Sometimes, even after several years, I have my bad days where I wallow in what some would call "self-pity."  It ain't fun and it ain't pretty!!!  But lately, I have been wondering if this particular wishing that my life hadn't entailed some of the losses and catastrophes it has included should really be entitled "self-grief."  When your dreams and plans all die, is it actually unreasonable to be angry and cry over it?

"Self-pity" is a derogatory term in our society.  It goes along with people trying to get us to 'move on and get over it' as if we have done something wrong by being affected by our bereavement.  I have done my fair share of 'pulling myself together' and 'moving on', etc.  However, this is a different circumstance, I think, as it's more about the loss of what I thought "I" would be and do and have at this stage in my life.

I am feeling lately like I have to find a way of reaching "acceptance" with this kind of grief, too, separate and apart from the loss of my husband, now several years in the past.  Letting go of multiple dreams/plans/concepts that are about me personally, not just as my role as Cliff's wife and widow.  Being Cliff's wife enabled me to strive toward a whole set of objectives, which now are impossible.  I am reminded of something my friend Marjoe said a long time ago,"I'm not the same woman that married him, and I'm not the same woman that buried him."  Some of the striving and hard work was done with Cliff, but not all of it, and it feels like a lot of work went into plans that now will never happen, and it feels wrong to me that that is the case.

Would it be appropriate to call it "self-grief" instead of "self-pity" (and stop beating myself up about it!)?

What do you think?

Love and Hugs,

Martha