Oh Carrie, I'm so sorry and I know how you feel. This is the most horrible thing I have ever lived with. Hang in there, it will become more bearable. Grief has no cure, but we do learn to handle it better and eventually we even learn to find our place in the world.
Don died in June and when I looked out our kitchen window and saw the leaves changing as they do here I lost it. I felt like screaming. How can the world continue when my life had ended. This year will be 9 years since he passed. Do I have sad times? Yes, but not the agony that was. We're here for you. You're not alone. You are understood and we will make it through together. Sharon

Carrie, you don't need to apologize for the "rant''. This is the place where you can air any feelings you're having without anyone judging. I think probably there are many here who have had the thoughts you've given voice to in your post. We are so tormented that we go to places in our mind that we would never have before. The most unfair part of this devastating grief is that we lose not only the love of our life, but we also lose the "me" that we were. We have to try to deal with this unbearable pain while having to pretend we're "fine" because the majority of the population can't begin to fathom how we're in such agony that we feel like we're on fire. I understand how you feel. Although I would never want my sweet husband to have to go through this, there are times when my tormented mind tells me he was the lucky one.
Peace and strength to all of us,
Linda

So true...you had the nerve to. Say it..I think it all the time...I wish it was me so bad it hurts I want it to be me...I say it just before I go to sleep every night...it is so hard for other who aren't here to understand they think well it's a year so carry on...I can't I try but I just can't...I so get how you feel...

I knew my wife was a better person than me (and even told her that on occasion), but it didn't dawn on me today that it should have been me. I'm the one the world could have done without. It needs people like her.

On the other hand, I would not wish this grief on her. In a way, this is my final service to her. I'm taking the pain so that she doesn't have to. One of us had to eventually die. If it wasn't me going through this now, it would have been her, and I wouldn't want my dear love to suffer.

Perhaps you could look at it that way?

Carrie we have all felt this way. It will pass in time.
You need to look for council eather with a minister or contact your local funeral home or hosice for a grief group. It does help. Try to find some volunteer work with a seniors home so you are out with people and not alone.
I feel for you its hard. I'm 5 yrs out now I still have those times but not as often
Good luck and hugs

Well, Carrie, I for one am glad that you gave us the real deal. This shit can't be sugar-coated. It is mean, ugly, torturing, painful, excruciating, tormenting, painful, unpleasant, unbearable -- the list goes on and on.

I wrote a hug to another today that was also having a hard time. What I said to her, holds true for all of us. Not a one of us knows why were still here, except for those still parenting, that one is obvious. But why the one and not the other? Well, I sure don't know any better than you do why I'm still here. But we just have to believe that there is a purpose for each of us yet to be revealed. I'm a firm believer that our purpose is only revealed when we are able to look in our rear view mirror -- we never see it coming ahead of time. Some of us have multiple purposes to serve. I do know one of mine was to be a helpmate to Juanita, support her and her 2 kids, get them raised, and ultimately to be with Juanita as her end drew near. Oh, my world was turned upside down just as was yours was Carrie, just as everyone elses here was also torn apart. I relied on time to reveal my purpose because we have all got to have a reason for living or we will die first on the inside. But when that didnt work out for me, I had to get my buttinsky into the doctor and get me some meds.

I know I still need lots of healing and that it will take, time, time and more time. That is why we need to pray for patience because that is our weak link in this healing process. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts and so if nothing else, I myself am forced to learn patience never was my strong suit, if something wasnt happening, Id make it happen. Well, I cant make my healing happen no matter how much I want to. To be clear, Ive tried over and over to heal myself and get on with whatever life awaits me, and I've failed miserably. Not a one of us that can heal ourselves of our broken hearts. We are no longer masters of our destinies we all are just adrift doing the best we can these unchartered waters of grief. But once we get through it, a new life awaits us. And I believe it will be good, different yes, but good nonetheless. So I have a curiosity rising up in me -- what's coming? All this pain can't be for nothing. I know I'm changing, seeing things very differently now, learning how to walk in love, learning what compassion really is, caring more and more for those that are also hurting.

So thanks for saying what a lot of us are thinking Carrie. Yup, I sure wish I had been right and gotten over this grief thing in two weeks like I fervently believed I would. But it is like Gomer Pyle liked to say, Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! God bless and comfort you Carrie, and all the rest of us too ~~~ Scottie

Carrie, I know it has got to be hard on you, because it was hard on me in the beginning and still is, just I get a few breaths, in between all my grief now. They say everything happens for a reason, we may not like, or know or understand it, but it happens regardless if we are a participant in life or not. Your bill, would not want you to give up or wish that it was you rather than him. Actually quite the contrary, but I do understand you feeling that way. I'm glad you are here, because i so appreciate all your posts, hugs and compassion. I am glad that Bill is not suffering. Somedays when I want sean here so bad, I look outside, and I see the sun, the beatiful birds etc.. but I also remember how hard sean worked, he worked in the flippiin hotter than hell, and the frozen hell, haha. He worried about his girls, us all the time. He was in pain before he passed, excruciating pain, I was so sad, for him sufffering so much, and all the time. I'm glad he no longer has to suffer, here on this physical earth, but it doesnt change our mental state, of just wishin this was the worst nightmare ever. I am glad that you are here, and I get to call you my friend, and so is bill. He knows you are doing good things, and helping others. We will get through this together, as grieving friends. Much love and big but gentle hugs. Its ok to feel how you feel, we all feel that way at a time or two..

Perfectly said Scottie,,,,,gave me something to think about...

I know what you mean Carrie.
I always told my husband that if I died first, I was 100% SURE that he was resilient enough to marry very soon.
so, it's not at all that I would want him to suffer loss instead of me suffering it. I just KNOW that he had ability to adjust better than I do.

so, props to you girl. we know what we mean. others may not, and misinterpret us and our tormented thoughts.

love and hugs,
Barbara.

Carrie, I can't say that I wanted to go first, though I understand how much you are hurting. I wanted to go with him. I knew my kids and grands, even the one just born would be fine. But, for some reason it was not meant to be. Now I try my hardest to find some joy in family, friends and pets. But the lonelyness and aloneness is sometimes more than I think I can bare. Yes spending time with others is a great distraction, yet bitter/sweet because he isn't here to share all the wonders of this thing called life. We must go forward though I guess. I cling to the hope that when my time comes he will be waiting for me with open arms. If only we could clone ourselves huh? Hugs and Love to all, Michele

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. It takes longer than a year to reach some kind of peace with the loss. Chunks of it fall into place within the first year, but typically it can take 2-5 years - that's the average - to really be at peace/reach acceptance with it. That doesn't mean happy, that means simply okay.

It takes lots of different pieces to the puzzle to put your life together again after such a huge loss. What have you been doing to help yourself? Have you tried getting counseling? I did and it was very helpful for me. I also read some books about grief and loss, and one of them was very helpful for me, you might want to pick up a copy - try your library first, they may have it - it's called "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. I recommend that book very highly, it helped me a lot.

These are just a couple of things that might help you. For me, I had to recognize that I didn't need to hold onto the pain - I realized that I was hanging onto the pain so that I could hang onto Cliff, but that wasn't what he was about - far from it! I also realized that I didn't want his legacy to be that his death destroyed my life - that wouldn't have honored the 30 years we were together. How could I take all the lessons on living from those 30 years and not live??

It's not easy rebuilding after a major disaster, and losing your spouse is like having a Category 5 hurricane flatten everything you know. It's going to take time. You CAN do this - don't give up. It is worth it to keep going. Honest.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Oh Carrie what you are feeling is so normal. I always thought I would pass first because my husband was so healthy for 27 years. He was so disciplined in taking care of his health and body. I am at two years now and he is always in my thoughts. I have been to support groups, still meet up with some of the ladies for lunch and movies, etc., but my heart is still broken. Scottie was so right about having a purpose. For now, I help a neighbor who has stage iv cancer and she has been a dear friend for 29 years. She has no family nearby (like me). Then I visit a lady in assisted living who is on hospice care. So for now that is my purpose. They need me and I need them. They are my "family" now, and I get so much love from these two wonderful ladies who are dying. Take it a day at a time. Sending you mega hugs to get through the weekend. .

Carrie, I understand. In truth, by anyones standards in a strict comparison between what my late husband and I have contributed to make the world a better place, my husband would far outdistance me both professionally and personally. And, unlike me, he had an extensive social network so he would have weathered my loss much more easily. But, he got cancer and as we all know, cancer does not care who you are and what positive differences you have made in the lives of your fellow man. I am just sorry that if one of us had to die before our time, that it had to be him.

i never felt the wanted to go first, but rater the want to go with. Its been a year and I still sometimes feel this way. It does get a bit better. I would never harm myself but if there was a natural way to have gone when he did i would have gone w/out question

Hey Carrie,
They say it's different for men than for women. I don't what that means. Maybe society expects men to be less emotional or something. I didn't cry like this when I was a kid. Out loud bawling to where the dogs hunker down away from me until I'm thru. I guess though I'm like grieving guy. If one of us had to go first I am glad I'm the one having to work thru this and not Lyn. Because of what you wrote. It is "Hell" everyday. What Scottie talked about in regards to our purpose I to am waiting for mine to be revealed. My wife and I had no biological kids but she had a daughter who I though we would be drawn closer by this and at first were. But now she has pulled a disappearing act on me and I have no one but my uncle who is 72 with one leg and recovering from a stroke form a few years back. Other than that I have literally no one in my life. So I am at a complete loss why am I here and not at home with her and God and my family. Either way I have to trust He has a purpose and will be with me until the end. I do know we will all be together on that day and all this will be as if it never took place.
No more crying or grieving. No hurting no loneliness no more dying. All tears wiped away not allowed. I have to believe this to get thru each and every day. I will continue to pray for you and all of us to get there when it's time.
Peace, Tim