Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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roller coaster of emotions

avmom
avmom

I find myself coming back to this site more and more, somehow I feel comfort in it. It has been 3 weeks since my husband passed. Everyday I have new emotions. 2 years ago my husband reconnected with his high school sweetheart and they had a emotional affair. Just phone calls and texts, they never met up. I found out about it and confronted him, he said he was just going through something. Last year  he told her they needed to end their communication as he was happy with his family and he was having health problems and knew his place was at home. This was not the first time he had tried to cut off communication. 5 months later he would pass. As much as he would tell me he loved me, this weighs heavily on me. Looking through his phone i still see he was keeping in contact with her if not only to exchanging updates on his health and mundane comments. I found a bunch of pictures of them together from their youth, I even contacted her and asked her is she wanted me to send them and she replied no. I have decided to shred them and cut off his cell phone and just reset it. It is hard for me to grieve when I felt that he didn't love me 100%. When he died, a piece of his heart was with someone else. The last two years were such a roller coaster and I tried to get our marriage back on track. His passing was sudden and no one expected it. I wish I would have felt in a better place with our marriage before he died. I do remeber one day when he was on home hospice, he called me over and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He was so weak that day he could barely sit up. I wasn't there when he took his last breath, and for that I feel guilty too.


I am going back to work next week and am scared to death. I am not an emotional person and do not look forward to the hugs and he people who I know will have questions. Someone asked me recently if I was angry yet, because he didn't take care of himself. I wasn't before but I am starting to for putting me in this situation. My life and my kids lives will never be the same again. But I am content that he is not suffering anymore. i spent 12 days at home with hospice with him and I know he was miserable. There you go, in two paragraphs I have had about 5 different emotions. Thank you all for taking the time and reading.

Kimberlina
Kimberlina
I understand the comfort you get from here. It felt weird at first but knowing you have a place to let your feelings out and that someone here has been where you are before or are in the same place makes you feel not quite so lonely. Let your emotions out in here, better than not at all and making yourself sick.
Take care ((hugs)) Kim
Missmyanne
Missmyanne
I spent about 5 months just coming here sometimes multiple times a day just to read. Gave me great comfort to know I'm not the only person going through this hell. I know how that sounds and thats not what i mean. Im sure you understand that. Joined about 2 months ago. I've posted some really stupid stuff. I'm hoping I've posted some stuff that may have helped someone as well. What I'm trying to say is listen to what Kim just posted. Let the emotions flow. We are here to help you and you us. We depend on each other.
Missmyanne
Missmyanne
I went back and reread your post. Realized I did not address your main concern. This may be one of my stupid post but here goes.......

How long ago was he diagnosed? I'd guess about the same time he started this emotional affair. Perhaps he knew the end was near and needed to tie up loose ends from years ago. How did their relationship end? Perhaps he had something gnawing at him all these years and wanted to set it right. He died as your husband. You loved him and he you. Sure your marriage was a roller-coaster ride. Most are. Only look backward to see the good times. Looking back on bad memories does no one any good. I would believe he passed with his heart 100% in love with you. He was just tying up loose ends from a love long past.
Susan5
Susan5
My husband's behavior changed for about one whole year before he passed and even my counselor
suggested it was health related. But it left me confused and it is difficult to focus and remember the good times with the most recent battle still stuck in your head. For me, he would hold my hand and say that he loved me, but by then it seemed like a weak statement. Maybe that's all he had to give and I just didn't see it. But I am thankful the pain didn't make him mean. Yep, I understand the roller coaster ride. My one word description remains...brutal.
scottito
scottito
I know this is hard for you. But consider that your husband remained faithful to you. And he spoke from his heart when he told you he loved you. All marriages are tested in one way or the other. Speaking from experiences, all men can be knuckleheads every now and then. I think we're wired that way. We all know the line. Some cross it, and some like to poke our big toe over it while never actually crossing the line. Count your blessings that he was just wiggling his toe. Forgiveness of him and his indiscretion, of her for whatever part she played in it, and of yourself for all things, will be your key to healing. You will be able to do that when you are ready, and not before. Remember, we never forgive a person for their sake. We forgive for our sake. Bitterness and resentment impair our ability to love anyone, especially ourselves. Hugs, Scottie
onebrokenheart
onebrokenheart
That first whole year I hardly spoke. I was so heart broken. Not just for his passing but because of what happened the day after. A woman we both knew called and in her babbling she intimated she had an affair with my Donald. I have been married three times and my Don was the only one who did not cheat on me, or so I thought. I was double devastated. So in the four years since he passed I have wrestled with this. Did he? If so, why? What was wrong between us? Why did I not see it at the time? A friend said to me the woman could be lying or maybe you misunderstood, where is your loyalty best placed? Actually that did help me as I was giving too much attention to what she said and all the possibles that I can not know for certain. What I do know for certain is that I loved Don wholeheartedly. I do know he loved me. I know our life was no fairy-tale but it was good and supportive and nurturing. I have devoted perhaps too much time dwelling on this but as I deciphered every little thing, every conversation, every time she was anywhere around, every little look, every little nuance to every little thing, I come to feel that he had an attraction to her but in my heart I believe it did not become physical. Sometime in the four years I am at peace with this. I forgive him, her and myself.
avmom
avmom
I want to thank everyone that left a reply, it really did make my day. My husband took early retirement a couple of years ago. He had reconnected with this old girlfriend about six months before. Now he was home full time and would talk to her for hours. He was diagnosed with liver damage last year. It wasn't terminal but he had to have a lot of testing done. He would eventually die from liver failure but it was due to a fall and internal bleeding that he ignored, his liver just wasn't healthy enough, that is why his death was so unexpected. In the end I chose to stay with him. He might have said many things to her but they never met up even though they discussed it. My husband was a lonely man and after he stopped working he got depressed. Nothing I could say would help him and in many ways I guess he didn't want to help himself. He loved his family very much but I think he was just not strong enough to fight his demons. As you have said no marriage is perfect but at least I know I loved my husband very much did all I could. I miss him but am glad the suffering is over. I look at pictures of when he was in the hospital and he looked miserable. I just wish I had more time to prepare. Everyday I feel less and less motivated. I have to keep reminding myself is is less then 4 weeks since his death. I was with him for 24 years, you just can't pack that away in a box. So I just try to do a little something each day.
vwidow
vwidow
Hi avm,--Yes I think the longer you are together maybe the longer you will be suffering. I felt initially like this pain may never lessen, and even also said that my life will never be the same. It won't and that's because of what we've learned/suffered. But it can improve and joys (though it may now seem unlikely) can be around the corner. Around 2 months now and I'm entering a different phase whether I like it or not. The tidal wave has crashed on the beach and is rushing out, leaving whatever's left in its path. Scottie makes some excellent points about forgiveness/bitterness. I heard it once said that bitterness makes YOU a prisoner in your own house of pain --You are the one suffering from your bitterness, not them. So better to take the offender off of your hook and put them on God's hook for judgement. We forgive as we want to be forgiven. And God as we know is just and merciful. "Mercy triumphs over judgment." Having shifting emotions is human and logical based on our thoughts, just make corrections where necessary...
regwin
regwin
Try to focus on the day he called you over to hug you and tell you he loved you. As weak as he was, he knew what he wanted to do. He meant it. May Peace be with you. Hugs, Dolores
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