Dear Leopold . . . All of your expressed emotions and thoughts are places we've all been in on this journey. You are right, it's not an easy pill to swallow, mine's still in my esophagus, 9.5 months later. I also relive the images of walking into ICU after he had his final heart attack, they were intubating him and had chest drain in place. I knew he was not going to make it at that point and just broke down sobbing. I try to remember him in his better days, yet these images do pop up and it's a nightmare. Part of what you are experiencing is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. If you haven't found a grief counselor or support group in your area, I'd highly recommend that you do so. Coming here to DS has comforted me many a time . . . and I'm ever so grateful for our family here. However, there are times when I don't feel it's "enough" . . . therapy is golden in my opinion. Worth a try . . .

As to the void? No one fix all manual for that. I'm sure others will share what they do in future posts. As for me, I have four furry friends and I volunteer. Also in the throes of Probate which keeps me busy "fighting" for my future. Everyone is different, yet all on the same journey.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. Be gentle with self and maintain your faith. One day at a time . . . xo, Dayna

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The suddenness is a shock and the images popping up seems almost like PTSD maybe. My husband died suddenly at age 51 on Oct. 29, 2014 after an apparent heart attack. There's no good way to view any of this. It's all pain and really traumatic. And it isn't fair that we are here to "pick up the pieces" and handle complicated transactions and decisions suddenly that we would have worked through with our husbands if they were here.

Main thing, in my opinion, is try to prioritize, using good friends and family as a sounding board, for what decisions can wait, and whether there are any decisions that cannot wait. Sometimes it feels like you have to do something, but you really don't. You can wait awhile and things may change and clarify before you need to decide or take action.

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. My own partner of 23 years died Friday 01/16/2015 and I am still in a state of shock about that. I understand the emptiness and wondering 'what do I do next'. For me, I talk out loud to my deceased partner, not knowing if he can hear me or not, but it seems to help me in the here and now.

That's how I deal with some of the void his passing has left in me.

leopold,
Take it slowly, no rash decisions, no sudden ANYTHING. Think everything through once, then think it through again. You will be asked many questions; you'll need to sign many forms; you will need to send many things to different people. ONE THING AT A TIME!

Don't throw away anything that belonged to him so quickly, unless it's for health and sanitary reasons. You'll have time to do this.

Stop and allow yourself to cry, question and resolve. You will do these over and over and over again. There's NO TIMELINE. You weren't given a timeline when he suddenly passed, so don't give yourself or allow ANYONEONE ELSE to give you one now!!!!!

Slowly, ever so slowly life will find a rhythm that's right for you......follow that rhythm and if you need to change it....do it.

Life has changed on a dime for you......YOU have been asked to respond......What will you do? I promise you one thing and one thing only.....YOU WILL FIND THE SUNSHINE AGAIN! It won't be right now and it may not be tomorrow, but it's there waiting for you.

Take care, move slow, your heart will settle inside you,
Love,
Roz

Leopold - I feel like I am walking in your shoes with the same feelings. And now that it has been almost 3 months, most of my friends don't really want to hear me relive the 6 months Al suffered with cancer; they don't seem to want to hear me cry or say anything sad. So I am left with my feelings to keep inside or take to God in prayer.

I have started to take Al's clothes to a thrift store. I figure someone might as well wear his warm coats, use his dress shirts and slax. They do me no good hanging in the closet. I did keep a few t-shirts we had purchased when we were traveling.

I decided that for me to go forward, I need to sell this home and move into "my" home, to start over in a way that I will be able to look at all those boxes of pictures of 37 years of marriage. Staying here at the home we remodeled together, only holds me in the pain of losing him. Linda

Leopold
My husband was 58 when he passed this past September. I found him in the floor when I got home from work. I too see these images each day. I was planning to retire as soon as he received his first disability check which should have been this month. Much like you we did everything together and my support system is small and getting smaller as my brother is moving in two weeks. Some days I think I might be okay but most days my sadness is all consuming. This past weekend was really bad.

I joined a grief support group but it was only for 6 six weeks. Seen a therapist a few weeks ago and scheduled for another session tomorrow. Her suggestions were the norm--take a walk, volunteer, start a hobby...all of which I already knew. What I was wanting was an answer to your very question-how to deal with the void.

Not sure if there is an answer. I sometimes feel that I can't wait until bedtime but in the morning it's the same thing over again. But one thing is for sure we have to learn to make a new life for ourselves. Maybe in time I will find pleasure in the things I once enjoyed but for now it's one day at a time. I even considered a part time job. A reason to get up on the weekends, be around people and who knows maybe make a new friend. Maybe one day I will be ok with being alone.

Be kind to yourself. You are so new into this grief journey.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. He was so young, it's so unfair.
Like Dayna, I was with my husband when he took his last breath, so I understand about not being able to get the image out of your head. It's a nightmare.

I agree with Roz, don't make any important decisions, it's too difficult to think straight now.

And, like Linda said, your friends and family want you to move on, they get tired of hearing you cry. People who haven't lost a spouse don't understand..

I didn't have much luck with a therapist either. He was happily married, and he had no magical words to make me feel better.
We're on this journey of grief, and you just have to take one day at a time.

We're here for you, and we understand.

Hugs,
Janie

Dear Leopold, I am so sorry for your loss; please be kind to yourself and take things in small baby steps. I too lost my 41 year old husband to a massive heart attack. I woke to find him barely alive in our stairwell at 2:20 in the morning January 20, 2011. Tried to perform CPR, could not save him. Have the cold comfort that a cardiologist told me he couldn't have been saved even if he was on the operating table. That nightmare of a night was with me for a long time. Time has softened the edges and given me some acceptance.
The world will lose patience. Ignore the world, it is wrong. Take the time to grieve and be kind to yourself. Try to find small things to take joy out of; for me it was as simple as drawing with my mother (she has dementia) or walking with the dogs. One small step, one brick, one experience at a time. It all adds up.
I am now four years in and finally feel like I have my feet back underneath me. I have a very wise aunt that told me "You are in hell now. Keep your head down and keep on walking. One day you will look up and realize you are no longer in hell. I can't tell you when it will happen, all of our journeys are different. But I promise you it will happen one day" I held on to that promise and it finally happened. I now offer it to anyone who has lost their significant other and I offer it now to you.

Hugs and positive thoughts,

Val

Val,
Your wise aunt is right about one thing. This journey is hell. I hope that I too can keep walking, look up one day and realize I'm no longer in hell.

Seen the dr today. She changed all my meds and said what I already knew. There is no magic pill that we can take to make this all better.

One other thing she said was loosing a spouse/partner is the second most traumatic event a person will experience. The first is
loosing a child.

For now it's one day at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time.

So thankful for this site.

Terri

Terri: I wish I could be of more help or be wiser. It is such a hard journey and it takes a lot just to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't take meds after the first month; mostly because they made me feel like a anguished zombie. Everything was muffled but the despair and anxiety were still there. I decided I would rather be flat out miserable and let the world deal with it. Now I have friends for who the meds were true life savers. Just depends on your personal make up. I threw myself into physical activity and found a support group that lasted for a full year. That group helped a lot. Still the truth is I was in hell for a year and three months before I saw purgatory. Just know that you are not alone.

Hugs,
Val.

Leopold, the pain of your grief is so fresh, it's no wonder you see the world as unkind, impatient, and intolerant. Those feeling may last for a while; however, eventually the sharp edges get worn down a bit, and the days seem to be a bit more bearable. Please come here to DS often. There will always be someone here who really understands and is willing to listen.

Wishing you peace . . .

Leopoldo,
I am so sorry for your loss,
It has been such a a sudden, traumatic shock for you. I know those flashback images, you see at times can be overwhelming. For me, after 6 and a half months, they have begun to fade.
If you find it, too much,.... it maybe wise to talk to a counsellor, who deals with PTSD.
I also, remember, thinking I was running on slow....people seemed to be impatient and lack understanding......that too will pass.
Just allow yourself to cry, feel what you feel and come here for encouragement, affirmation and support.
You can rely on all the wonderful, people, here, to really care.
Love, peace and big hugs for you,
Sandra

Each one has their own way of coping. Mine was spiritual. There was no other option. I devoted myself daily to my devotionals, "Jesus Calling" and Dr Jeremiah's Turning Point followed by scriptures they recommended and journaling. Journaling helped me to express what I was feeling and how strengthening it is to go back eighteen months and be grateful where I am now. I also read several books on Grief, and when I finished them, I would give them to some of my friends who lost their husbands. I pray that you will be comforted and that you will find peace to encourage you as you walk this path that lies ahead.