myself. About 4 or 5 years ago we went to marriage counseling. I didnt think our relationship was in jeopardy, but I was open to making it better. I said something during one of those sessions that I thought I meant at the time, but looking back I realize I really did not. That hurt Melissa, and I regret ever saying that. I hope she can forgive me for that. A good thing that came out of counseling was that I was able to express to her that I was not upset with her, I was upset with the headaches.

The last few months of her life, I was feeling like I was learning to accept things the way they were. I felt I could handle being broke, possibly living with one set of our parents if needed, as long as we had each other. The day before she died, I was sitting in our big chair in the living room. She came over to me, leaned over, and gave me a hug. I turned her around and made her sit down in front of me (we were sharing the chair). I put my arms around her, and just held her for a while, kissing her on her neck every so often. I could tell that I really loved her at that moment, and I hope she knew that I loved her.

Sorry for the long, rambling post. I hope I didnt make anyone hate me for the way I acted in the past. Im human, and a far from perfect one at that. I know that Melissa was not perfect, either. But she was a lot closer than I ever was. I have learned very valuable lessons from all this, but what is heartbreaking is that I had to lose her to learn them. She is not around to share and experience what I have become, and I hate that.