Hi Jennifer,
I lost my husband 3 years ago and along with coming to this site I went to a grievance group which helped a great deal. I just want you to know that you are not alone. A lot of people experience a very hard time the second year. The first year we're in a fog and in shock. Once that lifts, it becomes very clear that it's real and they're not coming back which is why the second year can be worse than the first. We all have those days and anything can trigger them. You will survive and you will get through.....just hang in there. Hugs, Pam

Hi Jennifer. Good to hear from you. Pay no attention to your friends. They mean well, but can't grasp your pain. You'll know when and if you're ready to venture forth. All in your own perfect timing. No timetable for any of us. I love what someone before me wrote -- this is not a race. Just survival. Hang in there Kiddo! ~~~ Scottie

HI Jennifer,
My husband has been gone 7 years. I remember people saying within a few months you should be doing better now. But I still have times that I just miss my husband. But it really will get better so good luck to you.

Jennifer:

I wouldn't say harder, I would say different. The fog and the shock had worn off and I was stuck wandering what do I do now? Just be gentle to yourself, give yourself time, and when you feel up to it, push yourself out into some new experiences and see what happens. (I am not talking dating, more like, a new class, eating out alone, something you want to try.)

Hugs,
Val

Surviving the second year to me felt harder, but looking back it was more accurately described as different. The realization of what happened is clear instead of a bad dream. We no longer expect to see them when returning home because the certainty that they are gone is a reality. This is a hard reality.

However, the second year becomes a year of self discovery. Deciding who we are, what we want, and beginning to begin, if you know what I mean. The path is still filled with valleys and hills, but we concentrate on climbing. Sharon

This second year - excuse me - sucks!

Cuz I have longer spans of time now where I'm not simply weeping, or numb, or in denial, or handling paperwork - now reflection, rationale, & objective contemplation more readily at hand, waiting to help me understand it all...

And ya know what, there is no 'understanding' this depth of experience - or if there is, it isn't sufficient to the task.; and that realization just becomes another death of what I thought I might could count on in life.

So, like all the wise people here have said - we just get through, together and yet at our own pace, hopefully with some kindness & humor to make it bearable.

And I completely agree with Sharon, it's definitely a year of self- discovery. Good luck, Jennifer. You're not alone.

In many ways it can feel harder, though looking back I can see it wasn't. But the true reality of where you are does hit home and as you stated your friends are ready for you to move on. By the second year I wasn't breaking down nor crying nearly as much, but the "what now" starts to hit home. Now at a little over three years I'm really doing well. I still miss my wife and always will but realize I still have a life to live so I'm trying to enjoy myself as much as I can. I did date in year two but it never felt right, in year three I rarely dated but worked on finding myself. It's a long difficult process which I'm not sure really ever ends.

Russ

For me the second year was the worst. All the busyness of paperwork, etc was over and I had more time to reflect and mourn. Each year got progressively better after the 2nd year was done. I am over 8 years now and have a new and much different life. Take care.
Dianne

HI Jennifer,
I am now at 23 months and in many ways have found the second year much harder. The reality that he is gone and never coming back is lived in a 100 different ways each day. The hard work of keeping on going each day and doing what has to be done is relentless. I have much to be grateful for in my life, home, work, friends and family and I am and thank God every day. However, a lot of the time I feel like my life is just going through the motions, but I don't know what else to do so I just keep on going. Many days are good, but I am also so aware he is not here and what a hole his death has made in my life and world. I feel that I am starting to get used to a life without him in it, but I have'nt accepted it yet if that makes any sense. Some one asked me the other day if things get better. I can only say that for me, I am no longer in shock, or just numb or in absolute raw pain, but my grief is not less, time has not made it better, it is just familiar now, it is just a big, deep cavern inside me, that is always there, just as him not being here is always there. I am so aware of my aloneness in the world and that I can' t have the thing that I want most, my old life back again. I am still getting used to that. And that is what I think year 3 will be about. Love to you all.
Janifer

Yes for me too. This is my life now, kept becoming more apparent during the second year. I didn't want it to be. I didn't want to hear about "the opening of a new chapter" or, "closing the door on your old life". Dating? Forget it. The thought of taking up with another man was way out of character for me. I think if someone would have suggested that I'd have to ask, WTH happened to simple comprehension? Yes my husband is deceased, but I was married to him for 31 years, he wasn't just some guy in my life. Geez.

At 27 months, my life and purpose has changed immensely. Before life seemed to flow more evenly and happily, and now more like a roller coaster. First year filled with numbness, sadness, crying, shock, paperwork, every emotion under the sun. Second year, meeting new friends at support group, volunteering more, taking classes, trying to help people in need, joined a club at my church. Trying to keep it all together caring for the house, yard, car, etc. Still have hard coming home to house that is void of the person I loved. No dating...
My husband told me I would be okay, that I had lots of friends and support. It is all a slow process and one counselor said two to four years. Much peace,

Jen - the first year you're buried under the rubble. The second year you're just trying to get out from underneath it. My take. Year two sucked. Again, my take. It's hard, in a very different way. Hugs to you - Marsha

I agree - the second year sucks. The realization Al isn't coming back, we will never be able to enjoy retirement like all our friends, what am I going to do to make life fun again, etc. So many thoughts racing through my mind with no answers.

Funny, I just had an experience last night that took me back,,,I'm at fourteen months and I thought I was over all the "first things", and I realized I have a lot more to go thru, just because I got over out birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, now the little things keep popping up,,,I went out with friends to a play and I felt so down because we loved to go to plays together,,,there we go,,,another hurdle,,yes, some things seem to be harder.., lonelier,,,and reality keeps hitting us in the face.

Jennifer,
Yes, I found the second year more difficult than the first one. During the second year, it really sunk in that John was not coming back. The first year, I just was in shock and disbelief that he left this world so quickly after his cancer diagnosis. One of my best friends disappeared and wasn't there for me as I always thought she would be; one who I thought would never be a close friend became a really good one. During the second year, I began to realize that my life had changed forever; and I needed to begin thinking about a different future. You will get through your second year. It is not easy. Just keep coming here for support. It really helps.
Roxanne
Roxanne