Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Sometimes, even after several years, I have my bad days where I wallow in what some would call "self-pity." It ain't fun and it ain't pretty!!! But lately, I have been wondering if this particular wishing that my life hadn't entailed some of the losses and catastrophes it has included should really be entitled "self-grief." When your dreams and plans all die, is it actually unreasonable to be angry and cry over it?
"Self-pity" is a derogatory term in our society. It goes along with people trying to get us to 'move on and get over it' as if we have done something wrong by being affected by our bereavement. I have done my fair share of 'pulling myself together' and 'moving on', etc. However, this is a different circumstance, I think, as it's more about the loss of what I thought "I" would be and do and have at this stage in my life.
I am feeling lately like I have to find a way of reaching "acceptance" with this kind of grief, too, separate and apart from the loss of my husband, now several years in the past. Letting go of multiple dreams/plans/concepts that are about me personally, not just as my role as Cliff's wife and widow. Being Cliff's wife enabled me to strive toward a whole set of objectives, which now are impossible. I am reminded of something my friend Marjoe said a long time ago,"I'm not the same woman that married him, and I'm not the same woman that buried him." Some of the striving and hard work was done with Cliff, but not all of it, and it feels like a lot of work went into plans that now will never happen, and it feels wrong to me that that is the case.
Would it be appropriate to call it "self-grief" instead of "self-pity" (and stop beating myself up about it!)?
What do you think?
Love and Hugs,
Martha
-
Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
I don't talk to hardly anyone anymore about my loss. They don't understand the multitude of changes it created in my life and my sons' lives.
I am worried that if I don't get a handle on the frustration and the anger that it will start making me bitter. The depression and anxiety that go hand-in-glove with this are getting harder to cope with, so much so that I have set up an appointment with a psychiatrist.
If I were 40, I could call it a midlife crisis, I guess. It feels something like that. The difference is that at 40 I could still tell myself I had plenty of good years ahead of me - and us - to accomplish whatever. But at 62, it gets harder to be optimistic.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I haven't been on this site for some time (years, perhaps) but for some reason I decided that I would check it out, tonight. Your post speaks to my heart and spirit - unbelievable! After 7 (nearly 8) years out and some relationships and dating later, I still feel exactly what you describe. I like your suggestion that we suffer "self-grief." And, certainly, no one understands us better (or perhaps at all) than another widow(er). I don't believe that my entire existence with my LH was based solely on being his wife. That being said, I yet struggle with trying to know just who I am. Sometimes the feeling of hopelessness hits me like a brick and brings me, once again, to my knees. Please know that I sympathize with you and thank you for your thoughts on this. You were a power of strength for me years ago, when I first lost my darling and you continue to be an inspiration, these many years later. May we all find peace.
Hugs and hugs and hugs,
Terry
Marilyn
Here it is February 2025. I hope this note finds you o.k. and pressing forward. I have so many times referenced this site in order to help grievers find some peace in knowing they are not alone. When I stumbled on this site 10 years ago I was searching for answers, for a message, for anything that could feed my constant grief which I was going through. I did not always post but I read and understood how I felt was felt in so many other widows and widowers. I understood I wasn't going crazy and that with the mounting days and weeks and years that passed I understood life will be different. Today I am like the analogy of the cup half empty or half full - some days are good and some days aren't.
Thank you for being here for me. I hope you are well.
Carol