Been there, done that! Totally understand what you are saying. I think we reach a point where for our own wellbeing, we have to set healthy boundaries for ourselves; and that may mean firmly but kindly saying "I'd love to hear your story, but now is not a good time for me". Do what is good for you! Wishing you every good and wonderful blessing and above all...peace!! Sharon

Hi Lucygoo...I haven't posted much on here as of late since I am further along now in my widow journey (17 months)...but just wanted to let you know that your thoughts are very much like my own at that time frame...I just didn't want to hear the inane chatter of people and also thought "stop complaining about...." my husband is dead and I'm here alone...
I would just grit my teeth and if I could just walk away...I'm sure I had probably said things around widows that might have upset them (not on purpose) before I really knew what this grief thing was all about.
It's good that you see the ones who really matter...they will be the ones who keep you encouraged and help you walk this daily ...
peace to you tonight...hugs, Jill

Trust your clarity, Lucy - your gut is telling you what's acceptable to you and what isn't. Yes, it may make you feel sad and mad - but trust your feelings. Hugs, Marsha

I hear you Lucy! Right with ya!

One of my clients just recently told me how down she was becaue she had to travel for her birthday, and wouldn't see her husband until the enxt day. She was REALLY upset! I told her perhaps I was not the right one to speak about this to, but she kept telling me, so I told her I had a 'different perpective" to share. I reminded her that she would see her husband the enxt day and be able to celebrate that birthday with him because she would SEE him then. Could be worse i said. He could be bot ever coming back...you know like my husband?"

She was at a loss, by then, so I think maybe I overstepped, but just could not help it! Maybe be GRATFUL for wll that you have while you HAVE it!? It's hard though because people just don't get it, unless they have been in our shoes and I for one don't want anyone to have to walk in them!

HUGS of understanding Diane

Diane, I agree with what you said about other people. I guess they think that after a few weeks we're all healed up and ready to get a new life. Boy, are they mistaken. There is a friend of mine whose husband travels and she writes on FaceBook every day, "I miss him SO much. I don't know how I will be able to stand 4 more days before he gets home." I want to say, "At least he's COMING HOME." Mine never will. Lucy, please don't apologize for feeling tired and cranky today. We all feel that way often. I agree with you that separating yourself from the ones who just drag you down even further is a good idea. You don't need to have extra burdens on you when it is their inability to understand what being a widow does to a person. Good luck. I'm glad you came here to express your feelings.

I had a co-worker try to set me up on a date, as she thought it had been `long enough`. Too bad it was the ann. of the day he died!
Just take good care of yourself and send the relatives info on any good B+B`s in the area... G-

Oh dear! I so understand. I work in an office of 20 women. The chatter and griping about the miseries of their lives just exhausts me. They have know idea what our lives are like having never been there. I tried a few times making a bold statement trying a "teachable moment"; but it just doesn't work.
It's human nature to gripe, complain, and commiserate. So my new solution is to go bury myself in my work and just let them ramble to one another.
For those that come to my home to "help". I am learning to speak up for myself. I'm a work in progress.
Hugs to you,
Vicki

There is an old expression around here that "Grief rewrites your address book." This is one of the reasons that it does. I found that after awhile people tried to do the same thing to me, expecting me to just be hanging on their every word about every frickin hangnail or headache. Seriously?? I'm sorry but Mommy Martha has other things to deal with today....

They just don't get it - they really have no clue about how totally inconsequential their nonsense is. After Cliff died, I carpooled to work with a friend who constantly wanted me to help her through her problems. The kicker was the day she was bitching about her husband when she got a call from her EX-husband whom she proceeded to have a screaming match with while driving. All I could think of was "Good grief! She's got TWO of them and she's complaining about them BOTH and I don't have my one!" She so did not appreciate what she had, much less did she appreciate what I had lost.

I guess part of it comes from being fed up and having to put on the fake smile and say "I'm okay." But "okay" is not an iivitation to have people dump all their troubles on us again!

Sorry you're feeling bad, and don't worry about being cranky - you have a right to be!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thank you all so much! I'm feeling a bit better today. I heard from a good friend last night. She told me she wasn't going to ask me if I was okay anymore because she knew I would always answer yes, but she also knew it would be a very long time before I really was okay again. I guess that's the point. For me, at this moment, okay means I'm up and dressed and doing what needs to be done. Unfortunately, for others that means that I'm "over it" and all back to normal. They don't understand that I'm trying to make a whole new normal and it's going to take a while. I'n glad to have a place here with people who get it.

I love Sharon's reply. It is a way to set healthy boundaries and being polite in the process. Sometimes when that doesn't work I step it up a little more in to first gear bitch mode. Sometimes I can listen to the complaining and "huge" disappointments of my friends and co-workers and be fine with it and other times I don't have the ability. I try to remember I need to take care of me in those times.

So glad you have a friend call that understands. What value there is in that----true blessings in our lives.
Big hugs to you and glad you're feeling better, Sal

I would set boundaries by changing the subject. I couldn't imagine people being so insensitive. Dealing with a pregnancy is hard enough, but you having a baby at age 52 must be even harder.

After all this time with me I have come to believe I need to educate those around me when they begin with those rantings!

I immediately interrupt - than calmly say " remember they are still here on this earth how would you truly feel if they died and you did not get to say I love You. "

My pet peeve "You should be over him by now" Sigh

Your last sentences make good common sense. Hang IN There

This just happens with all of us!! No one understands what we are going through unless they have also gone through it. I've had friends lose spouses and I thried to be there for them, call them, talk, take them with us when we went somewhere. But I truly didn't understand. Not even a clue.
I also 'educate' people and tell them to be grateful and not hateful. I also had a lot of friends. They were 'our'f friends. Most of them have stopped calling me - some dropped me like a hot potato.
You just hang in there and try to be strong..hugs, Norma

People are out of their friggin minds for the most part....
When people ask me how I am, I usually say, "okay" or if I am in it for reallll, I say, "I am miserable" and they say, "Why" and I said..."Frank died?" ...and that is it......
One woman whose husband had a heart attack kept telling me, "I know how you feel", " I know" but then she forgot to mention her guy lived....usually, I gently just say to this kind of thing, "Actually, it is very different", "very different".
It really is about educating people...I can't help it, because I cannot conceal my agony with my face....it shows EVERYTHING...and I cannot make small chat and nod my head and listen to them. It is too early for me....I stay away from people mostly because they expect me 'change' or loosen up :( .....