Sane- not same and drop- not drip

I know what you are talking about. I think you need to talk to people who have been thru this. I've talked to ladies who have lost their children in accidents, drug overdose. I've talked to a couple of ladies who've lost their husbands. They've come out of it OK. They don't like and and of course wish they could change it, but after awhile you learn to live and learn to live with it. It may not seem like it now, but this too shall pass or change and hopefully for the better.

Maybe a roller coaster for you, but however you are handling it, you are handling it. As long as you are not doing anything destructive to cope then its fine.

I had a chat with my wife's cousin last night. She lost her husband six years ago and had quite the horrible time dealing with it. He was quite young ( early 50s ) and just died in his sleep without having any illness ( she never told me the cause of death - like it even matters ).

She moved out of their house because she could not handle it, had trouble going to work ( cried all the time she was there ) and wore black every day for years ( without realizing she was doing it ). she is very religious and had a hard time being angry at God.

But she got through it with a lot of prayers and help from people at her church. She told me that she is finally ready to date again. She is still young enough and if she finds the right person will get married again.

I asked her if she had felt this way for a while, and she said yes she had but did not feel comfortable verbalizing it before. I was so happy for her, we are going to dinner next week to celebrate.

Mel40, hang in there,

Bob

I'm at 5 months and I totally agree. I suspect a lot of it is from the pure exhaustion of the grieving process. Lack of sleep, stress, anxiety, constantly thinking about our loss. It all just wears on you feels like it will never end. Somehow we need to keep moving forward and hope it starts to get better.

Russ

I'm right there with you. One minute I feel like I might make it and the next I just don't think I can take another step.

I'm so exhausted, lack of sleep, anxiety, stress from grief and my job is very stressful. But I do find that while I'm at work I can escape the grief for a moment but then it hits me unexpectedly.

But I am doing better than I was a few months ago. Just don't know where this road will lead.

I think it is those moments of realization that really make you feel like you are going insane.

Often I have times where I want to feel that warmth of knowing my wife will be there when I get through a day at work, I know my wife is not there, but sometimes I try to put my mind in that place again where there was life and energy and something to live for. But then the reality sets in quick, and my heart breaks and I fall deep into despair. It may not sound healthy to imagine being in that warm place again, the place of love, sharing and living with the love of your life. But you know what, I have to have something, after all I am living a nightmare so sometimes it is good to have nice dreams, daydreams. They help break out of this cold dark place that I am now travelling in.

Mel, You're not permanently Looney Tunes. It's an adjustment we didn't chose to have. I know I felt such confusion each step of the way with what choices I had. So many why's and no clear thoughts. Bottom line is they are your choices and you do the best for you.

As for being the same person as before, I realized after a while that I'm not. I never will be her again. Too much had happened that required me to change. I was married, a mother, a wife, a partner, held a job, and shared a life. Then in an instant, my children were adults, my husband died, and it felt so empty. I felt lost and alone, and a lot crazy. But in time and a lot of interpection I found me. Not mom in the way they were children or half of a marriage or that worker in my job, but who I was standing alone in my empty home. And it was okay once again. Caring hugs. Sharon

I agree with you, Scouserboots!

Wow, I could have written that verbatim..as I am right with you. It was 5 mos for me on Wednesday and I belleve I am sitting next to you in the same car on this ride. Hang on tight, as I don't think we will ever be the same as we once were. But what choice do we have?? but to take it one day at a time,-- be happy that we have such great memories and honestly look forward to the sunsets and our days ahead. My Don would want me to enjoy my days, but right now can't imagine how that could be possible without him. I keep trying, but the ride just continues--along with the waves of feelings/emotions and that large hole in my being that you could drive a Buick through. Know that I am thinking of you and sharing the ride as we make our way through this. Hugs MaryAnn

I have always thought I was on a train that has been de-railed. It started last year when my mum died suddenly and then I got back on track, then our dog died of old age and I managed to get back on trak again. I was then happy and we were moving forward with our life and then suddenly my fianc died! I feel completely off track. I need to get back on but I know it's never going to be the same ones was on before and that scares me. I don't want to pick a different one! I know I'll never be the same agin as my Adrian changed me forever (in a good way). I know he'd want me to be happy but like the earlier comment I've no idea how without him. I am a grog person though and I hope I get though this. It is comforting to hear from people who came out the other side an got back on trak. X

It has been 6 months for me and yes it has been a real roller coaster ride. Seems each month brings on new emotions. Last month I was angry, really angry. An emotion I usually try to avoid so it was very uncomfortable. This month I seem to be more introspective. I find myself remembering things from my childhood on up. How it all relates, who knows? At times I feel like I have lost my mind. Other times I feel certain that I am coping. I am actually curious to see what next month will bring. After all, how many emotions can one human being experience?

The ups and downs are so very hard. I know exactly what you are saying. I am just past six months and today has been one of the hardest days ever. I am sadder today than I have been in my whole life. Today is also the anniversary of the day I buried my first husband 19 years. ago. Today I just don't know if I can bear this pain. Yesterday I went for a bike ride with my sister and actually spent most of the time laughing and today I can't stop wailing. It is exhausting as someone else wrote to have these emotional changes constantly. It will end, it will get better ,mel. I've survived this once so I know it does get better - but even knowing that does not help my dark despair today. Wishing us all better times to come. -Deb

We're accustomed to having that partner around to bounce energies off of. When they aren't there, despair sets in; that "ok, now what do I do" feeling. We are social creatures. I was used to spending a lot of time alone in the past, but it's different when someone isn't ever coming home. I know I haven't made that adjustment. Whereas I can talk about it, I don't have a solution. No, nothing wrong mentally; just a bad set of circumstances we have to work our way out of.

It is so good too know that all my feelings are not a sign of insanity. I try my best to put on a semi happy mask when I am around friends and family, but then when I am alone again I just fall apart. It seems like the ride comes crashing down after I have been around others and either they leave or I come home and know that I will be alone and they sadness is so overwhelming and it hurts so bad. I am so gald I have found this site and able to talk to others without them thinking I am crazy. Bless you all

Rollercoaster. Very accurate description. I am so focused on putting one foot in front of the other when I take a backstep it is disheartening. Yesterday I woke up with such a overwhelming feeling of sadness but realize now just allow myself to experience it and move on. Some days you feel I can do this and other times you wish you could hide in bed. No we are not looney just grieving and what a horrible ride it is. Wishing you peace. Gerald